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 |  A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
and
I blog for things like
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
Artist: Sufjan Stevens Song: Eugene [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] It's like something that happened to someone else. I'm sitting on his bed with only a towel around my waist when he starts laying into me about how I just want to go. Always ready to just leave. It's hard to fight against someone who is twice your body weight. All they have to do is throw their weight on top of you. No matter how hard you struggle beneath it, it's impossible to slip out. The second you start to get free, they just shift their weight to block you again. He says he's not trying to hurt me. Just stop fighting. Okay, I'll stop fighting. I'll stop fighting. Just let me go home and then I'll come back later. I'll come back tomorrow, I swear. You're not going anywhere. 10 minutes later, he's asking if I want to order takeout. Have you seen Saving Private Ryan? It's a great movie, you have to see it. It's really long, but it's so worth it. Hey, give me your watch. I'm on the couch watching him pace back and forth with my phone. Who is Leo? It's a guy from school. A guy from school? Yeah, it's just some guy in my class. How long have you known him? I don't respond and stare at the wall as he scrolls through the conversation. Wow, you seem really fond of Leo. It's just some guy from school. I barely know him. It doesn't seem like you barely know him. I barely know him. I stare at his movie collection while he erratically thumbs out a message. What are you saying? Nothing. Don't talk to people on my phone, like, let's just chill. Who are you even talking to? Are you worried about what I'll say to Leo? Like I said, I hardly even know him. He's a random person in my class. That's great. You treat a random person in your class better than me. He puts my phone back in his pocket. Chinese? Indian? What do you think? Anything but pizza. I'm trying to stay away from greasy stuff. I think I should go home now. I'd kill for some chicken tikka masala right now. I'm expected home so I should just get going now. He starts getting agitated again and walks over to the front door, blocking it with his body. You're not, okay? You're not going. You always want to just go but you're not going right now. I should take a shower then. I should do anything to get out of this room with him. He asks if I want vegetable curry and then tells me I can use one of the towels below the bathroom sink. Standing under the steady stream of the shower head, I'm not even thinking of a game plan. I'm not thinking of how to get out of the situation. Instead, I'm downplaying it to myself. Like, it's not that big of a deal. I'm sure I'll be able to sneak out later or someone will notice I'm gone and figure out where I am. He hasn't really threatened me. I shouldn't overreact. Instead of plotting an escape, I'm debating whether or not I even care. My arm hurts when I try to raise it over my head. I look down to see my collarbone swelling and an ugly shade of dark red. I just use my other hand to wash my hair. There's no real fear. Just taking a shower like normal. I might as well have been humming. I stay in the shower until the water moves from hot to lukewarm to cold. There's a knock on the door. Food's here. I step out and towel off with a clean towel from under the bathroom sink. All very natural, like staying in a guest's house. I pause in front of the mirror, but don't dare look up. When I step out of the bathroom, he's right there. Sit down over here. I'll bring you your food. The flatscreen is playing a DVD menu with dramatic, dark music and flashing scenes like a thunderstorm and marching soldiers. A war movie is the last thing I want to see right now. I should have said I'd already seen it, but I figured he'd then drill me on the movie's contents and become infuriated when it was revealed that I'd not actually seen it. I can even hear it now, Why are you such a liar? Why do you always lie? I can't stand the smell of Indian food. He brings me a plate of orange mush. I immediately start picking at the recognizable vegetables with a fork because I know he's going to get worked up if I don't eat. The opening scene is loud. Crashing waves, screaming, vomiting, praying, bombs, and gunshots everywhere. I start to ask if we can watch something less violent but he hushes me the second I make a noise and tells me to pay attention. It's really a good movie. I eat more of my curry than expected given the circumstances. I start nodding off during a dialogue-heavy scene in a dark bunker or something. I wake to snapping fingers in front of my face. How are you sleeping right now? Are you seriously bored? I tell him that I'm really tired from school. It's definitely time for me to go home now. I apologize like, sorry, but I need to go home and go to sleep now. He immediately tenses and bolts upright turning toward me. You can sleep here. No, I really can't. I have to go. Kira will start to worry if I don't get home soon. He unleashes a flurry of insults at me. You really think she cares? She wouldn't even notice you being gone. She doesn't care about you. I tell him that, either way, I have a lot of work to do and I need to go. I stand up and he stands up quickly in front of me. I feel anger coursing my veins. I know that I can't control my temper much longer. I tell him that I really am going home now. I take a step back and he grabs both of my arms above my elbows. He tries to force me back down. Just sit! I tell him no and fight against his grip. He tries to wrestle me down to the couch, and I drop to the ground trying to use my legs as leverage to push myself backward away from him. He puts all of his weight on both of my legs and I'm writhing underneath, my knees crushing together. For the first time that day, I feel actual panic clenching my chest, settling in the center of me like a heavy anchor. I'm screaming that he's hurting me. "My legs, get off of me." I try to kick him away but he only bears down harder. Stop making me hurt you! Why do you always do this? Stop fighting! I exhale and it feels like all of the oxygen is escaping my body in one breath. I feel lightheaded like walking into an air conditioned building after running outside on a hot day. He moves his weight off my legs, but keeps his grip on my arms. He pleads with me to just stop fighting. I would never hurt you intentionally. Please just come sit down. I don't want to fight with you. I nod in response. When he lets go of me, I feel like I can feel my pulse everywhere. In my ears, my neck, my chest, my stomach. He moves behind the couch and lingers around the front door as I pull myself back onto the couch, laying across all three seat cushions. He walks over and makes some lighthearted joke about taking all the space. He scoots in under my legs and starts massaging them. I wince at a specific spot and he fingers jump back to it. We're silent for a long time. Are you okay? I tell him I'm fine. I just really need to sleep now. He agrees that I look tired. You should rest. Here, come lay in bed. I agree to, but I have every intention of pretending to sleep and then sneaking out when he falls asleep. But that isn't how things unfold. It's like something that happened to a different person. I keep thinking, like, oh well, it just happened. Like any other thing that just happens. Like twisting your ankle on the stairs or having a car accident. Some things just happen and there's no point in analyzing why they happen or how they happened or what could have been done to prevent them from happening. There's no point in saying, "Well, if only I'd left five minutes earlier. If only I'd stayed home to study. If only..." It's just this thing that happened like any other thing that happens. Since I was old enough to speak, I've said it with alarm Some part of me was lost in your sleeve |
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