Love it. Some of it sounds familiar. It's similar to some of your other work as far as the phrasing goes, but who cares? That last line is beautiful too.
I haven't heard the term 'crossfaded' in years. Ah, nostalgia! So, the brown paper bag... booze or huffing? Considering the rest of the poem, it definitely seems like... huffing. Just curious about the intention.
Lightning and ribs... both featured heavily in one of my recent poems too. Strange that they seem to go so well together.
Anyway, I think this is one of the best in the contest so far. Love the first stanza... the whole narrative is really solid... the imagery is off-kilter awesome. The "i know i can trust them to do their best at chipping away" is a bit verbose, but that's the only criticism I have. Tighten the last lines after the contest and it will just be gold, man.
I thought maybe you had something else in mind, actually. That's just... how it read to me. Clearly, the emotion can across just fine because that's what I got out of it too.
I definitely have those moments where if anyone speaks to me, looks at me, or touches me, I feel like ripping their face off. It just... happens sometimes.
Teddy bear gore is superior to all other forms. Yeah, man... chew that bear's face right off. Love it! Honestly, pretty amazing description of those 'everything is technically fine, but I'm agitated so fuck off" moments.
The older kids are cool and offer
tidbits of advice, like: don't get struck by lightning
because when it hits, it cracks your
ribs, splitting them open and exposing
your organs to all the elements
they're meant to protect, like
thunder shaking the ground and
jumbling them all together in
a gruesome blender.
From the top of the church steps,
I can see where they end in a shroud
of eerie fog and say something like: "I'm at the top of the world."
And they all exchange glances and laugh
about how crossfaded I am as they pass
me back the brown paper bag and lean
against the cold stone pillars.
The smoke trails from our cigarettes
collide midair in a dangerous dance
and my new friends show me how to
inhale proper so it burns my lungs
optimally until I look at them with
dark eyes that beg: please just horrify me,
and I know I can trust them to do
their best at chipping away what's
left of my innocence.
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