Small bites

Rambling writing

I've been thinking a lot about writing lately. How I used to love it, look forward to it, be moved to do it, even be proud of some of the things I'd written. Writing for me, gives me the time to be eloquent when my spoken words leave something to be desired.

I'd make excuses, great ones. The reality is, I've been trying to survive what has felt like at times, a barren desert waste land that goes on for centuries. Other times, a flood that's destroyed everything, leaving wreckage and devastation. There are moments, however, where I feel like I've been banished to a place that's more like purgatory. The grey twilight of emptiness and cold.

It's tempered my spirit in so many ways. I've been taught about my ego and it's remarkable exit during all of these things. I'm not terribly convinced that I'm better without it, but it seems I have scars even I had not anticipated carrying.

It occurs to me that this will turn out as every other relationship in my life has turned out. Leaving me being the only one asking the questions, the same bloody questions, again.

How could I want it so bad and it could not be?
How could I have nothing to hold back, and yet that still not be enough?
How could I finally, finally, lay down myself, the anger, the resentment, the willingness to hold a grudge, and it be too late to acknowledge, too late to fix?
How I could guarantee that it could be different, because I am different?

I feel like I'm being told to wait, wait for something, that's why I haven't been able to move forward. Why other options have not come to fruition. Why I can't seem to change my circumstances. But I agonize in the wait. The wait for what? How long will it last? What will the wait cost? Will I be able to survive this too?

How much sadness must a person be asked to bear in such a short time frame? And what of pain?

Even with ego completely removed, even with acceptance of such things in my life, where does it go? Where does it end?

I want to burn this portion of my life to the ground, bury the ashes and salt the earth and move on from this place I'm frozen in.