Musings on politics, erotica, philosophy and whatever else comes to mind
|This post is the result of reading too much BDSM erotica and blog posts. Oh, and actually a real life conversation. It is also not a new sentiment - I have said so before. The summary of my point is easy - and really hard: you always have the responsibility of choice. No one can take that from you. No one is allowed to take that from you. You choose to submit and you choose to submit to whomever it is who holds the reigns.
You cannot get around the responsibility to choose - or the right to choose.
Every time you get tied up, every time you get flogged, every time you are punished, every time you serve â€” you make that choice. Itâ€™s a silent choice, you made that choice when you trusted the man or woman you gave your submission to. But it is still a choice. It gives you rights and duties.
You have the right that the other person acts with your best interest in mind â€” and the duty to do the same. The other is not a mind reader. The other is not perfect. He/She has accepted the responsibility when you play, or in the times you serve Him/Her, but, at the same time, you have the responsibility to talk to Him/Her.
If it is something old or new, somewhere in this there has to be the time, and the courage, to discuss what you do â€” even do some research together. There will come moments when you are asked to do something you are uncomfortable with, frightens you. There will be moments when you do it anyway because He/She asks you to. That is great â€” but it is still your choice. And there might be moments in which you are asked to do something, to endure something, you definitely cannot. It is your responsibility to tell the other what you feel and think. That is your duty.
If they then ignore you and harm you, they have not fulfilled their own responsibility. They chose to betray you â€” and that is never ok.
The choice is always with both of you, just as abuse can go both ways. If as a submissive you do not talk, are not honest, do not take responsibility for your choice, you harm the person who accepted your trust. It is not fair, it is not ok â€” and no fantasy can get you over that.
You are an adult. You can choose to do what you want, you can choose to submit, you can choose to be hurt and loving it, you can choose to give up control over every decision of your life â€” safe one decision. You cannot choose not to choose. And you cannot choose not to talk about it with the person you chose to trust for however long you decided to play â€” a few hours or a lifetime.
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"I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to think and express it."
Evelyn Beatrice Hall; Friends of Voltaire