Small bites

A cheating husband repost

A couple of things that stick out to me:

Prison sentences for the innocent – BRAVO for nailing it, as accurately as any one of us can the heart of the matter. Still can’t stomach the idea of someone new, much less the one I used to know, but I believe there will be a day, one way or another that will change those circumstances for me.

I’ve spent a lot of time looking at the ceiling, the floor, the walls, the empty air in front of me defaulting to “Dear God, please guide me where I’m suppose to go and give me the strength to survive it.”

It actually goes a lot like this:
“Dear God, please get me through this.”
“Dear God, please help me with the strength to bear this.”
“Dear God, please get that kid some help, some guidance, some comfort.” (my H)
“Dear God, I know I seek you out nine thousand times a day in the most selfish of ways, asking you to bring me comfort, peace, happiness and wholeness. I’m sorry I’m not a better instrument for you, this is all I’ve got.”
“Dear God, make him get a grip!”
“Dear God, if we’re meant to survive this, guide us.”

Well, you get the idea, it’s a lot and it’s all day long. It’s the first thing in the morning, before I’ve even left the bed. It’s the last thing before I go to sleep. It’s while I’m working, while I’m bathing, while I’m fixing my 9th bowl of cereal in a row for dinner.

I can’t stay that I have been particularly religious in my life, and I can’t honestly say that my praying to the ceiling is entirely religious, so much as a crying out of my spirit to the universe. What I can tell you is: It helps. A friend of mine put it like this: “That guy (pointing to the ceiling) won’t make it hard, it’s already hard. He won’t confuse you. He’s straight and true and all that other stuff? That’s the other guy. He’s a real piece of work. Anything that isn’t straight and true, that’s the other guy.”

The way I see it – I won’t be asked to endure this twice – with or without my husband. If I’m paying attention, God’s going to make it real easy for me. I find strength in not being sucked in to “Twilight Zone” bulls***. Which is really the only way to describe what some of the days have been like for me through all of this. God isn’t into fear and tricks and lies and manipulation. And guess what, this kid isn’t either.

So when I came to these realizations: my husband got weird. Not just his normal level of weird but WEIRD. Didn’t know how to respond to me. I stopped listening to all the “Woe is me.” Not because I don’t care. It’s because I do. See – you weren’t paying attention to me. You weren’t aware of the fact that I won’t be lured into the chaos that is your daily existence until I pretty much said I wouldn’t be. Something else happened also. I started to get migraines – prescription strength medicine not doing the job – migraines, every time I would give in to the bulls***. Until I realized, I wasn’t paying attention to what I was suppose to remember – I won’t have to endure this twice.

There are 45 days left until the divorce is final: To be clear: I’m still in the marriage camp. God brings me strength and comfort as well as counseling and friends do. At the end of the day, I’ll have the life I want and deserve with or without you(my husband) in it. So once I noticed all the things the “other guy” was doing to me: it stopped. Instantaneously. Imagine my surprise and my immediate relief.

I’m not saying I’m better. I’m not even saying I’m ok. But I’m saying I’m here. Writing this to you. Hoping it helps in a way.