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My thoughts released; a mind set free |
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These pages contain my thoughts, from meandering ideas and persuasions to deep cerebrations and serious mentations. Why, for what purpose? To release my mind and set creativity free. Somewhere inside the constraints of my mind dwells a writer, a poet, an artist who paints with words. In here, I release those constraints and set the artist free. Perhaps, lost somewhere in the depths of thought, is a story or a poem, waiting to be written. |
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Merry Christmas Yes, I say Merry Christmas, and I hope it doesn't offend anyone. It shouldn't, even if you do not celebrate the day, it's still named Christmas. My calendar has many non-Christian holidays listed throughout the year, and none of them are offensive to me; I don't celebrate them. But if anyone wishes me a happy or joyful holiday, no matter what the day is, I thank them for their kind thoughts.To All! So, for those who celebrate Christmas, I wish you a very wonderful Christmas. For those who do not celebrate Christmas, I still wish you a very wonderful day. And, if you do feel offended, then please accept my apology, and happy holidays to you and your families. |
| My wife and I had a morning filled with a lot of information. Questions were answered, and many options to improve my quality of life were discussed. Within a week or so, I should be getting some different medications that sound promising. It amazes me how much more the VA is doing compared to my oncologist and the cancer center I've been treated at. Although very helpful, the meeting was lengthy, involving a social service provider, the doctor's nurse, and finally the doctor herself. It took us into early afternoon, and with so much information, I'm looking forward to receiving a lot of it in the mail in the upcoming week. Once we finished the online meetings, we had some leftovers for lunch and then headed once again to Glendalough State Park to do a short hike and to let the dogs run and frolic. It was another nice day, above freezing and just a mild breeze. Even so, the cold still gets to me, but hopefully that sensitivity to cold will soon be a thing of the past. Tonight we will have our Christmas dinner, nothing fancy, but we did splurge on a duck as the main course, something that had vanished from the store shelves with the onslaught of Covid and just recently returned to the meat cooler. Tonight we will open one gift from each other, the rest tomorrow morning after we get up and get some coffee going. After, I'll spend the day at home, but my wife will go to her relatives for a family dinner. I was thinking about going as well, but there are going to be a lot of people there, many of them with kids, and I don't want to risk contracting anything from them with my weakened immune system. Also, the relative hosting the dinner has quite a few cats. I love cats, but I'm allergic to them, and again, with a weakened immune system, it's best to stay away. And yet another reason to stay home, they only have one bathroom, and as of yet, I have not fully recovered from the digestive issues of chemo and need to have access to a bathroom at all times, as I never know when or how bad nature will call. I don't feel bad about missing. I'm going to enjoy some quiet time with our dogs and with anyone else who logs in here. Being an introvert, busy family gatherings tend to be trying, and I often find or manufacture good reasons to exit, stage left. A final thought I want to share is this: We really do need to stop killing moles for their mole-asses! |
| Another late night. One of our neighbors came over with a package of Christmas cookies and a card for us this morning. The cookies she brought were peanut butter and molasses, two my wife didn't bake this year. After we did our turn at delivering cookies to the neighbors, providing her with some she hadn't baked. From there it was a trip into Wadena to do a bit of last-minute Christmas shopping. We, my wife and I, did most of our shopping, but still needed to pick up a few things for relatives and for stocking stuffers. Since we both had to do a bit of shopping, we took turns. First, she shopped, I waited in the vehicle with the dogs, then I shopped while she puppy-sat. After shopping and picking up some stuff for tacos, our dinner for the night, we headed into my wife's work. One of the residents she cared for passed away on Monday. He liked to paint, but because of his condition, he needed a bit of help when he painted. My wife would go in on her days off and assist him. He used oil paints, something different for my wife, so he taught her how to paint with oil as she assisted him. Anyway, the family left all his painting supplies for my wife, knowing she would appreciate them, and to show their appreciation for the friendship she shared with him. By the time we got home and fixed dinner, ate, and cleaned up it was nine o'clock. So, now it's time to relax and watch the boob-tube, but I need to maintain my streak in here first. Not much time for anything more tonight, but hopefully tomorrow I can get caught back up. |
| Yesterday we took Max, our Husky, and Bellah, our Australian Shepard, over to Glendalough State Park to do a bit of hiking and to let them run and burn off some energy. We have camped at Glendalough in the past, but it's a cart-in campground. You park your vehicle, unload, and use a provided cart to haul everything to your campsite. No campers (except for the camp host), no electricity, just tents and roughing it. There are two lakes within the park that are connected by a small river that we explored partly by kayak when we camped there. Now days, tent camping is out; it became too much work to haul everything, set up the tent, and sleeping on the ground is difficult and uncomfortable. But, we do want to explore the park fully since we weren't able to when we camped. This means we will need to kayak the two lakes and the river connecting them as well as hike some trails that are only accessable by water. They actually have a couple of yurts and a campsite on the backside of Annie Battle Lake that are only accesable by water. But, to kayak that far and back to the landing means I need to work my ass off to get in shape. I haven't kayaked in over a year, I had put on too much weight for my kayak and had finally lost enough to kayak again, but this past spring, summer, and fall were not good for kayaking or much of anything else. Now, my weight is down even more; I'm close to my ideal wight. But, I'm also very much out of shape. I have the winter months to work on regaining my strength and stamina, and come spring I'll be doing a lot of kayaking and hiking, starting easy and building back up to where I was a couple years ago. |
| Yes, I'm talking about shapes, but in reference to one's own body. While I have always been in good shape, the shape of my body hasn't always been the healthiest. Even though I was breaching the three-hundred-pound mark for a spell, I could still hike for miles up and down hills, I could still kayak, although I couldn't use my sit-on-top because I was fifty pounds over capacity, and it would roll over with the slightest movement. I could do most everything I did before my weight shot up that high. I do admit that putting on my shoes and socks was more difficult, but I managed. The weight shot up because I was used to working in a sawmill. Not only was it very active work, but some of the green wood I'd handle was in excess of a hundred pounds; logs and timbers I tossed around daily for eight hours a shot. This burned calories like they were kindling. But when I quit working this kind of work do to a severe hernia, I quit burning three to four thousand calories a day, but my appetite didn't diminish. Then there was the surgery and the large patch they stuck in me to fix the hernia. For a month, I was inactive, and for the next month, only slightly active. After I healed, I took a job working security. I was on my feet a lot, but it was nothing like sawmill work and only a bit more active than when I was doing office work. So, the weight piled on relatively fast, but as many know, it never goes off as quickly as it goes on. Fat cells are like obnoxious relatives who come to visit even though you prefer they don't. All it takes is a few minutes for them to drag all their luggage in and get settled, but it takes a small miracle to get them back out of the house; fat is the same. Anyway, I did manage to lose weight and get back down to the mid-two-hundred-pound range, but it stayed there, and I've tried for years to get back under two hundred. Last spring, when I went in for the endoscopy that revealed my cancer, they weighed me at two hundred and sixty-seven pounds. This morning, our digital scale, which is spot on with the hospital scale, indicated I was now at one hundred and ninety-five pounds. It's a good thing I had the extra weight to see me through the chemo and surgeries, or there wouldn't be anything left except a stick man! So, the weight I do not miss, but unfortunately, it wasn't all fat that I disposed of; I also lost some muscle through it all. I now have a difficult time carrying in and loading the water softener with salt or scooping and throwing snow. I knew I lost some muscle, but I didn't realize how much until today. We took the dogs to a state park south of us and hiked just under seven-tenths of a mile. It was a pretty level trail, partly covered in packed snow and a bit of ice, but easy walking. The first half was easy, anyway. The second half was a cross-country ski trail, and the last tenth of a mile back to the parking area wasn't on the trail. Yes, my wife and I went off-road through the foot-deep snow. I was huffing and puffing, but still determined to go over the snow bank (about five or six feet high) at the end of the parking lot. My wife, being the smarter of us, went around. Even my Husky was smart enough to go around, but I was going over. I wanted to limb it as I did as a kid; king of the hill! Last winter, I would have scrambled my much fatter self up that little snow bank with little effort, but today, I had to use my hands to get up it; my legs were not strong enough and too fatigued from the hike! I have a hell of a lot of work to build up my muscles, and it's the wrong time of year to do it; it's much too cold for me most days to go out and really work my legs. I can do some weight lifting at home, I have a weight bench and weights. I've just been feeling too sick to do much. Now that I'm feeling better most days, I could spend some time pumping iron. I'm also going to be joining a gym/fitness center after Christmas so I can use their equipment to work my core and legs; it's time to get back into proper shape. |
| Sometimes, days go by, and a person mistakenly thinks it's a different day than it actually is. This is especially true when a person is recovering from a sickness or chemo (medically induced sickness). Usually I check the calendar early in the day so I know about upcoming appointments and such, but sometimes there's a lull in the normally busy schedule. That's the case now. My wife is off work, but it's a changing schedule, so I never know for sure what days she works or what days she has off. I was thinking she had weekdays off on her current rotation, and never even checked the calendar. I decided that while she did some more of her Christmas baking, I would run into town and pick up some ground beef, something for supper, and some chicken grit. I warmed up the vehicle (it's only 7°F), loaded up the dogs and drove the six miles into town, heading to the locker plant to pick up some freshly ground beef and fresh meat (we were undecided what to have for dinner), then I was going to go next door to the feed store for the chicken grit. No, we do not have chickens, but we have ice, lots of ice. I was going to get sand to sprinkle in the driveway for traction, but I was informed yesterday, while visiting some of my in-laws, that chicken grit works better and it's cheaper. (Winter in Minnesota drives the price of salt and sand higher.) But, the feed store and locker plant, both part of the Cenex farmer's coop, are not open on the weekends. I know this, but I thought it was a weekday and didn't realize my mistake until I pulled into the parking lot and saw that they were closed. I was confused for a minute, maybe even less, then checked my phone; Saturday, no wonder they're closed. I pulled out and drove to the local grocery store, and looked around for something that looked good for dinner. I decided on chicken wings, seasoned and baked with a vegetable stir-fry for a side. The vegetables are all prepped and waiting for the chicken, which is smelling delightful as it bakes. |
| I slept in for a change and likely needed the rest. After getting up and having my coffee, we loaded up the dogs and drove into town to fill the five and three-gallon water jugs we use for our drinking water since ours is so heavy with iron. Then we returned home and dropped off the water and the dogs before we took off to deliver some Christmas cards to relatives in the area. Normally, we mail them, but this year I thought delivering them would be nice. Also, with my chemo infusions all spring, surgery in July, and then more chemo through the fall, I haven't been up to visiting them, and since I'm still not recovered fully, I likely won't make the Christmas get-together since it's at a home with a lot of cats and I'm allergic. After dropping off cards and visiting it got kind of late, so for the first time in months, we went out to eat. I had a junk basket, an assortment of deep-fried goodies, and my wife had a small pizza. The food was good, but way more than I could eat. I did my best, but there was still plenty to bring home. After our meal, we stopped to pick up some groceries, and that's when the stomach pain hit. I knew it would, but it was even more intense, and I was barely able to finish shopping. Now, I'm wiped out; it was too much for the day, but it was an enjoyable overdoing it. My stomach has settled down, and I'm about ready to call it a day and head off to bed. Note to self: Do not overdo things, just take it easy and give it time. |
| That one word describes today quite well. It's a term I remember from my childhood: "You'll want to dress warm if you go outside, it's a blustery day." We went from mellow and warm (for northern Minnesota) to cold, windy, and gray; a dreary, blustery day. The forecast is for snow, and we are under a winter weather advisory; however, we have only received a light dusting of snow. Hopefully, we don't get any more because it's icy everywhere from the thawing temperatures of the last two days. With the winds gusting up to fifty mph, the drifting snow would make driving (and walking) very dangerous. I'm just staying inside, except for the occasional potty break for the dogs. My wife, however, had to drive to work, six miles in the country and another mile through town. The conditions out in the country are pretty good, but in town, the intersections were very icy yesterday. The last thing she needs is a lot of drifting and low visibility when she drives home tonight. I'm thinking it's a great day to do some reading, and maybe later, I'll get back in here to see what's going on. |
| It's currently 36°F outside, not as warm as yesterday, which was in the mid forties, but still pretty nice out. I started my pickup and drove it a bit, since it's been parked in the garage for a couple of weeks, and I started and took my wife's car for a drive as well. We parked it since it needs some work done, but I still like to run it and drive it when it's nice out. With the warmth comes thawing, and with the thawing comes water, which quickly turns to ice on the cold ground. Thankfully, the roads are good, but parking lots and driveways are all icy and slick. I drove into town earlier today to pick up some salt to use on the sidewalks and steps, and the parking lot looked fit for ice skating. Luckily, it was flat, or I don't think we would have been able to exit onto the road. I'm feeling better today, but still not completely over what-ever-the-hell got me yesterday. I had a pumpkin bar (my wife has started her Christmas baking) for breakfast, and that settled all right. For lunch, I had a bowl of chili, and that may have been a bit much on my stomach; it didn't settle well. I should be thinking about something for dinner, but I really don't feel like eating anything yet. I did get caught up in here tonight. I have the torpedo heater from storage back in the garage and ready for the next arctic blast of air; the weather app states negative fourteen degrees Farenhiet for tomorrow night. We don't need it for the vehicles; they have block heaters. If I want to do anything or I'm up to doing anything out there, however, I need some heat. Anyway, it's getting to be time to do something about dinner. If not for me, then for the Max and Bellah. Just because I don't feel like eating anything yet doesn't mean a Husky and an Australian Shepard aren't hungry. ACtually, I don't think there's a time when they aren't. |
| The endoscopy went well; everything is looking good. The probem was, I didn't eat enough yesterday. I missed breakfast, had a light lunch, and of course couldn't eat anything later because of the endoscopy. I only took in a tad over 800 calories yesterday. Today I was famished, but couldn't eat or drink anything until after the endoscopy, which took till noon. Instead of waiting to get home to eat, we decided to grab somethig at a Casey's when we filled up with gas. Popcorn chicken sounded good along with some cheese and potato balls. They were pretty good, for gas station food, and with the honey mustard dip, I enjoyed them. It also put food in me, which also helped—for a little while. About fifteen minutes after eating, however, my stomach and lower abdomen began to ache and cramp. The rest of the ride home was miserable, and once home, I made a mad dash for the bathroom. By this time, I was feeling miserable and decided to lie down for a while. I don't know how long I dozed in a kind of half-sleep, half-awake state. I do know that all of a sudden, I felt very nauseated and had to get up and take some anti-nausea medication. It did it's job and the nausea soon passed, but then the sweating started. Not just a little sweating, I was dripping and soaked. I also felt like I was burning up. My wife checked my temperature; no fever. But soon after the sweating and overheating started, I felt chilled. I'm still chilled to the bone and cannot get warm. In short, my abdomen aches, I have no energy, and I'm freezing. Not just feeling cold, my body is also cold. I assume it was something with the food, but my wife thinks it my be a reaction to the endoscopy I had today. She ate the same foods as I did from Casey's, and she didn't have any problems. I'm going to try and get my stuff done in here, but I may just shut down and return to bed. Hopefully, I can keep up my streak before I do. |
| I'm late getting in here again today. Well, I reckon tonight would be more accurate. It was kind of a busy day; tomorrow will be another. I slept in until almost noon, but I was up half the night after a nightmare. I was unable to move in my dream, but I was alive. I couldn't even move my eyes or blink; all I could do was lie there and stare unblinking at the blue sky. I don't know if it was warm or cold, I couldn't tell. But after a while somebody leaned over and looked down at me. "I think he's dead." Another person leaned in, "Maybe we should check his vitals to make sure." "Why? According to the call, he's been lying out here for over an hour. I'm sure he's dead. Let's just bag him up and go get some lunch. We can drop him off at the morgue after we eat. I'm starving." And so, in my dream, ungentle hands lifted and stuffed me into a body bag, zipped it up so I was staring up and blackness, and was roughly handled into the back of the meat-wagon. That's also when I woke, and in a panic, fought to get free of the body bag. But it was only my blankets, and after a few seconds, reality moved in, and the horrid nightmare lost a bit of its power over me. But, it was no use trying to go back to sleep; my mind was going bonkers over a hundred different things. I got up and poured myself a brandy and tried to read a little. After a good hour, maybe hour and a half, and another brandy, I was tired and falling asleep in my chair. It was just beginning to get light outside. I know it was a result of watching them haul my friend and neighbor out of his apartment in a body bag. I had time to eat a quick lunch, shed my pajamas, and get dressed so I could make my appointment at the infusion center. I needed to have my port accessed, get a liter of saltwater pumped in, and have some blood work done for my appointment in Fargo tomorrow to have another endoscopy and at the same time, have my throat stretched so I can eat without having the food hang up. |
| It's been an interesting day, and a sad one. One of my neighbors, and my friend, moved this summer. He could be a bit rough around the edges and not the easiest person to get along with sometimes, but I found it to be a good test of patience and a chance to reflect on a lot of what I've learned in my Bible studies. In the end, it was sad to see him move, and at the same time, a bit of a relief. We still keep in touch, and once I'm feeling better, I want to make the four-hour drive to visit him. On the other side of the building lived another man I thought of as a friend. He was homeless for a spell, living out of his van, but our landlord found him sleeping in his van in the driveway to an open apartment and gave him a good deal on the place. I met Brian shortly after we moved in, and despite his filth (he seldom bathed or changed clothes and lived much like he did when he was homeless) I found him to be a very nice guy. He also tended to be a hoarder and was terrible at throwing anything, even trash, away. But he would come over once in a while when we sat outside, and he would visit. I don't think he had any family around, and he didn't really have any friends, although he did attend a local church, and there were a few people there who would help him out on occasion. Brian enjoyed writing, although he didn't trust or use the internet. He wrote in MS Word and saved most of his writing to flash drives. One day a few years back, the summer before last, his computer crashed. It was an old desktop model with an old-fashioned monitor. He came over and asked me if I could help him get it up and running again. Despite the mess in his apartment, I did my best to help. There was a path to get through, nothing more. He had room for one person to sit on the couch, and at the table, the rest of the place was piles of stuff; stacks of old papers, bags filled with who knows what, and garbage. He was a heavy smoker, and the inside of his apartment was a smelly brown coating of nicotine and tar from his cigarettes; even the windows were so coated you could not see through them. The smell was offensive, and I found it difficult to breathe, but I stayed and did my best trying to get his antiquated system up and running again. It was no use, and in the end, I had to tell him he needed a new computer; his was shot. I thought he was going to break down and cry! He lived off social security and barely received enough to make his payments. The church helped out with donated clothes, and one of the other church members bought him four cartons of cigarettes a month. He used an old phone he had through Straight Talk, another gift from the church, along with his monthly phone card. I had a Dell desktop computer I used seldomly after I got my laptop, so I gave it to him. I had to use my phone's hotspot to connect to the internet and get it all set up and registered for him. It took a good half a day, and it was rough staying in his apartment for that long, but he was a nice guy, and I felt for him. After we finally got it set up and working, he tried it out, and again, I thought he was going to break down and cry; this time, tears of happiness welled up in his eyes. He offered me some canned food, mostly soups and Hormel dinners. He offered me a carton of cigarettes when I turned down the food. I politely declined, telling him that just seeing him that happy was all the payment I needed. Shortly after, he again asked for some help. This time he was trying to get his old printer to work with the newer computer. But it wasn't compatible. It was an old-time dot-matrix printer that was likely geared towards Windows 3! We had discussed getting a new printer ourselves; ours was old and did not print pictures very well. So I talked to Rhonda, my wife, and she agreed, we would by a new printer and give him the old one. It printed text fine, but photos had streaks; he wanted to print out some of his writing and just needed a printer that would work with the Dell and print in black and white. I helped him get it set up and even purchased a few packs of cartridges, both colored and black, because I knew he didn't have any money to buy ink. When we finished, and he printed out a page, in color, I thought he was going to start dancing; he was so excited and could not understand why I was being so kind to him. I explained that in our Bible studies, we were told to reflect on others the grace our Lord gives to us. He doesn't get out much in the winter, and with the cold, it didn't seem odd that his old van hadn't moved in a while. After a couple of weeks had gone by, I started to worry. I told the landlord that I hadn't seen him out and about since the first week of the month and was concerned. Our landlord was also concerned, Brian had not paid his rent, and was always good at paying when he got his social security check. When he tried to call, he found Brian's phone was also not working. So, the landlord went over and found a lot of mail in his rural box; the door wasn't locked, and the light was on inside, as well. But he did not find Brian. We talked after he came out and decided maybe someone from the church had taken him to the hospital or something, so the landlord contacted the church. No one had seen or heard from Brian in a couple of weeks. The pastor informed the sheriff's office yesterday, and today they showed up at his apartment. They were inside for a short time, then back out to their cars. I went out and inquired, but was instructed to return home, so I did. A short time later, a van pulled up, and another guy went inside, then came back out and talked to the deputies. All three went back in and shortly after came back out with a body bag; it was easy to see there was a body inside. I contacted my neighbor, who had moved; I knew he and Brian had been friends; I thought he would want to know. I also contacted our landlord and told him that they had found Brian inside his apartment. I did inquire with the deputy, and he was nice about it, but couldn't give out much information until they contacted any next of kin. He asked me questions, and I answered the best I could. I also gave them the landlord's name and phone number; hopefully, they can give more information. They told me that Brian had not been dead for long, and there was no smell; the reason no one saw him was that when he collapsed, he fell into a pile of bags, which had fallen on top of him. They offered no more information. I doubt I'll ever know if he lay there for long and suffered, or if he died quickly. Feeling down over all this, I decided to call my oldest and find out how things went for him. He had surgery on his kidney a week ago to remove a small lump that was filled with fluid. On my ex-wife's side of the family, I guess there is a history of this, but it's just fluid and not cancerous. This is what the doctors also thought at first, but after removing it and having it biopsied, it turns out my boy also has cancer. Luckily, his was found early and contained. It sounds like his treatments will be easier than what I had to endure, and his cancer is highly treatable. He will find out more on his next doctor's visit and let me know more. I'm hoping that in another week or so, I'll be up to traveling. I really do need to see my children and my grandchildren. He has two, my youngest has four, and two of my step-children have kids, one has four, the other two. I haven't seen much of them since my diagnosis and treatments started because they didn't want to expose me to any sickness, and kids are great at spreading sickness. Now that my chemo is done and my immune system is recovering, I long to see all of them again. Today, and this whole damn year, has been a reminder that life is precious and way too short. I don't know how long I have left, maybe a year, maybe two. Then again, if I fall into the 35% that beat this thing, I could have many more years. I'll stay positive that I am in the 35% and take it from there. I was told that if the cancer doesn't return in five years, chances are it won't so I'm going for five. I do know I want to make the most of every day I have left. There's no room to be bitter towards ass-hole drivers or other people who tend to get on my nerves. No, I don't have the energy or the time to be negative; I do not want to waste even an hour being stressed or upset over anything. It's time to reflect on life and to live each day like it's the last. |
| To everyone who commented on my last entry, thank you so much. Your kind and positive comments are so uplifting and encouraging. And also know, through all the treatments, your prayers have been answered, and Ive weathered the storm of treatment better than most. With every visit and every lab my care team and infusion team have constantly told me that I'm not only doing great, but that I'm not getting nearly as sick as most others have. That, my friends, is the power of your prayers! From the movie, Kelly's Heroes, I quote Oddball, "Crazy... I mean like, so many positive waves... maybe we can't lose, you're on!" I have to admit that after hearing the news, I was pretty depressed both Thursday after hearing it and yesterday. I'm not ashamed to say that throughout the day yesterday, the tears would start flowing. Today I'm doing better; my positiveness has returned. According to my oncologist, I do have a thirty percent chance of making the next five years without the cancer returning; if the cancer has not returned in five years, it's highly unlikely it will ever return. For the last six months, it's been one day at a time. This is now a way of life for me. I'm not saying anything to my children or stepchildren until well after the holidays; I don't want to tarnish their joy and add any sad memories. Some time after, I will inform them of my odds; it's only fair that they know. But I will also share with them my positive attitude and my will to beat this thing. For now, it's one day at a time; that's what my Lord grants me. I also know that only He can call me home, and if it's not my time, He will heal me until it is my time. Again, thank you all for everything. You are wonderful! |
| I had my online meeting with a VA oncologist today. She was great, honest, and upfront. She is out of Carolina, but does a lot of work with people all over the states, and with many cancer centers, including Roger Maris, the one I go to. She has also worked with my oncologist and has other patients who see him. She went over all he's done and agrees with the treatment and the imunology fr another ten months. It was a relief learning he's a good doctor and doing everything right; he just doesn't communicate things to me. The VA oncologist was surprised that he had not told me everything. She did. My cancer is very aggressive and very difficult to kill off. Untreated my life expectancy would have been three to six months. But with the aggressive chemo, I get longer to live. How much longer? That's uncertain; a year or two is what she said is the time frame for the cancer to return, and there is only a slight chance that it won't. Yes, there is only a small probability that the cancer won't return, and in most cases it resurfaces in a year or two after treatment. WE did talk about possible treatments and actions if or when it returns, but it all depends on where the cancer attacks and how healthy I am. There is a possibility that I may continue my immunology longer, and she's looking into other possible ways to keep the cancer at bay. I see her again in three months, after my next scan. She also told me there isn't much they can do to even detect the cancer in my body until it starts to grow. Then it will show on the CT Scan. It sounds like I will have a CT Scan every three months to look for the dreaded beasts' return. How am I handling this news? I'm doing alright, but a bit depressed. This is way too close to the loss of my mother back in the nineties. She beat the cancer, but only for a year. She spent Christmas in the hospital receiving treatments. After, her oncologist told us that her cancer would likely return in a year or two. We got one more year to spend with her. By the next Christmas, the cancer was back, and halfway through January, she was gone. I'll do my best to keep a positive attitude, and I'm putting my trust in God. Maybe the doctors can't stop this type of cancer, but I know my Lord can; that's where I put my trust. |
| Another busy day. My wife had therapy this morning, after she was done, we had just enough time, if traffic and roads were good, to get over to my appointment in Fergus Falls. So, after a couple of cups of coffee, we loaded the dogs up and headed to her therapy, which unfortunately was in the opposite direction of Fergus Falls. Of course, her physical therapy ran over a bit, so we were even more rushed. The roads were pretty good considering the 7+ inches of snow we received two days ago, but we came up on an accident and had to sit and wait for the two trucks to get the road cleared. We were running about ten minutes behind when we got to Fergus Falls, but there, the roads were crap. Of course, we had to drive through town to get to the VA clinic, and by the time we arrived, it was thirty-five minutes after I was supposed to be there. I apologized at the registration desk, and to my surprise, the receptionist was understanding and informed me it wasn't a problem. I didn't have to wait more than five minutes, and I was called back to have some blood drawn. Knowing they wanted my blood, I had them leave my port accessed yesterday so they could use that to draw some blood. But, the person accessing my port has to be a registered nurse and also be trained in port access and use. Unfortunately, they did not have a nurse on hand who could access my port. So, I had to have a needle stabbed into me. Since I tend to be somewhat dehydrated, it's difficult to find and stick my veins. But the lab technician found one that she could stab, and by golly, there was only the slightest prick as the needle went in. She hit the vein with no problems and drew the blood she needed, then out came the needle and on went the bandaid. I was surprised how easily and with little pain she did her job. But, since it's not safe to run around with a port access dangling from one's chest, I had to make an appointment back here in Perham to have the port de-accessed. My wife called while I maneuvered us out of the snowy, sloppy, and very slippery streets in town. The folks in Perham said I could get in at three, so once again we were pushing to get there. We arrived a few minutes before three, and I entered just as the nurse rounded the corner by the registration desk. She took me right back to a room in the infusion center and removed the port needle, dressed the area and told me I was good to go. Yes, a first in my life, no wait at the hospital and no wait in the room. I was in and out in less than five minutes! After we returned home so my wife could get ready for work. She had time to make a sandwich for her lunch and eat a bit of the ham and other vittles we had put in the slow cooker before we left. Our first ham from the pig we had purchased from the locker plant. It wasn't too salty, had a very nice smokiness, and was very tender and flavorful. I would say it's the second-best ham I've eaten. That I can remember, of course. The best hams are from the Perham Locker plant; they often have double-smoked hams that are beyond description as far as taste. Tomorrow will be another busy day, then a short break from all the running. Next week I have to go to Fargo to have an endoscopy, and my throat stretched open again. After the last chemo infusion, it closed up some, and I'm again having difficulty swallowing foods and medications. Hopefully, once more will do the trick and I'll be good to go. But the surgeon did say that many people who have had the same surgery have to come in and have this procedure done once or twice a year. Hopefully, I won't have that problem, but even if I do, the procedure isn't bad, and recovery is a day or two. |
| I went in today for my immunotherapy infusion and was surprised by how many of the medical staff came and congratulated me on my last CT Scan and my prognosis of being cancer free. They wanted to know if they could join me after my session for the bell ringing. I usually don't care to be around a lot of people, but all these people played a big part in getting me through all the infusions and problems associated with them; they did not treat me like a patient, but like a good friend. So, after my hour infusion (a big improvement over the six-hour chemo infusions) we went out to ring the bell. They read a short poem, and then I gave the bell three good tugs, ringing out that for now, I'm free of cancer and done with chemo. They clapped and shook my hand, then we did a few pictures. For six months, I've endured hell on earth waiting and praying to make it to this day. After the last chemo treatment, I seriously thought I wasn't going to make it a few times; there were days I hurt so much that I questioned my decision to finish the chemo. I really had reached the end, but everyone's comments and prayers kept me positive and determined not to give up. I cannot thank all of you enough. If ever you wonder if your prayers are heard, I can honestly say, "Yes, they are."   |
| It says it's been three days since I posted in here. I know I missed yesterday, I was gone and did not get a chance to spend any time in WdC, but that's only missing one day; how did one turn to three? Not that it matters, life is like that, and good intentions don't take you very far. Anyway, on to yesterday, or is it back to tomorrow, and let's not forget to put today in someplace. Yesterday, up early and off to have labs done. I had my appointment in Fargo for labs, a meeting with my oncologist, and then my immunotherapy infusion for today, but I don't want to drive two hours when I can do everything except meet with my oncologist right here, six miles from home. Therefore, I changed the appointments and had my labs done here yesterday. They acess my Power-Port for this, and of course for the infusions, so I told them to just leave me accessed since I had my infusion changed to Perham as well, but had to put it off until Wednesday because my oncologist insists on meeting with me first to go over the labs and my recent CT Scan. However, when they accessed my port, it was blocked with blood clots, which is a bit dangerous since the port feeds directly into my heart. The clots are from the medication I'm on for the bleeding issues, and it seems the heparin they put into the port after didn't get done last time it was accessed. So they had to put in something to dissolve the clots before they could draw blood. It took a few hours and a few injections of the anticoagulant to get the port cleared, then they drew a couple of tubes of blood, which the nurse thought were too thick; I was dehydrated again and had to sit and have a liter of water pumped in through my port. After we drove over to Detroit Lakes to do some shopping. Up until yesterday, any shopping meant using a handicap scooter; I can't walk far without being winded, and with the loss of sensation (except a constant tingling–like my feet are sleeping), it's difficult to walk. But I want to build the muscle back up, so I pushed the cart for stability and walked through the stores. I did pretty well, but by the time we returned home, I was shot; I dozed in my chair until dinner was ready, ate, and then dozed some more until it was time for bed. Today, we are supposed to make the two-hour drive to Fargo to talk for five minutes with the oncologist about the results of the lab and the scan. But we have a severe winter storm warning for the day. According to the radar, the storm has already hit Fargo (west of us) and is heading this way. They had a coating of ice, now the snow, and fifty mph winds, which will soon be here. Therefore, I'm not driving to Fargo. Besides not wanting to drive in a blizzard, my luck would have me just about there when they call to inform me my appointment is cancelled do to the weather. Hey, don't laugh, it's happened a few times already. So, to get the infusion tomorrow, I'm supposed to talk to the doctor. I called the cancer center to try and set up a meeting through Zoom or something, but was told that my oncologist doesn't do online or over-the-phone meetings. They also informed me they would try and get something worked out so I can still get the infusion tomorrow, if they can. Now I wait and hope I can get in tomorrow and get my infusion, but I have my doubts. Instead, I have a sneaky suspicion that they will reschedule me to meet my oncologist in Fargo and then have my infusion there after talking with him. I say this because it's happened a few times. It's either his way or no way. If this is the case, I need to find out how to fire my oncologist and get a different one; I'm tired of catering to the doctor instead of him making my life easier! |
| Yesterday my wife spent the day helping her mom decorate for Christmas and didn't get back home until late. She had gotten her and her mom pizza and ham & cheese balls from a local pizzeria that has wonderful food. Knowing I would enjoy these as well, she bought extra to bring home with her. I had already eaten, so it went into the fridge for the night, waiting to be heated and eated for lunch today. I picked up a ham & cheese ball first and took a bite; wow, that's salty! My wife informed me they weren't any saltier than normal. I then took a bit of the pizza, and wow, was it salty! Of course, it wasn't any saltier than normal. I enjoyed the food and know it will take a while to adjust to the saltiness of foods again. I lost the ability to taste sweet and salty after the first or second chemo infusion back in May. I could, at times, slightly detect saltiness, but only with items that were significantly over-salted, such as Campbell's soups. Sweet foods lacked sweetness, and sour items, like lemonade, tasted sweet. Other tastes have also been off, and nothing tasted as it should. But now it seems my taste buds are healing and working more like they should. But, after months of not tasting salt, it didn't take much to seem too salty. I also drank some orange juice, and it tasted like oranges and wasn't sickeningly sweet. I'm looking forward to enjoying lemonade again, as well as iced tea with lemon in it. In fact, I'm looking forward to eating and enjoying so many foods again. |
| Yesterday went pretty well after getting some fluids in me via IV. I just warmed up some hotdish for dinner and was able to eat about a cup. It settled all right, but it left me with only half the calories I should be taking in. A couple of hours later, I decided I should eat a healthy snack, so I put some sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, and cashews in a bowl and snack on them while I watched a bit of TV. I did manage to eat them, but it was like my dinner was still filling me up. After, the pain returned to my abdomen, and the acetaminophen did little to help. It did subside a couple of hours later, so I was able to sleep well. Well, until five-thirty this morning when I woke up. I don't know if some sound woke me or what, but I was having a nice dream. I don't remember it now, it faded quickly upon waking. Since I couldn't get back to sleep to finish my dream (you know you've tried it too) I decided to just get up and have coffee. While I waited for the coffee, I ate two Clementines my wife purchased yesterday. I peeled them and was a it surprised that they were difficult to peel. Usually, one can easily remove the skin, or hide, or outer clothing; whatever you call the rind, or peel, or just that orange outside part that's always so bitter when you have to bite it. Anyway, by the time I skinned them varmints, the coffee was done. Do, breakfast consisted of two mini-oranges and a cup of coffee with a teaspoon of honey and a tablespoon of heavy cream. I used to drink my coffee black, but nowadays I need to increase my calorie intake anyway I can. But I don't do sugar well, so I figured I'd try honey, and that does not seem to cause the same problems. I also switched from powdered creamer to real cream, again needing more calories, and figured the cream is a healthier choice. The coffee was good, but the midget oranges were not. They were dry and lacked flavor. It's a bit disappointing how bad fresh produce has gotten over the years. As a child, I remember going with my grandma to buy lugs of fruit. Once home, it was always so delightful to bite into one of the juicy and sweet treats. Of course, Grandma canned up the majority of the lug of fruit, be it peaches or pears, or whatever was in season; she even canned up jars of rhubarb sauce. The produce was fresh, and the only drawback was it had to be in season to find it. Now, with all our advancements in technology, we can have almost any type of produce any time of the year. Unfortunately, it's usually picked prematurely, stored for too long, and then artificially ripened to sell. I do know my residence near the Great White North makes a difference in produce during these cold winter months, but again, with all our advancements, you would think our food would have gotten better, not worse; most produce begins to spoil before we can consume it all. Even the meat from the stores has lost much of its flavor and shrinks down to half its size when cooked. And, instead of having to drain some of the grease from the meat, you have to drain off all the water that cooked out. Thankfully, we have fresh and local beef and pork available to us, locally processed and about the same price as supermarket meats, sometimes even cheaper. For example, I can buy a freshly butchered whole chuck roll (pretty much a deboned front leg of beef) for $5.50 a pound. Out of the chuck we get two or three roasts, six to eight thick cut steaks, and the rest is cut into stew meat, beef strips, and the scraps are saved for our dogs. It seems I've rambled on for a bit now, a nice indicator that I'm feeling better this morning. I'm not feeling good, but I'm not feeling as poorly as I have been. It seems I'm slowly starting to recover. My doctor informed me yesterday that, after six months of intense chemotherapy, there is a lot of damage to my entire body; it's going to take several months to heal. |
| Another busy day, but it wasn't supposed to be. I woke up with only one appointment to take care of this morning, to have a CT Scan taken with a contrast dye, looking for cancer. I got up around seven-thirty, providing me with an hour to enjoy some coffee and wake up. However, when I arrived at the hospital for the scan, they were unable to access a vein to administer the dye. After three attempts and three failures, I was sent over to the infusion center to have my Power Port accessed. But before they could access my port, they needed to have it approved by my doctor. He, of course, wanted to know why and had a few more tests done, including wanting me to pee in a cup. It took over an hour and a couple of cups of tea before I could squeeze out about an ounce for them to analyse. They did access my port and took a couple of vials of blood, as well. The verdict? I was low on some key electrolytes and on water. Yes, I was dehydrated, and not just a little. The first thing my doctor wanted was for me to be back in the hospital to have I fluids, electrolytes, and to be monitored. I refused and just had them pump a liter of water into me before going to my rescheduled CT Scan. After the scan, which went fine with the use of my port, I returned to the infusion center to have my port access removed, but they informed me that I would be staying for another liter of fluids, reinforced by some electrolytes I was in short supply of. I also had to be able to provide another urine sample. I decided that I may as well get some other appointments changed while I was hanging around the hospital with an IV attached to me. I had been scheduled to have labs and my immunotherapy in Fargo, but had previously requested to do all my infusions and labs here at home; ten minutes of driving beats two hours, especially this time of year. My poor nurse had to accompany me, via wheelchair, to get this all done. But with my wife by my side and the nurse behind me, I managed to get things set up to my liking, not my oncologist's. I do need to go to Fargo to go over the scan and my labs, but being there at noon is better than at seven in the morning. So, instead of everything in one day, I have labs here in Perham (it's actually pronounced Perm, and when the locals hear me say Per-ham, it drives them crazy), anyway, I digress. Labs on Monday in Perham at 9:00 a.m., a follow-up with my oncologist on Tuesday at noon, and if everything looks good on the labs, my infusion here in Perham on Wednesday. I would have just put up with doing it all in one day in Fargo, but I had to make a point. I have at least three times informed my oncologist in Fargo, his P.A. here in Perham, and his scheduling desk in Fargo that I do not want to do any of the treatments in Fargo; I would only do them here. So, as you can see, it was a matter of principle. Anywho, I spent the morning at the hospital, they filled me up with two liters of water, but they had to space them out so it wouldn't over-thin my blood. I'm balanced with electrolytes, and hopefully things will go better as I go forward. I do know I'm no longer suffering from vertigo, headaches, nausea, weakness, and blurred vision. It's amazing what a little water can do. How did it get so severe? I wasn't drinking quite enough (this is an ongoing problem for now, so I have to go in more than once a week for an IV water infusion), compounded with severe diarrhea from the chemo, and then an issue with bleeding from my sinuses, stomach lining, and even my intestinal tract. (It's nothing serious, just the smaller blood vessels have thinned so much from the chemo that they leak.) All this should be improving any day now, as I'm further out from that last infusion; the bleeding has already almost stopped, and I was put on Imodium (where will you be when diarrhea strikes). I was also given a shot in the stomach of something that is supposed to help me produce more platelets, which will stop the bleeding problem. Things are kind of hanging, but after getting a refill on H20, many of my problems faded away; some of the others have at least lessened. Surprisingly, even my sense of taste improved with hydration; who would have thinked it?  |
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