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My thoughts released; a mind set free |
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These pages contain my thoughts, from meandering ideas and persuasions to deep cerebrations and serious mentations. Why, for what purpose? To release my mind and set creativity free. Somewhere inside the constraints of my mind dwells a writer, a poet, an artist who paints with words. In here I release those constraints and set the artist free. Perhaps, lost somewhere in the depths of thought, is a story or a poem, waiting to be written. |
| Tom Petty said it best in his song, The Waiting, it is the hardest part. I've mentioned I was having trouble swallowing food and went in to have it scoped. They found a tumor and did a biopsy, which indicated it's cancerous. I got that news four days ago and have been trying to process everything as well as making appointments for more scans, tests, and treatment options. On Monday, I have a PET scan that will show whether the cancer is just in the esophagus or has spread. A week late,r I have another endoscopy with ultrasound to determine how thick the tumor is and what type of surgery will be performed. I also have to do a slew of blood tests and lab work, but have not received the dates for that yet. Once the tests, scope, and labs are done, I'll meet with a radiologist, a surgeon, and a medical doctor to discuss what needs to be done for treatment. I know it's going to be rough, but the most difficult part is right now, knowing there's cancer, but not knowing how advanced or what's all affected. As a result of not knowing, it's been difficult to get motivated to do much of anything. My anxieties are high, so I've been trying to keep busy, but not knowing how long I'll be in treatment or how it will impact my ability to do things, I find I don't want to start any projects. I'm sharing this so everyone will know why I'm not very active right now, and likely will be inactive for an unknown time. I will log in and post updates. This will keep all of you informed, and I'm hoping by writing about this, I will be able to come to terms with it myself. |
| Well, I thought it had been a few days, but I see it's been a week since I've written here. This time of year is busy, so it's to be expected to miss a bit here and there, but I seriously didn't think a week had passed. This week is looking to be just as busy. I will find out on Wednesday what's going on in my esophagus and hope it's not anything serious. It's difficult to make plans for anything without knowing what's wrong and what it takes to correct it. For now it's getting things ready for summer, working in the yard, and planning a couple of camping trips with friends and family. Something interesting is the bird house critter we found. We unhooked the top to clean it out for the year and found a furry critter living inside. It's built a nest of grass and fur inside and has a few babies, but it pushed back inside and curled around the babies, so I can't tell for sure what it is. My best guess is a black squirrel. We replaced the top and tried not to disturb it. Hopefully, when the babies get bigger, we will be able to find out what took up residence. |
| It's time to get my five done for the day, then I'm off to take a hot shower and relax after another busy day outside. We seemed to have skipped spring this year, except for a few days here and there. Instead, we are seeing temperatures in the mid-eighties already; it's six-thirty in the evening and still holding at 85OF. Yesterday I worked outside in a tank top and noticed this morning my shoulders were a little pink. It's not painful and should be tan in a day or two, but to prevent a deeper burn, I wore a sleeveless shirt. Now, my arms have a slight pink to them and match my shoulders. I also wore shorts today and think my legs may have gotten a slight pinkness to them as well. But we have our garden set up and planted. My wife wanted to grow a few things, but we didn't want to till up part of the yard, and we have a problem with rabbits eating almost anything we plant. Her idea was to use planters set on a table to keep them up from the rabbits. But, we also have deer that come into the yard and eat, so I thought we could put our dog kennel in a sunny location and then put the planters inside. It's a portable kennel, six feet by eight feet, and seven feet high. I also installed the AC unit in the bedroom and filled in a few more holes in the yard (we have a few gophers that the dogs chase and try to dig out). After, I worked outside on a piece of countertop (a cutout from the sink) that I wanted to seal and put on a small spindle for a table to use when we sit around the fire. It's been a productive day, now it's time for dinner. I'll have to log back in later and get a review written so I can see today's animation. |
| Yes, I was late logging in again today. Being another beautiful day, I spent most of it outside working around the yard. I also started cleaning the garage and made a pretty good dent in the project. I knew once the weather turned nice, I would be challenged to keep up with my daily five, and by looking at the forecast, it's going to stay nice. In fact, we may soon see temperatures in the eighties. I want to start working on the HiLo again and I also want to get the mobile-tent set up and ready for camping. |
| I'm finally feeling better today, over the groggy, drugged feeling from the anesthesia, and I bypassed the pain medication, which also messes with my head. It was a beautiful spring day, so I spent most of it outside. I mowed the backyard mostly to mulch last fall's leaves, although in some areas the grass was tall enough to cut. I used the push mower since it mulches better, and walked over two miles around the yard. I like to mow early and get the yard cleaned up before the dandelions bloom. I don't mow them down, but leave them for the bees to feed on. I also enjoy the bright yellow flowers contrasted with the dark green of the new grass. I also moved the utility trailer out from its winter parking spot and have things ready to move the mobile tent (pop-up camper) out. But that will have to wait a bit longer because I have to move the HiLo camper someplace else. Currently, the HiLo is on the leveled pad for the mobile tent, but I want to move it alongside the garage so it will be handier to work on it. Also, with the mobile tent back in its proper parking spot, I can open and close it easily for this season's camping adventures. I'll confer with the surgeon on the fourteenth to find out the lab results of the biopsies and what needs to be done next. I kind of wish he could have done everything while I was in, but he informed me that I would have to go to Fargo for any in-depth surgery. Oh, and he also told me I can't take Max, my Husky. He's been a great help the last few days. Well, he thinks he's helping. |
| I did my daily five today and discovered that I had not done a review yesterday; I just spaced it out. Yesterday, being under the influence of the anesthesia, it's probably a good thing I didn't do one. Today is better, but much of yesterday is just a blur. It makes me think of the song by ZZ Top, "My Head's In Mississippi". |
| I had the esophagoscopy performed this morning, so it was a rough start to the day. Everything went fine, but I wasn't able to have my first cup of coffee until almost noon. Nothing to eat, drink, or smoke (cigarettes; I know what you were thinking) since midnight yesterday, and I don't even begin to function until after at least one cup of coffee. After they woke me up, I was able to get a half-assed decent cup of coffee and a piece of toast with jelly. They both went down without problems, and I asked for a second cup, knowing the headache I had was as much from no caffeine as well as from the anesthesia. Also, I couldn't check out until after I was able to eat, drink, and pass some liquid; to do that, I had to have some liquid to pass. Once home, I enjoyed a cup of our coffee, had another piece of toast, and then went back to bed. I was hoping when I woke up, I'd feel better, but no such luck. It usually takes me at least twelve hours to recover from the anesthesia, and this time seems no different. The surgeon did stretch my lower esophagus a bit, so it's easier to swallow, but I didn't get a chance to talk to him. I could have waited, but he was doing another procedure and I just wanted to get home. He did take a couple of biopsies from my lower esophagus. I will meet with him on the fourteenth to go over everything. |
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You'll be in my thoughts and prayers 
