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Are You Listening???

by Charlie ~

Rated: GC · Book · Emotional · #2181458

A journey of self-improvement - or not.

Sup? I'm Char.
You may know me from timeless classics such as

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#2030442 by Not Available.

and

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I blog for things like

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FORUM

30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS

(13+)
WDC's Longest Running Blog Competition - Hiatus
#1786069 by FivetricksterTreats

FORUM

JAFBG

(XGC)
Because real life isn't always roses and sunshine...
#2094931 by Elisa, Stik-or-Treat

[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya
They say jump and ya say "how high?"
Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

👀intu the Darkness

Jul 22, 2023 at 8:05am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Hey Char, It's been a while since I've touched base with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. The last thing people should say is everyone loses their grandparents eventually, or it will get better with time. It's the last thing you want to hear when you're hurting. Death sucks, long-lasting illness sucks! Having to decide to let the person go to keep them from suffering REALLY SUCKS! I think the only ones who can understand truly just how much are those who have had to make that decision. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not religious, but I do have a strong faith in God. I call myself spiritual because I don't agree with all the rules and regulations of religion. I do know I will see my family and friends again, and this is a great comfort. I can only imagine how much more painful the death of loved ones is without this belief. But you're right, it can't be faked. But it is a beautiful thing.

Having mental health issues during times like this makes it even harder to go through. I know what you mean about seeing things that aren't there. I'd walk into a room, and say, "Where's Star?" and she would be sitting right in front of me. When I looked, I swear I saw an empty chair. The mind is crazy. It gives new meaning to a mind of its own

Some time has passed since you wrote this. I don't know when you'll see this but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending good energy your way. I hope you're doing better. I look forward to hearing from you.

Aiva Raine

Mar 28, 2023 at 9:40pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'm sorry for your loss. I know they are shitty sounding words that don't even attempt to fill or fix, but they're meant in sincerity.

Having lost several people the best advice I was ever given was when life gets too hard- take it at your own pace. If a day is too much- cope with an hour at a time. If that's too much, take it ten minutes at a time. If that's too much- then you deal with one minute at a time. Work through life and grief at your pace. And don't ever feel guilty because you feel sad. And if you can- find one positive in each chunk of time- even if it's something as little as the beauty of sunlight on a leaf or the softness of your shirt. And ask for help if you need it.

Elle

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:29pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Aw, Charlie, I'm so sorry. It's a shit thing to go through whether it's sudden or not. And just because everyone goes through it, doesn't make it easier. It also doesn't take into account that you were closer to them than your parents. Nobody says 'Oh, everyone loses their parents eventually' do they? Surely not. And that's what's happened here really. I'm actually glad you've got an appointment with a professional tomorrow, because they might be able to help you with getting through that initial devastation.

When my dad lost his mother, he really struggled with his own lack of religion. As you say, there is some comfort in believing they've gone to a better place, been reunited with loved ones, that you'll see them again, and so on. For most of my life, Dad would say 'Religion is a crutch for the weak', but I definitely saw him struggle with the finality of it when he lost his mother, the person he was probably closest to.

My thoughts are with you.

1 Like

~Minja~

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:21pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Crazy stuff, grief. If you want to talk about it, message me always.

1 Like

QPdoll

Mar 7, 2023 at 6:21am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I understand what you mean about wanting to tell your grandmother something. I did the same thing after my grandmother passed. I was at home and the first thing I thought was to call grandma. I picked up the phone and realized that she wouldn't answer. It's so tough losing your grandparents, especially as close as you were. I don't have any magic words, but take care of yourself. It's what they would want.

1 Like

Waltz in the Lonesome October

Mar 6, 2023 at 10:31pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

1 Like

Anni Pumpkin

Mar 6, 2023 at 9:06pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I know it doesn't help any, but I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine much worse than losing a parent or parental figure. They represent stability and safety, you grew up with them, and you've relied on them for most, if not all, of your life. You're right, the initial devastation will fade and things won't feel so fresh. But, as you know, grief never really goes away. It just becomes a permanent part of you.

It's horrible that you only got a couple days worth of bereavement! That's not even long enough for the shock to wear off enough to START grieving. I hope you have the support of someone else in your life to help you through this dark time. Take it easy on yourself in the mean time, that's all you really can do. Taking care of your physical self, eating and sleeping, is critical. Sleep deprivation and hunger will make things feel a million times worse than they actually are (which, for the record, is already pretty bad).

1 Like

Cinn

Feb 20, 2023 at 9:34pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I actually pretty much love this one. Nice, man...

Cinn

Feb 19, 2023 at 11:07am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'd say that more freedom for participants would attract more people. One obvious example that I've never understood is fiction vs poetry. If it's an activity, not a contest, why not allow people to explore whatever the theme of your activity is with whatever type of writing that want to do?

I've actually written for countless contests/activities over the years but never entered... because they inspired me, but I don't fit within the guidelines. Max rating too low, items required (book entries only over here), no poetry accepted, etc.

I know well why people restrict writers' freedom, but they're also restricting the number of participants they'll get. I still just take the inspiration where I can get it.

Elisa, Stik-or-Treat

Feb 19, 2023 at 10:26am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I've had decent participation with Journalistic Intentions (even though I know my prompts are sometimes considered "difficult"). I do think that there's been a bit of a shift in regards to contests and activities, where people have been more open to admitting they find some setups too restricting or that they feel intimidated by contests. I would love to be in discussions to address those issues, but so far I haven't been invited.

June 11, 2019 at 8:11pm

#960646

Saying it out loud is hard, so I won't say it at all.

Artist: Sufjan Stevens
Song: Should Have Known Better
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]

Life is full of contingencies no one ever bothered to tell me. Yes, you can have this, so long as...

Contingent upon meeting an impossible laundry list of conditions that you were never, ever, ever intended to meet.

I've never had more trouble communicating.

Not when I lost a year (or so) to concealing my weakest spots. Not when I woke to "Last Gas 130 Miles" road signs. Not when I was huddled beneath a too-big Carhartt coat that reminded me of chewing tobacco and half-finished construction projects. "Next spring, for sure." Not when anyone had me by the throat, fully clenched, and conceiving new ways to reemerge. From the ashes and all that...

There was always a kindred soul. Someone who had fucked up like me. Someone who rode the train just for the warmth. Read the synopsis on the backs of books they couldn't afford. Drank until 4 in the morning, because, why not? Of course it's not too late to start Footloose for the 40th time. Of course we can lay on the hood of my car while I ramble about astronomy. Of course I'll guide your hand to point at each star and constellation I see.

Of course.
Of course.
Of course.

I wore everyone out like I knew I would.

Not just me, of course. Life wears people 95% thin and I can take over from there.

Communicating with people now is like when I was 11 trying to explain to my parents that my brain wasn't functioning properly. "I see. Yes, uh huh. I understand. Okay. Right. Well, you know, yeah. That's a shame. Uh-huh, yep. That's too bad. Oh, hmmm. Mhm."

Or worse,

"That's just how Charlie is." That's just how things are for you. That's just you. That's so very, unflinchingly YOU.

Or worse yet,

That's
your
fault.

There's nothing more bleak than just being a terrible way. That reads like, "Stop attempting to self-correct." Just be wholly you. But also, don't actually speak about it.

That reads like, "Just be quiet."

What I don't know can't hurt me >>>>> What I don't give a fuck about can't hurt me

I've tried to be radically quiet. Every time I rant about something, I'm self-aware enough (for better or worse) to read disinterest. I take that dismissal as a demerit. It's time to be quiet now, Charlie.

I just thought you should know.
I just thought you wanted to know.
I just wanted you to know.

In an attempt to be radically quiet, I've actively tried to be less vampiric. Which means I've tried to completely build a wall around myself. Brick-by-brick. I feel like a pinball bouncing off the bumpers.

"Oh, that didn't go well." Brick
"That person has no interest in this topic." Brick
"They don't want to hear about that." Brick
"This is an inconvenience." Brick

No matter what I say. No matter how I try to connect. "This situation is dangerous. I'm afraid of this person. This person is actively abusing me and I'm kind of scared."

Well, you know, yeah. Hmm, yeah. I see. Ha, yeah. Right, mhm. Don't put yourself in that position then. You always do that.

I might as well be saying, "The house is a bit drafty with the strong winds off the lake."

I'm not asking for a solution. Sometimes I just need a safe space to say, "The injustice! How unfair." I know it's my fault. I know I attract certain types of people. I know I have a disordered personality and I don't react to things appropriately. I know all about toxicity.

I don't want to excuse my role in anything bad about my situation. I don't even find myself to be undeserving of it. I don't think I'm worthy of defense.

I just want to breathe deeply on occasion and say, "Wow, this feels fucked up."

I never wanted to be that person who's like, listen, just listen to me. It's gross. I've always tried to mutually support others. Whether I've been selfish in that area, whether I've done a poor job, I don't know. But I've always made an attempt to say, "Wow, I agree with you. That's fucked up."

Even just for the sake of camaraderie. Even when I don't understand. I'm not really sure what's going on in this situation. I've never experienced this before, but you have someone in your corner, okay?

I'll always listen, with an open heart, to anyone. If ever you find yourself without a soul on your side, I will always set aside what I'm doing and take a minute to draw that line so that you know you're not alone. Even if I don't know who you are. Even if we've never spoken a word to each other.

It's so important for people to just feel justified and feel valid.

It's important to feel like you matter.

I've walled myself off so much at this point, I can't imagine even attempting to open up to another human being. I can't bear the inevitable indifference. And that's if another person can even be openminded enough to not cut me off. "You shouldn't do that. Just don't be doing that. Just don't do that. Just don't. Don't."

Even though I've fairly thoroughly exhausted my resources, the way only I can do, I feel like I'm oversharing anytime I actually take someone up on the offer to listen to me. I end up feeling embarrassed and like I matter even less when it's like, "Whoa, um, wow... okay." It's like if you really wanted to share a book with someone, but could only give them chapters 12-18.

I don't know of a word in existence that can adequately describe the frustration of fully agreeing with another person's handling of you and still feeling in want need of something more from them.

It has left me feeling robotic and disconnected in ways I never knew possible.

Even saying this now, I already feel telepathic. "Ah, that's just Charlie. Charlie's just being Charlie. He's just emotional. He's always like this."

Maybe I'm being pessimistic. So, in the best case scenario, "I wish I could help, but I don't know how."

Wherever you fall, I completely agree with you.

I should have known better
Nothing can be changed
The past is still the past
The bridge to nowhere
I should have wrote a letter
Explaining what I feel, that empty feeling

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