Who am I, Where am I Going, and Where have I been? The story of my life!
|June 26, 2007
This week has been difficult, stressful and eye opening as well. I know that I'm battling depression right now because my focus is off and my worries are on...I need to focus on the power God has to get us through...difficult as that may be..He's opening my eyes to His presence in the little ways...probably so I'll quit worrying about the big ways.
Understand..we've battled finances for 4 years...mostly 5.......and becasue I learned back then to go one day or hour at a time with finances I have a real problem with the fact that I'm not doing that now and am stressing the future...I talked to a good friend on Sunday night (after a very down weekend) and shared with her a lot of what was going on..I have a tendency to shut down and shut people out when I'm depressed...I don't like anyone to know it and I don't like the fact that it happens to me (please refer to an early entry about me being a control freak..lol)
So God has moved in a couple of ways in the last few days...I know He's been moving on my behalf (our behalf) longer than that but I just wasn't paying attention. After talking to my friend on Sunday...for about 2.5 hours on the phone..and learning that she'd been where I am a few years ago emotionally...and understands..enough to tell me that while my faith is strong my focus is off..and that I need to remind myself EVERY time I waiver that God will take care of us...and focus there..and refocus there.
Then yesterday I had a medicaid recertification meeting..which was fine...I suppose...lol.I'm grateful to have it but..lol...I went to see this friend afterwards at work and took my kids to see her work...only she couldn't give us a tour because her daughter ( a couple of years younger than Cassy) was there and it would rile her up..they had a dentist appt and she was leaving early (too far to get back to get her etc) So she called me later and her daughter is spending a couple of nights and days with us...the money she would've paid her sitter she's paying me..now it's not alot and normally I wouldn't let a friend pay me to babysit...it's a share and share alike thing and I just don't do it..plus there money isn't GREAT...but I consider it God sent...the money is enough for a few groceries and some gas...things that were really stressing me out (very bad week last week financially..so bad that's all we'll say) I will return the favor someday. She and I have led similar lives and have a lot in common..something that by lookng at her before I knew her I'd have never thought...I can be rather judgemental which I didn't realize and don't like..anyway..that leads me to the second movement of God today....
Another friend...one much like a replacement mom/best friend....and I met at the church playground. She watches her grandkids (all 4 of them) for 2 of her 3 daughters. One of them is Jamie's best friend and since Cassy had a friend over I asked if Jamie's friend could come play this afternoon too. it's been a God send by the way...while it's not quiet it's peaceful and everyone is happy. Anyway...There is a guy we know who collects books and bibles ..sending htem out into the streets of America or overseas..he has a mission- www.builderofthespirit.org
Anyway, she had some books in her van that she had collected for him and was showing them to me..told me if I wanted to read any of htem I was welcome to. I glanced, said no, then one which I had turned away from caught my eye. It's called "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up" It's by Iyanla Vanzant the subtitle is 40 days and 40 nights toward spiritual strength and personal growth.
They say those times when we feel furthest away from God's presence are our desert (sp). So this really grabs me. Understand...and I'm ashamed to say it...it's been 4 weeks since we've been to church...not really a faith issue but....a schedule issue, an attitude issue, a space issue....there's a lot going there.
Anyway...the dedication in this book sealed it for me...I will be reading this...I need it..I need to grow stronger in God and I need to grow spiritually....the dedication reads:
"This book is dedicated to Ego, that part of us that coninues to worry, lives in doubt, is afraid, judges other people, is afraid to trust, needs proof, believes only when it is convenient, fails to follow up, refuses to practice what it preaches, needs to be rescued, wants to be a victim, beats up on "self," needs to be right all of the time and continues to hold on to what does not work. You are now put on notice that....YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED!"
The dedication alone screams for me to read this book. It's set up very interestingly and I'm looking forward to starting it in the morning. It has a portion for the morning and the night....and says it can be done in 40 days..but not to move from one days word until you are comfortable in it...and not to go in order if you feel led to do otherwise....I have trouble with making daily committments but that's my goal...I'll keep you posted.
I'm scared. I'm scared of what the future holds..but the book has a motto..one I"m going to try to hold onto in my fear..in our future..."Be Open.There is something bigger than you know going on here."
I'm going to go finish fixing supper. I'll try to get around to some blogs this evening if hubby isn't on the puter too long doing church stuff. God bless. And thanks for your prayers and for all who have stopped in.