Small bites

Over

I am surprised to find out how the ugliness that happened a year ago could color so many experiences towards the negative - that I know - in my heart, weren't negative experiences. Every time I have to write a check, its the worst reminder in the world. The amount involved is a buy off amount. I'll pay whatever it takes so that at the end of this, I'll never have to guess whether I paid enough. The amount itself is nowhere close to what the real number is - inflated to cover emotional damages or the cost of whatever time I did take up at the end - a consulting fee as it were.

But when this is over, when the last check is written - I won't waste another agonizing moment on it. If I'm lucky, my thoughts won't seek out the saddness or sense of loss. If I'm a better person, I won't fantasize about the things I'd say or do. How completely wasteful and unproductive that meeting would be. When it's over, I want it to be over.