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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/1939270
Rated: 18+ · Book · Personal · #1939270
A third attempt at this blogging business.
#820952 added June 27, 2014 at 12:17am
Restrictions: None
This one's about odds, funny stuff and the 1st part.
30DBC PROMPT: "Odds are we're going to be... (Take this in any direction your twisted little minds dictate.)", courtesy of the diabolical Mitchopolis .

What up blog fam? Tell me, how awesome was it that you could wake up this morning and have a prompt waiting for you? Were you shocked or surprised? I almost couldn't believe it...but since I went on a bender two nights ago about how that particular topic makes me feel, allow me to continue writing an entry (now standard with automatic anti-idiot guard...see toward the bottom of this post for details) that's relevant to what's going on today in the "30-Day Blogging Challenge.

Odds are we're going to be...here a lot longer than we planned, taking in things we weren't sure at first we wanted to know, while straddling the line between amazing and absurd. That's how this thing tends to work most of the time.

Sometimes, you can get a prompt with all the live-long day left to spare, and you still won't be able to do much with it. I've been dawdling for over an hour (damn...nearly two) trying to come up with just a frickin' line to complete the opening sentence...and now I feel like that's not enough; there should be something more going on to accompany it. And that's when my brain goes into shutdown mode, because I'm not a fiction writer...plus it's been quite awhile where I've been in a situation that the retelling of it requires you to start off with something like "Someday we'll look back at <embarrassing moment here> and laugh!" or "Wanna bet that once we they catch us we'll <insert harsh description of what they do to guys like us in prison>?" It's a lot harder than it looks, especially when your memory doesn't wanna cooperate.

And I guess it's true what people have said about this patch of interweb soul on occasion...you're never really sure about what you're gonna get outta me once you've committed to clicking whatever link takes your eyeballs to my words strewn across the electronic device of your choosing. Today, for instance, I'm pretty sure this part of the entry will leave you with a vague sense of emptiness...a joke without a punchline, or a firecracker that doesn't pop. You know there's something there, but you can't coax it out from the cloud(s). You might even wonder if something is wrong, or if I'm sick, because there doesn't seem to be any laughter generated from the reading of these lines. Maybe you'll read it again, hoping I left out a critical detail...or you'll just stare, doe-eyed and confused, because your world has become shaken with the reality that this isn't the hilarity that typically ensues when you and I lock and engage in the blogger/reader relationship. And if your life depended on it, you'd continue to gaze while expecting answers or miracles or unicorns to magically appear in front of you to tell you that everything's gonna be ok eventually. This may happen sooner for some than it does others; that's normal depending on how normal (or not) you are...and when it does, it's like flipping the ahhh...aha! switch. Laughter suddenly reappears in your cheeks as you realize it is not I who makes you laugh, but your level of tolerance and patience that allows you to enjoy awkward humor such as what I'm layin' down right about now.

BCF PROMPT: "Funniest thing you have seen recently."

My sample size regarding hilarious things is very limited, because I generally prefer not to deal with the public unless I absolutely have to. Unfortunately, part of my job at Capco is, in fact, dealing with a subset of people who are cursed with the gift of unintentional comedy: the lesser fortunate. [Full disclosure: since I am, for the time being, also one of the "lesser fortunate" as well, it's totally acceptable for me to make fun of them...after all, these are my people now, as I am now one of them.]

I'm sure if you really tried hard enough you could find some kind of statistics somewhere that tie together people of low incomes with instances of higher rates of obesity...hell, I've probably put on somewhere between 20-30 pounds in the last year and a half of being unable to work gainfully (although I'm sure shredding a joint may have also played into both the joblessness and the poundage). People with less money eat poorer quality food. People with shitty diets get fat. Fat people...aren't as healthy. Keep all this in mind while I take you on a diversion.

At Capco, once a week we have a couple of the "sisters" (not relatives with the same parents, but sisters in a holy sense) come by to volunteer for a few hours. They're Mormon...like, Super Mormon (not that there's anything wrong with that). I know this because one of them offered very plainly the other day to teach me about the Mormon Gospel of Jesus Christ, and looking back on that moment I feel kinda bad, because I immediately refused her snottily without a second thought, as if to say "I'm quite fine sailing on a flat world, Mr. Columbus, but you go ahead and try floating your boat on a round one, and when you find yourself running out of water and falling off the edge, I'll not say I told you so! *Smirk*" I really didn't mean to sound like that, but I also didn't expect to be propositioned biblically either. But they're sweet girls who have big hearts and mean well (and lord have mercy, but what happened to the really hot one that used to volunteer back in March??)...it's too bad that they're stuck working with me as I'm slowly getting my human interaction skills back to a comfortable level.

Anyway, we have some outfits displayed on our walls (remember, we're a donation center, so obviously we're not dealing with a lot of high-end fashion), and it was time to replace some that had been claimed earlier in the day. One of the sisters grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt and said, "How about something like this? It's fun and sporty!" I don't know what came over me, but as soon as she said it I looked at her and very curtly said, "Have you seen the people that come in here? Nothing about them suggests 'sporty'". Her partner started laughing. My other "regular" coworker was nearly hysterical. I thought the sister was gonna cry tears of absolute realization that Jesus couldn't save her from the wrath of my bitter tongue. I probably should've apologized...but I've said and done a whole lot worse to higher-ranking religious officials without flinching, so why change now? My ticket to the less-desirable afterlife was punched a hell of a long time ago.

I realize that many of you will not find this story to be anything close to funny, but understand it from my perspective based on what you know about me from however many entries of mine you've read so far, multiplied by me not getting out much. I have to take shots when they're presented to me, or else I wither into an anti-social ball of pocket lint that resembles a shell of the hatred toward all the dumb things in society. If I don't make mildly abrasive comments in the moment toward unsuspecting people, there's a good chance that I could melt, and if that happens, then there's no blog. And while the world may be a happier place in the short term, y'all know that obvious moment will happen where you're gonna say (probably out loud and perhaps unfortunately, among certain company), "Norb would've had a field day with you if he were here right now and [saw what you just did/heard what you just said...reader's choice]".


No really...do you know what they do to guys like us in prison?


Blog City image small

*Bookopen* "Take the first sentence from your favorite book and make it the first sentence of your blog entry."

According to American Book Review's Top 100 Best First Lines From Novels  , mine would of course have to be one of the longest and most ridiculous openers: "If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth." -J.D. Salinger, The Catcher In The Rye.

That sounds more like a biographical sketch and a fiery opening salvo, which I suppose it could be at times, than the start of a blog entry. I'm sure had I grown up in an era similar to Holden Caulfield's, our paths may have had its similarities; our attitudes often share some likeness. It's been about ten years since I last read this book, and I know I should read it again soon. I also know what doesn't feel like the book   or the time frame, but maybe that's just me not using critical thinking (which wouldn't be much of a stretch given that it's nearly an hour past my bedtime and I've been up since 8am). I'm sure most of you are probably at least somewhat familiar with this literary classic though, and if you're not it's not a tremendously challenging read, so I definitely recommend it. There aren't a ton of books I'm willing to stick my neck out for, and if you really needed more convincing, if I had a son I'd name him Holden Caulfield. What more would you like to know?

*Ribbonv* It's been a long time (I think) since someone's given me an awardicon for something other than a blog, so I want to sincerely (again) thank Jessica - Peace to Joy for the sweet-lookin' ribbon that now sits atop "Police Lines. I think I'd forgotten about this little item, actually...it's a pretty simple set of minimal lyrics, but I'm honored that Jessica thought it stood out enough to be worthy of a ribbon. It'll never cease to amaze me when someone finds some kind of beauty or joy in something poetic-like of mine...it's definitely a humbling feeling.

*Trophyg* I also got an email the other day stating that I have a rather large gift certificate credit to "Leger's Shop...so I'm thinking it might be time to get a sig or two for use around the ol' main header of this blog. Not that I don't like this:

A Paint reflection.

but surely there has to be something a little nicer out there that is more reflective of my status as...ummm...I got nothin' here either. So I guess what I'm sayin' is I'm open to suggestions, which means this ought to be interesting.

*Dialog* And if you can believe it, I had almost an entire blog entry typed up last night before I spazzed out and started rockin' the refresh and back buttons on the totally incorrect Chrome tab, thereby erasing everything I'd worked on last night. I ain't even mad about it though (see: "Note: Gah! I just managed (again) to..."), because I was getting super tired and honestly, the entry wasn't all that great anyway. But I took LostGhost: Seeking & Learning 's advice and downloaded Lazarus   when I got home from work this afternoon- she says The SM has been talking about it a lot, but I don't recall hearing about it before last night. Anyway, I have it now and I'm hoping that of all the dumb things I can ever say or do, vapor-locking while maneuvering between tabs will no longer be a problem, and that I never even have to find out if it works or not. However, you and I both know that this world is far from ideal, so I'll probably know sooner rather than later that this Lazarus thing is legit and a life word-saver.

Well, that's all the time I have folks (no reason; I'm just done here for tonight). Looking forward to sleepin' in the next few days and not doing much of anything else. Peace, just not enough of this, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!

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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/1939270