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Are You Listening???

by Charlie ~

Rated: GC · Book · Emotional · #2181458

A journey of self-improvement - or not.

Sup? I'm Char.
You may know me from timeless classics such as

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#2030442 by Not Available.

and

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I blog for things like

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FORUM

30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS

(13+)
WDC's Longest Running Blog Competition - Hiatus
#1786069 by FivetricksterTreats

FORUM

JAFBG

(XGC)
Because real life isn't always roses and sunshine...
#2094931 by Elisa, Stik-or-Treat

[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya
They say jump and ya say "how high?"
Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

👀intu the Darkness

Jul 22, 2023 at 8:05am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Hey Char, It's been a while since I've touched base with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. The last thing people should say is everyone loses their grandparents eventually, or it will get better with time. It's the last thing you want to hear when you're hurting. Death sucks, long-lasting illness sucks! Having to decide to let the person go to keep them from suffering REALLY SUCKS! I think the only ones who can understand truly just how much are those who have had to make that decision. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not religious, but I do have a strong faith in God. I call myself spiritual because I don't agree with all the rules and regulations of religion. I do know I will see my family and friends again, and this is a great comfort. I can only imagine how much more painful the death of loved ones is without this belief. But you're right, it can't be faked. But it is a beautiful thing.

Having mental health issues during times like this makes it even harder to go through. I know what you mean about seeing things that aren't there. I'd walk into a room, and say, "Where's Star?" and she would be sitting right in front of me. When I looked, I swear I saw an empty chair. The mind is crazy. It gives new meaning to a mind of its own

Some time has passed since you wrote this. I don't know when you'll see this but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending good energy your way. I hope you're doing better. I look forward to hearing from you.

Aiva Raine

Mar 28, 2023 at 9:40pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'm sorry for your loss. I know they are shitty sounding words that don't even attempt to fill or fix, but they're meant in sincerity.

Having lost several people the best advice I was ever given was when life gets too hard- take it at your own pace. If a day is too much- cope with an hour at a time. If that's too much, take it ten minutes at a time. If that's too much- then you deal with one minute at a time. Work through life and grief at your pace. And don't ever feel guilty because you feel sad. And if you can- find one positive in each chunk of time- even if it's something as little as the beauty of sunlight on a leaf or the softness of your shirt. And ask for help if you need it.

Elle

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:29pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Aw, Charlie, I'm so sorry. It's a shit thing to go through whether it's sudden or not. And just because everyone goes through it, doesn't make it easier. It also doesn't take into account that you were closer to them than your parents. Nobody says 'Oh, everyone loses their parents eventually' do they? Surely not. And that's what's happened here really. I'm actually glad you've got an appointment with a professional tomorrow, because they might be able to help you with getting through that initial devastation.

When my dad lost his mother, he really struggled with his own lack of religion. As you say, there is some comfort in believing they've gone to a better place, been reunited with loved ones, that you'll see them again, and so on. For most of my life, Dad would say 'Religion is a crutch for the weak', but I definitely saw him struggle with the finality of it when he lost his mother, the person he was probably closest to.

My thoughts are with you.

1 Like

~Minja~

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:21pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Crazy stuff, grief. If you want to talk about it, message me always.

1 Like

QPdoll

Mar 7, 2023 at 6:21am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I understand what you mean about wanting to tell your grandmother something. I did the same thing after my grandmother passed. I was at home and the first thing I thought was to call grandma. I picked up the phone and realized that she wouldn't answer. It's so tough losing your grandparents, especially as close as you were. I don't have any magic words, but take care of yourself. It's what they would want.

1 Like

Waltz in the Lonesome October

Mar 6, 2023 at 10:31pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

1 Like

Anni Pumpkin

Mar 6, 2023 at 9:06pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I know it doesn't help any, but I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine much worse than losing a parent or parental figure. They represent stability and safety, you grew up with them, and you've relied on them for most, if not all, of your life. You're right, the initial devastation will fade and things won't feel so fresh. But, as you know, grief never really goes away. It just becomes a permanent part of you.

It's horrible that you only got a couple days worth of bereavement! That's not even long enough for the shock to wear off enough to START grieving. I hope you have the support of someone else in your life to help you through this dark time. Take it easy on yourself in the mean time, that's all you really can do. Taking care of your physical self, eating and sleeping, is critical. Sleep deprivation and hunger will make things feel a million times worse than they actually are (which, for the record, is already pretty bad).

1 Like

Cinn

Feb 20, 2023 at 9:34pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I actually pretty much love this one. Nice, man...

Cinn

Feb 19, 2023 at 11:07am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'd say that more freedom for participants would attract more people. One obvious example that I've never understood is fiction vs poetry. If it's an activity, not a contest, why not allow people to explore whatever the theme of your activity is with whatever type of writing that want to do?

I've actually written for countless contests/activities over the years but never entered... because they inspired me, but I don't fit within the guidelines. Max rating too low, items required (book entries only over here), no poetry accepted, etc.

I know well why people restrict writers' freedom, but they're also restricting the number of participants they'll get. I still just take the inspiration where I can get it.

Elisa, Stik-or-Treat

Feb 19, 2023 at 10:26am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I've had decent participation with Journalistic Intentions (even though I know my prompts are sometimes considered "difficult"). I do think that there's been a bit of a shift in regards to contests and activities, where people have been more open to admitting they find some setups too restricting or that they feel intimidated by contests. I would love to be in discussions to address those issues, but so far I haven't been invited.

September 19, 2019 at 12:01am

#966406

Being a better and worse person

Artist: Modest Mouse
Song: The World At Large
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]

Prompt from Emily via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write a detailed description of how your significant other (or another loved one) has made you a better person.

Challenge from Elle via "JAFBG" : Flip today's 30DBC prompt and write a blog entry that is 'a detailed description of how your significant other (or another loved one) has made you a worse person.

Firstly, congratulations on getting married, Kit

! I hope your wedding day is amazing and special.

I've kind of dropped out of the challenge, but Elle/Emily lured me back in with these flip-flop prompts.

I'm still sick and struggling to stay afloat with school and work. It's super difficult to stay positive and motivated when you just wanna crawl into bed and sleep all the time. Enough about that though. Let's do the thingy.

3 ways my SO has made me a better person

Confidence.
My SO has helped me grow my confidence a lot. When we met, I never stood up for myself about anything, ever. I just went with whatever was going on around me because I didn't even realize that there were options in life. I have a lot more confidence in myself and getting what I want now compared to when we met because she helped me see that what I want is just as valid as what other people want from me.

I have an easier time telling people no now. I have an easier time not apologizing every time someone decides that I didn't do what was most beneficial for them. It's nice to have an outlook that leans toward making positive decisions for myself with confidence that I'm doing the right thing.

Determination.
Along with growing my confidence, Kira has always been supportive of what I want to do. She'll definitely tell me the downsides of a decision I'm making, but if it's what I want to do, she supports my endeavors. This has been absolutely crucial with school.

I think we actually intersected in our determination level for me. In the beginning, I think she was definitely nervous that I was going to give up halfway through and go do something else. I didn't have a history of completing things, especially not difficult things. I was determined not to do that. But since the halfway point, my brain has been screaming at me that I can't do it, whereas her determination in me has grown. For the past couple years, I've definitely relied on her to be like, "Not only can you do it, but you are actively doing it." Now I'm less than 3 months from finishing so, heyyy. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Stability.
Because you tend to get into a routine in long-term relationships, I'm much more stable now than I've been in the past. I still have my moments, obviously, but I'm generally more level a larger percentage of the time. When you're dealing with mental or physical health issues, having some kind of stability is so important. Sometimes when I get really worked up, I just feel like I'm totally losing it. She can be like, "Hey, let's watch this movie, come here." And I'm like, are you fucking nuts? you want to do this mundane thing when I'm clearly losing my mind? But then she lures me into something distracting and I'm like, oh wow, this feels normal??

I still do my spiral thing, or whatever, but I'm less reckless and take better care of myself just because I have that stable support system to straighten me out before I get to the point where I'm going to be self-destructive usually. That's another thing too, just the stability of having someone to remind me to do basic things like eat, take my medication, etc. Some people aren't great at doing these things on their own. I'm some people.

3 ways my SO has made me a worse person

Anxiety.
Before, I didn't give a fuck about anything. All of a sudden I have this thing that matters to me a lot. My issues with depression and my recklessness from being borderline have improved some for sure (they wax and wane), but my anxiety has gotten, like, 7 times worse. There are just so many things I never thought to worry about before. I had so little actual responsibility and no one holding me accountable for anything. The craziest shit could happen and it would just be like, shrug. Who gives a shit? Now it's like my choices have consequences and I have to be careful to make the right ones. Then there are the things that are beyond my control that terrorize me with the potential for doom.

I'm a complete puppet on anxiety's strings now. And, let me just say, not because I want to compare them, but because it's my blog and my experience... Anxiety is waaaaaaay fucking worse. Like, when I was depressed, that shit sucked. But I also didn't care, if that makes sense. I was like, yeah, everything is total shit and I don't wanna move from this spot where I've been laying on the floor for hours. But it was nothing compared to the sheer panic and neuroticism of anxiety. Like, holy fuck.

Jaded.
I'm the type of person who likes to see the good in people and give them second chances. Kira is most certainly not.

She's quick to write someone off as an asshole and quick to assume that someone is intentionally being a dick. On top of that, she will write off ANYONE. Like her own family members even. They'll do something legitimately shitty, but I think most people try to work out? She doesn't. She's like, "k, fuck you, bye forever now." I have no idea how she does it.

She's rubbed off on me a little bit, but not fully. So I'm like, man, this person's a fucking asshole... totally done with them for life. But then that Catholic guilt kicks in and I'm like JUST KIDDING, LOVE YOU!

I've 100% become more jaded with Kira. Because she's heard all about my past from both me and my family members. She was the first person who was like, "Wait, no, that story is shitty, those people are assholes, and it's not okay that you went through that."

Antisocial.
My SO is not a people person, in case you didn't gather that on your own.

We're both pretty introverted, but she's a lot more introverted than me when it comes to meeting new people or going out. But because I have a tendency to be introverted anyway, we feed into each other's introversion. It's like, we could leave the house and do something OR we could not put pants on and just lay around listening to music instead.

Since I started the higher levels of my degree, I'm so busy that I don't get as much social interaction as I used to. When I do have a little bit of free time, I'm hanging with my SO and being around other people just isn't our idea of fun. Now I'm thinking about the prospect of trying to go to a physical job every day and I'm hoping I can find something remote instead. I know it probably won't help with anxiety issues and stuff, but ya know, that's why this is on the negatives list.

I like songs about drifters, books about the same
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane

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