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 |  A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
and
I blog for things like
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
Artist: Brand New Song: The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  : Crazy as it may sound, we are now officially 1/3 of the way through 2019. Write about some of your goals and plans for the remainder of the year. What are you looking forward to? Being a third of the way through the year doesn't sound crazy to me at all. I feel like I've lived 2019 three times as is. Anyway, welcome back. I haven't written in my blog in over a month. I miss you guys always. Let me start by saying that I'm currently in the middle of finals week and I think even if I actively attempted to wear myself out, I wouldn't be as fucking tired as I am at this very moment. It's not just final exams and school shit, it's the constant pressure from every angle. Constantly trying to make enough money to cover bills. Constantly trying to cover for school group members who aren't able or willing to carry their share of the weight. And constantly having confrontation with the toxic people around me. Don't worry, I know I'm toxic too.  Here, let me just reflect on my past 48 hours so you can get an idea of what my day-to-day is looking like. On Monday, I had a final exam that I'd spent most of the weekend studying for. Walking out of that exam, I had a final group project presentation 45 minutes later. When I got out of the exam, I had about 30 messages from team members freaking out because they didn't know their parts, they forgot what time the presentation was, etc... So, I ran across campus gathering random members from my group along the way, because apparently none of them know our campus well enough to meet at a designated point? I went over everyone's part with them and helped them create notecards for their parts. Why do I know their parts so well? Because I wrote 80% of them by myself. After all this, we showed up with less than 2 minutes to spare and stumbled through it horribly. Yesterday, I had to meet with my professor who I'm the teaching assistant for. She's flipping the fuck out because she's sick and hasn't been able to do anything all weekend. She canceled all her classes on Monday. She needs all this shit by the 5th of May and there's no time for her to do it with administering final exams and grading them all week. Blah, blah, blah. By the way, I'm still in this lady's class. Like, I still have to take her final this week. We're in her office and she's totally freaking out about how she told the university she couldn't teach all these classes this semester and she's sick and so on. Of course, I'm like, okay, just max out my hours this week and give me a list of shit that needs to get done. The max I can work at the university is 30 hours a week. She's, like, asking me how I'm gonna do all my finals and work 30 hours, and I'm like I don't really know, but I'll get it done. I take her list of things that need to be done by Saturday and off I go. Then I got everything set up for "Invalid Item" to do our Mental Health Awareness Month thing in May. I pulled all the items from the survey submissions for "Invalid Item" and updated the forum to reflect what we're doing in May.Today's the 1st of the month. I had a final to take in the morning and I was short on rent, so I was like, okay, I need to go out and try to get this money. But also, I knew that I didn't know the material for my final this morning. I ended up staying at home and studying until like 12:30 or 1 in the morning my time and then I went out. I went to this guys's house who I don't really know very well. He lives in the suburbs kind of far from my school. I figured I'd just stay there for a while and then go back home at around 5 in the morning, sleep a couple hours and then go take my final. The night was completely bizarre and uncomfortable. Then I suddenly wake up, like, bolt upright in a complete panic. And I've got no idea where I'm at or what time it is. It took me a good 45 seconds to even remember where I was or what was happening. I grab my phone and see that I have an hour until my final starts, so I'm freaking out because this isn't a super awesome time to try to get to my campus from that area. I kind of stumbled around and when I tried to leave, I walked into a laundry room.  I legit tried like 2 or 3 different doors before I found one that actually let me out of this guy's place.I contacted my friend who lives on that side of the city and is in class with me. She tells me she's just getting coffee and if I can find the intersection where I am she can come get me. So I kind of wander around this subdivision looking for an intersection but all the streets are named like the same fucking thing. Like, Circle Drive and Circle Center and Circle Road or some bullshit like that. I was like, what the fuck... We hooked up eventually and rushed to school. We parked 3 minutes before our exam was starting and legit ran to our building. The professor was not super happy with us when we busted in all out of breath like a minute late.  So, that's what I've been up to the past 48 hours. I have one more final exam this week, one more final project due, and then I need to work 30 hours for my TA role before Saturday, and I've done... no hours so far. At this point, I know this is manic and rambling. I'm going to try to focus my mind for a minute and actually answer the prompt. This year, I'm looking forward to graduating. I only have a handful of classes left in my degree. I'm going to do a couple over summer and then a few more during the fall semester. By mid-December, I should be taking my final final exams of my degree. I'm hearing from a lot of recruiters on a regular basis, so I don't think I'll have too much trouble finding a steady, stable job when I graduate. Accounting and finance are pretty stable fields to begin with, to be fair. That's my major event of the year, I guess. That's what I've been working toward for years. I don't know if you can tell from this entry, or if you've even been able to make it this far into the entry, but I'm trying really hard at all these things I'm doing. I'm putting forth a lot of effort for school. I'm trying to be there to support my group members and ease up the stress on the professor that I'm working with. I have a lot of pressure to pay bills and keep my grades up, and I'm willing to do so much to make those things happen. As far as WDC goes, I have my one group and I focus a lot of attention on it. I don't like to half do things. I don't know how to half do things. The problem is that a lot of it feels like spinning my wheels. You know when your input is really high and the output is really low? It feels like that. I'm spending so much time studying so that I can get pretty much the same grades as everyone else. Because a huge component of all of my classes is group work, I'm carrying people's grades on the group part and they have more time to focus on the individual things like exams. So I'll end up getting the same or worse final grades than my group members because they get the same group grade I get and then they get the same or better individual grades. I'm putting myself at a lot of risk just to breakeven on bills. I'm not saving money at all, I'm going into more debt every semester, and I'm having to scrounge for money just to pay rent. I don't even want to think about the long run psychological damage I'm doing to myself, let alone the most basic risk of like, hey, what if someone murders you for fun? WDC has been pretty slow. I know people don't wanna say it, so, I will. People got overly obsessed with gaining community recognition so there is no longer intrinsic motivation in participating in activities. There is this constant, "What do I get out of it?" mentality that is really sad to see from a site that had so many active participants spending hours on challenges with little or no promise of external reward of any sort. Over half of the people I love so much on WDC are rarely here anymore. When they are here, it's like they disappear again almost immediately. And that's not a knock on the people who are still super active. I've made a lot of really great friends even recently and I wouldn't trade that for anything. The people here are so nonjudgmental and accepting of me, I would never leave the site. That being said, I know a lot of the people running activities on the site are getting tired. They're getting tired of putting in a lot of effort and having little in the way of participation. I know this because they've told me about their experience with this and how difficult it is to run a fundraiser or an auction or a contest or whatever. I think it's sad to see challenges going on hiatus or shutting down because of lack of participation, or lack of quality participation. I'm not knocking WDC. I just miss a lot of my old friends and I think the community has lost some of its motivation. Correct me if I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just so busy with all the other shit going on that I've lost track of where people are participating or what they're doing. I don't know. I don't know what I'm talking about. The point is, I'm looking forward to finals being over because it will free up some of my time. I'm looking forward to graduating at the end of the year and starting an actual career that has a steady, stable income. It's not like you get a Bachelor's degree every year, so this should be a big one for me.  If it makes you less sad We'll start talking again You can tell me how vile I already know that I am |
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