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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/books/entry_id/651614-WHO-THE-HELL-AM-I
Rated: 18+ · Book · Family · #178297
Ok so I am addicted...
#651614 added May 25, 2009 at 10:15pm
Restrictions: None
I should come here more often and wrtie. I come to the site everyday. But I rarely write anymore. It is not because I don;t want to. More like I am lazy. I have the want, but not the will.

This morning I was half asleep-- that time right before you wake up in the morning and was thinkiing of why I am feeling so blah lately. Of course. some of it is still grienving the death of my mother. But there is more to it than that. I think I am just so overworked-- but what's new there? I don't exactly know why I feel so weird. I wouldn;t say I am really depressed-- I have been before-- but this is different.
First, here is what is going on. I do not feel like doing anything. I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to cook. I don't want to do anything!!
This presents a problem as ;my husband loves entertaining. Thankfully, he likes to cook too--but the thing is-- I used to do all the cooking. Now I let him do it. I think he gets pissed off at me about it sometimes. BUt hell, he loves it -- I am usually doing homework witht the kids or working on one paper or another for my college classes.
I think going back to school is part of the reason I am so tired. I have not had a break in two years. I am taking this summer off though and then I will have one more class in the fall.
But this morning I was pondering this feeling I have. I think it just occured to me that I have in some ways lost myself. My schedule and time and sometimes feelings are what others expect of me.
For instance, this morning I thought how I have the day off and could do anything I wanted. But the thing is I didn't truly know what I wanted to do. I could go cook breakfast-- but that is not what I want to do. I could go and see a movie-- but the husband wouldn't want to do that. I could stay in bed and sleep but others woudl think I was nuts. I could call a friend-- but I don't really want to talk to anyone. I could stay online on this site, but the family would think I am online too much. I could go see me Dad-- but I just saw him yesterday and really don't want to go anywhere. I could read== but I really need to spend time with the family. BUT I really want time to just do nothing and not talk to anyone.
Many times we have friends over and no one asks me if I wanted company. It is just an expected thing around here. When my husband goes off to see friends-- I have gotten in the last couple of years-- that I stay home more. They think I am becoming antisocial. BUt I think it is part of me finding time for myself. This weekend-- we hosted yet another party for my son's baseball team. Then we had four kids spend the night. Some of those are neighbor kids and overall the kids were here for two days. I am tired of company. Yet, I know my son loved having his friends over. But I want to have some me time.

The thing is as a child ( I had a happy childhood) I always did what my parents expected of me. THen as a wife and mother, I am the same way. Don't get me wrong. I would not trade m;y life for anything. I Love my family. BUt I thnk somewhere along the way-- I have truly forgotten what I like and want and maybe even how to feel about soem things.
I read a book about a girl who was bullied in school. It brought back some memories to me. When I was about in the later elementary school on up through middle schooll-- I went through some intense times of bullying. Not to the extent that the author of the book I read did. BUt enough where it made me have a low self esteem. And to this day-- it just hit me this moring-- I still have a low self esteem. This relates to how I am feeling because I somewhere along the way became a people pleaser and let others needs come before my feelings. My family and friends and even strangers feelings and wants come before mine. And now when I have a time to think and find myself again--- I do not even know myself anymore. I am someone;s daughter, wife, mother, friend but who am I? I am a teacher-- but that doesn't feel like me. I am actually a good one (so I have been told) but I do the job for others. I want to teach for the kids I teach---not for what I get out of it-- but what I can give. I am a friend-- but sometimes I feel like I give so much more than I receive. I am a wife--- but sometimes I feel my needs get overlooked. I know my husband loves me and he shows me . I wish he would tell me more. I need to hear it. I am a daughter. I have always been close to Daddy-- but am even closer now that Mom is gone. But I feel like a parent in some ways as he is aging. His needs are upmost in my mind these days.

I know this is long and weird. But it is how I am feeling. I am not really upset by it. I am just amazed that I am feeling like this in my 40's

On aoother note-- another strange thing--- I have been having these weird dreams. I first had one before my MOM died where I dreamed she went away for many months and Daddy knew where she was but we (I was a child in the dream) didn't . This was so unlike my mom. She would never in real life had done such. In my dream I try calling her over and over on the phone. One day she comes home and all is well again. She then takes me to see my grandma (who in real life has been dead for years) Grandma has been alive all this time but now is in her very old age and bedridden. I go see her adn am so happy. I realize this is somewhere in the western U.S. and this is where my mother was all the months she was missiing.

Well the first tiem I had that dream I woke up crying. Less than three months later my Mom died. I think my subconsious was preparing me. Now I hve that dream but it is almost has it has come true. My mom is gone to be with my grandma in Heaven. I know I will see them again someday. I wish I could just pick up the phone and talk to them. In my dream I felt the uneasiness of my Daddy without my Mom. I see that uneasiness now in real life. So now I dream this stupid dream over and over. It changes in some ways.. but that is the just of it.
I wonder if part of me trying to find myself is because I have lost Mom. I mean the other day I was trying on bathing suits ant thinking how I needed her opinion. OR the other day as I put on eye color I wondered if she would like the colors. She was my honest opinion giver. I do not know if I can trust anyone (except my sister) for that kind of girly opinion. Even my friends would lie I think and say something looked good even if it didn't. Last night I dreamed of her again. THis time she way in bed-- very much like how she was in lher last days of life and she was talking to me. I could hear her voice so clear. I woke up and was so sad. I miss her so much .

So I am back to asking myself with all the above things going through my pyschi-- who am I? I think I need to take some time to think about myself. I don't want to have someone else's opinion. I don't want to always do what others want instead of what I want. I don't want to act nice to people that I don;t like. I don't want to be a fake. For instance, I feel like I just carry on conversations to be nice. Some people== I don't really care for == but they would never really know.it., Is this fair to me ? I don't knwo maybe I am just being a total bitch adn selfish.
I really don't like to think too much --- I always think of Mom and then I am sad again. So in some ways this blah feeling comes back to missing here. I think there is a part of me that is lonely without her in my life. Therefore== I am trying to find that part off my life agian. IF that even makes sense?
Mom was my best friend. We shared everything. I woudl have even shared how I am feeling now. IF I tell anyone else even my husband== they would think I am a nut case. So I come here and write. I do know my Writing friends understand.
I will continue to ponder and comtemplate my life. I think just need to speak up more and be a bitch if I have to. Then I can find the time to be me!! I will quit letting my feeling not be heard. I will quit trying to be a peacemaker. NOW what can I go do??
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