Daily Musings

Well, is been a long time...

Since I last payed my respects to my Blog at Writing.com. Why have I taken so long to write anything? Mainly, it has been because I hit a very deep black hole and could not find my way out of there.

My life was very tumultous these past few months. In order to tell you exactly what I have been up to I'm going to condense all my dilemmas into a carry-all.
To begin with I was feeling apprehensive in my new job because I couldn't keep up with the increasing responsabilities that kept piling up on a daily basis.

My daily routine was causing me to suffer anxiety attacks that led to me dropping more weight than humanly possible. When I first enrolled on Writing.com back in June of 2006 I weighed a mere 115 post-partum (delivered in Feb.) by the time I hit the low I weighed 95 pounds. All of a sudden size zero pants were too big!! I became even more depressed.

Consequently, my mood was foul. The job suffered, not because I lacked the will, but because I pushed myself to work overload. I couldn't slow down. My relationship with my
fiancee was the worst. It brings tears to my eyes to know I came this close II to losing the love of my life. Jay was very supporting of my situation. He encouraged me whenever I questioned my own actions. My self-esteem was supposed to be unbreakable.

After High School ; whoa a decade ago, I thought I outgrew that. It turns out it has been festering inside of me waiting for a moment to show it's ugliness. FEAR. I fear a great many things in life. And that fear can control you to the point where you don't want to move anymore. I went to sleep with fear and woke up in fear.

So your thinking: What is she so scare of ? Well, failure. I was scare to fail at my job.

I'm also scare of dying because of heart failure due to my low body weight. No matter how many times I tell people that I am not anorexic or bulimic, both diseases for which I have read throughly about, they still won't believe. That takes me deeper into my depression. I have no desire to damage myself or does around me.

I love food. Maybe a little too much. I normally eat large amounts because my metabolism burns food like firewood. I am the cook for a family of 8 females and one guy plus 2 dogs. Plus, being Latinos (Puerto Rican) adds a whole new culture of food to the menu. I basically shut my brain off for the past months and turned on my soul.

By doing the things that made me happy once. Like playing baseball. Jajajajaja! We had our own baseball team right in the house. I went dancing, even though my shoes felt like they were too big I danced until I was crying from the happiness it gave me. I took long baths in the tub until my toes were wrinkled. I hugged my babies 20+ times a day because they suffered with me and still loved me. I signed up for a Spanish chat room and laughed hysterically at old jokes I had forgotten. Made new friends. Recycled my enemies and found something in common with them.

I came out of the closet, religiously speaking that is. I confronted those who labeled me Catholic, Christian, Mormon, Evangelist, Muslim, Adventist, Protestant or Hindu and screamed loud and clear that I am 33.3% Atheist, 33.3% Budhist and 33.3% into Scientology. (Yes, I believe in the Boom!) I admire and respect the devoton by which my peers tribute their God. I believed once. Now I seek answers. I don't shut my ears to what is spoken to me. It would be stupid of me to ignore somone's point of view. Soaking as much information as possible will make it easier for me to come to my own conclusions.

So far so good. People around me has come to respect my choice to be spiritual but not religious. I believe in a a force..kind of like a magnetism between all things that exit in this Universe ,uniting us. That's why I can understand if what happens to me affects those around me. If I am well, so will they. Because they love me and care for me.

The last time I had these very thoughts I was 10 years old. I was swinging very hard trying to see if I could touch the sky and reach "heaven" . Today, I still swing very hard but I don't long for heaven. I am happy to be here.