Dis 'n Dat

Spring schming.

Well, I know my name suggests that spring is upon us, but that is some major cock-a-maimy (sp???) bullcorn. Spring was here and just like that it vanished. I woke up to snow this morning. Yep, that's right. F-ing snow. Man I hate Maine more and more. It's April 3rd dude. Now to totally contradict myself, the trees look spectacular. Very Robert Frost-y "Stopping By Woods..."

I think what drives me insane are the lifers who keep saying, "Oh this wahsn't ah bahd wintah." Oh yeah, well why don't you go piss up a rope??!! If one more slack-jawed yokel calls me a wimp I think I shall punch them. I've told them to go and survive a Texas summer and then come back and tell me I'm a wimp. That shuts them up.

And speaking of shutting people up...

I had my yearly visit from the latter day saints not too long ago. I kind of feel sorry for them. They just don't know what they're up against when they knock on my door. So there I am washing dishes and I hear the 3 pair of footsteps. I turn around and shudder. Like an idiot I didn't shut the wood door, just the screen door so there was no time to hide. Oh well, this time I was ready. To be honest I'm not really a confrontational person. Honest. But back me into a corner and I have no choice but to be a raging heifer.

"Are you familiar with the church of Jesus Christ blah blah blah?"

"Yes, I know who y'all are."

"Has anyone ever shared the message with you??"

"They've sure tried, but I've received a message already, but thanks."

"What message did you receive?"

"The Christian Southern Baptist one."

Leader of the group looks a little worried "Guys, she's Baptist." Says "Baptist" like I have some disease. The other 2 look very scared at this point. Leader is trying to build up courage to continue.

"Well, have you heard of Joseph Smith."

"Yes."

"So you know..."

"Son, anyone who wanders the desert for an extended amount of time without food or water is bound to start seeing and hearing things. Sorry, I just don't buy into any of that. I know what I believe and I know it to be right."

"So you know about the power of prayer."

"Certianly."

"Well, have you ever prayed to God that you might receive the message that Joseph Smith brought."

"Absolutely not. Look, I understand and I appreciate what y'all have to do. Bottom line is I found my ticket to heaven and now I just need to make sure that my loved ones and those around me get their ticket too. As strongly as you believe whatever it is you believe, that's how I feel about my faith. You will never change my mind or heart. Okay?"

"Oh yes, but..."

At this point I realize I'm just going to have to be rude. So be it. "Let me put it to you this way. You would have an easier time convincing a shi'ite muslim in the middle of Baghdad to convert to Mormonism than you will EVER with me. Y'all stay warm now and have a good day." As I flash them my biggest and most sincere Texas smile.

Hind sight?? I should have told them what Daddy used to. "We're satanists." That kept them away.