Small bites

The things you learn from an affair.

I wish I had good news here but I don’t. We’re still in the gray twilight of knowing neither victory nor defeat. This is SO complicated. It’s confirmed my husband has his own issues, and believe it or not, I get that. I’m strong enough to handle that. But the difficulty is, I have my own.

The reality is: this is what they don’t tell you about affairs.
You’ll have to be the “big” person in situations that are grossly unfair. For example: with friends who are trying to remain “neutral” they’ll cancel your plans to keep plans with your spouse. They’ll tell you that they aren’t trying to hurt you. It may be true. But the fact remains that, despite the intentions, the hurt is there. Compounded by the additional hurts you’ve already amassed.

You’ll hear “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” in gross quantities. And you’ll be expected to forgive those unintentional hurts because they weren’t on purpose. They weren’t with the intention to cause harm. Like the intent weighs more than the result. If you’re a “good” person, you’ll bear these too. Until you can’t. Until you can no longer ignore the fact that there isn’t a single person out there in your group of people with the express intent to NOT cause you pain. To intentionally remember that you deserve no more and strive to prevent it at all costs.

You’ll question the loyalty of your friends and family as well. Not to the degree that you will with your spouse, but you’ll find yourself wondering “Did you know?” and “Do you truly want what’s best for me? For my family?”

If your spouse is anything like mine, you’ll have to face the reality that when faced with conflict of this magnitude, you’ll find yourself needing to express your grievances but unable to do so in fear of pushing your spouse further away. My spouse has a “one foot out the door, one foot in the door” mentality at the moment, and frankly – it’s the most unsettling part of this whole situation.

If your spouse is anything like mine, the conversations will become non-confrontational. You’ll find yourself talking about the weather. If you’re anything like me, you’ll stop responding to platitudes and vagueness. Not because you don’t want to interact with your beloved but because you can’t bear the lack of intimacy or friendship.

If you’re like me, you’ll feel cheapened when reduced to “dating” – when you’ve made such great strides to stay married. You’ll feel abandoned when the dates come to an end. You’ll feel worthless for not having the kind of “draw” that makes this person you love so much, be willing and able to walk away from you. When you see that they would rather stay away.

I’m sure I have more to add to this list, but for the moment, those are the things that stick out most to me. If you’re like me, you’ll find yourself praying more than you’ve ever prayed in your whole life for the strength to bear it. Looking for some peace, some comfort, for direction about what you should do next, what you shouldn’t have done, should have said, shouldn’t have said. You’ll find yourself praying for guidance, for safe harbor and safe passage.

And all I can say, to all who read this: For the love of all things holy, remember: You can be changed by the things that happen to you, but you do not have to be reduced by it. – Maya Angelou