Small bites

Done deal

Thank God it's over. Those were the thoughts going through my head with anxiety threatening to crawl up and out of my throat when I faced the reality that my husband was cheating again. It took me a minute to get a grip, sure, this was deja vu in the worst way.

No hysterics, no tears, me, for once in my adult life having fantastic control of my emotions. We're going to be ok. This is going to be ok. This is what we wanted. Now we know. It can finally be over.

The strength to look him dead in the face and say calmly, neutrally, "it's over now. I'd like a divorce as soon as possible." Is the kind of win that will echo in my life as profound. I had never, of my own accord, walked away from someone with such crystal clear resolve.

I no longer take responsibility for your journey.
I do not care at all for your anguish.
I do not need your closure.
You will not be given another opportunity to build something here.
It no longer matters to me the outcome of your life.

The trade off here:

I'm free to explore a new beginning with someone so very similar to myself who is both known and unknown to me. Someone who seemed to come in at exactly the right moment, offering something that seared a brand on me, leaving me to recognize a few truths.

In my entire life of dating, not a single person felt like home.
Someone who offered me a soft, dry place to land that was safe, to just be me, no strings, no drama.
Someone who offered me no doubt about us.
Someone who could say "I'm making up for 8 years of neglect." And make good on it.
Someone who could say "I plan to ruin you for any man afterwards." And make me believe it, even when he wasn't so sure himself.
Someone who walked around, trying to gather their thoughts about what to offer a girl like me.
Someone I suspect may be blown out of the water, but has enough mileage to know that it's possibly worth hanging on to, even when it's scary.

I asked the universe to send me a man who knew me, who I trusted, who I cared for, who could allow me to experience the power of a successful relationship dynamic that was build on trust, honesty, and openess. I imagined someone new, and that's exactly what I was given. Someone I had known for years, someone I'd always trusted, someone who'd become new to me in our time apart. The proof of his growth as a person is clear.

This is what I've asked for, this is why it's a done deal for me. Why I couldn't help declaring with tears "I've been waiting!", an anquish I'm not convinced you recognize as truth. What makes the universe work for me, is that I'm quick to recognize when it's delivered what I've asked for. I don't get distracted by the timing.