Daily Musings

Split End

When we met in New York I thought I was the luckiest woman alive. He was sweetly shy and I was very captivated by his gentlemanly personality. We didn't begin our relationship under the best values or circumstances.

A few months after we started ting exclusively each other my mom told me she was moving to Massachusetts to help my sister with her children. I was on my own and somehow I felt it made sense to allow him to move in with me since I was head over heels in love with him. Long story short I became pregnant a few months after and we were ecstatic, at least until here was laid off and I became the sole source of income. We became resentful towards one another I lost a lot of weight because I was exhausted he became angry all the time and basically we made a huge mess and tragically my daughter was born at 25 weeks weighing one pound.

She is perfectly healthy now but boy did I grow up in the minute it took for me to wake up and see here so tiny. I barely lived for the next three months as she needed my constant caring so that she could grow and get healthy. Back home I was still grieving the loss of her father and the humiliation that he was cheating on me even while I carried our baby.

It was a battle back then and even though I can't even understand why I've given him plenty of chances to make up for his mistake but in the end our relationship finally ended here in Miami RIP (2001-2010) last December. We are still friends for the sake of our beautiful girls but I finally realized that even though he has a lot of the things I look for in a man..he also has a lot of the things i despise.

Since then I've put things into perspective once again and have regained he confidence in me. I know now that I never really needed his support to make my life and my children's life a happy one again. When I look in the mirror I see who he saw a person who was too easily manipulated..too caring. Don't get me wrong is ok to care for others but you can't forget to make yourself happy in the process. I was miserable heartbroken depressed and really sick. I went from a very low 112 pounds to 94 pounds and I'm 5ft 5inches.

I slept 3 hours every day and worked myself crazy ..i drank most day too..I even smoked and slowly I became who I hated most. Thoughts of suicide came in and out of focus and i felt shame even as the many ways I could end it marched through my mind.

The day was cold and I had slept a full nightmare free night. I look at him sleeping soundly , peacefully and realized the nightmare was over. I woke up and the veil fell off. I wept my heart out my soul my dreams every pore lay open and pain was relived until I sat up and laid my hand on his heart and finally said it : I don't love you anymore but thank you for giving me all these years of your life and for our girls. But you and I deserve to be happy. And I'm not happy. I'm sorry but we tried sooo hard and I have no regrets. I'll give you this last holiday with us and then I need you to go. I will always care about you and you are my dear friend.