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Are You Listening???

by Charlie ~

Rated: GC · Book · Emotional · #2181458

A journey of self-improvement - or not.

Sup? I'm Char.
You may know me from timeless classics such as

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#2030442 by Not Available.

and

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I blog for things like

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FORUM

30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS

(13+)
WDC's Longest Running Blog Competition - Hiatus
#1786069 by FivetricksterTreats

FORUM

JAFBG

(XGC)
Because real life isn't always roses and sunshine...
#2094931 by Elisa, Stik-or-Treat

[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya
They say jump and ya say "how high?"
Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

👀intu the Darkness

Jul 22, 2023 at 8:05am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Hey Char, It's been a while since I've touched base with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. The last thing people should say is everyone loses their grandparents eventually, or it will get better with time. It's the last thing you want to hear when you're hurting. Death sucks, long-lasting illness sucks! Having to decide to let the person go to keep them from suffering REALLY SUCKS! I think the only ones who can understand truly just how much are those who have had to make that decision. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not religious, but I do have a strong faith in God. I call myself spiritual because I don't agree with all the rules and regulations of religion. I do know I will see my family and friends again, and this is a great comfort. I can only imagine how much more painful the death of loved ones is without this belief. But you're right, it can't be faked. But it is a beautiful thing.

Having mental health issues during times like this makes it even harder to go through. I know what you mean about seeing things that aren't there. I'd walk into a room, and say, "Where's Star?" and she would be sitting right in front of me. When I looked, I swear I saw an empty chair. The mind is crazy. It gives new meaning to a mind of its own

Some time has passed since you wrote this. I don't know when you'll see this but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending good energy your way. I hope you're doing better. I look forward to hearing from you.

Aiva Raine

Mar 28, 2023 at 9:40pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'm sorry for your loss. I know they are shitty sounding words that don't even attempt to fill or fix, but they're meant in sincerity.

Having lost several people the best advice I was ever given was when life gets too hard- take it at your own pace. If a day is too much- cope with an hour at a time. If that's too much, take it ten minutes at a time. If that's too much- then you deal with one minute at a time. Work through life and grief at your pace. And don't ever feel guilty because you feel sad. And if you can- find one positive in each chunk of time- even if it's something as little as the beauty of sunlight on a leaf or the softness of your shirt. And ask for help if you need it.

Elle

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:29pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Aw, Charlie, I'm so sorry. It's a shit thing to go through whether it's sudden or not. And just because everyone goes through it, doesn't make it easier. It also doesn't take into account that you were closer to them than your parents. Nobody says 'Oh, everyone loses their parents eventually' do they? Surely not. And that's what's happened here really. I'm actually glad you've got an appointment with a professional tomorrow, because they might be able to help you with getting through that initial devastation.

When my dad lost his mother, he really struggled with his own lack of religion. As you say, there is some comfort in believing they've gone to a better place, been reunited with loved ones, that you'll see them again, and so on. For most of my life, Dad would say 'Religion is a crutch for the weak', but I definitely saw him struggle with the finality of it when he lost his mother, the person he was probably closest to.

My thoughts are with you.

1 Like

~Minja~

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:21pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Crazy stuff, grief. If you want to talk about it, message me always.

1 Like

QPdoll

Mar 7, 2023 at 6:21am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I understand what you mean about wanting to tell your grandmother something. I did the same thing after my grandmother passed. I was at home and the first thing I thought was to call grandma. I picked up the phone and realized that she wouldn't answer. It's so tough losing your grandparents, especially as close as you were. I don't have any magic words, but take care of yourself. It's what they would want.

1 Like

Waltz in the Lonesome October

Mar 6, 2023 at 10:31pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

1 Like

Anni Pumpkin

Mar 6, 2023 at 9:06pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I know it doesn't help any, but I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine much worse than losing a parent or parental figure. They represent stability and safety, you grew up with them, and you've relied on them for most, if not all, of your life. You're right, the initial devastation will fade and things won't feel so fresh. But, as you know, grief never really goes away. It just becomes a permanent part of you.

It's horrible that you only got a couple days worth of bereavement! That's not even long enough for the shock to wear off enough to START grieving. I hope you have the support of someone else in your life to help you through this dark time. Take it easy on yourself in the mean time, that's all you really can do. Taking care of your physical self, eating and sleeping, is critical. Sleep deprivation and hunger will make things feel a million times worse than they actually are (which, for the record, is already pretty bad).

1 Like

Cinn

Feb 20, 2023 at 9:34pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I actually pretty much love this one. Nice, man...

Cinn

Feb 19, 2023 at 11:07am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'd say that more freedom for participants would attract more people. One obvious example that I've never understood is fiction vs poetry. If it's an activity, not a contest, why not allow people to explore whatever the theme of your activity is with whatever type of writing that want to do?

I've actually written for countless contests/activities over the years but never entered... because they inspired me, but I don't fit within the guidelines. Max rating too low, items required (book entries only over here), no poetry accepted, etc.

I know well why people restrict writers' freedom, but they're also restricting the number of participants they'll get. I still just take the inspiration where I can get it.

Elisa, Stik-or-Treat

Feb 19, 2023 at 10:26am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I've had decent participation with Journalistic Intentions (even though I know my prompts are sometimes considered "difficult"). I do think that there's been a bit of a shift in regards to contests and activities, where people have been more open to admitting they find some setups too restricting or that they feel intimidated by contests. I would love to be in discussions to address those issues, but so far I haven't been invited.

July 19, 2019 at 12:03am

#962836

This weekend...

Artist: The Weeknd
Song: Dark Times
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]

Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : What are your weekend plans? If this weekend isn’t noteworthy, share your plans for an upcoming weekend or a past weekend that is worth writing about.

I don't mind the "torture" prompts.

During summer break, I lose track of days. Really, I've not had the concept of 'weekends' for years. I've been going to school during the week and working on weekends. So whether it's Tuesday or Saturday, it doesn't matter that much to me. During the semester, I'm busy doing shit I don't wanna do regardless.

This weekend, I'm gonna go see my family. I've been putting it off for a while and keep telling myself I'll do it next weekend, I'll do it next weekend. So, this is next weekend, I guess. I like seeing my brothers and I like seeing my nieces. But it's not like I can just drive all the way out and hand select who I want to see, you know?

I was fine before this year, by the way. I never gave too much thought to visiting whoever whenever. Sometimes I'd get a little bit anxious and I'd usually get a bit triggered following a visit, but it wasn't like something I had to force myself to do.

Now it's just a lot rougher.

Once the whole family split between my grandfather & parents happened... honestly, I haven't seen any of them since then and that was in March. Between the whole, "Hey, everyone gets abused so don't talk about it" thing and the "He's a liar. No, he's a liar" thing, I was just like...

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I was also in the middle of midterms and had surgery at the same time as this, so it was especially like, just no. I think it was the first time the Catholic guilt didn't hit me super hard. It was just kind of like, I shouldn't have to put up with this in the middle of my last year of college. Like, it's bullshit.

For those who haven't read whichever entries I was writing then, the gist of it is that my parents and grandfather don't get along anymore. During the middle of this brutal battle, my grandfather mentioned that they don't treat people very well and are abusive, and he cited ME as proof of this. Like, "Exhibit A - This total clusterfuck you call Charlie."

This infuriated my parents who assumed I was talking shit about them (I wasn't), and they made it their life's mission to make sure I knew that other kids have had it way worse than me and that I need to shut the fuck up immediately and forever.

So, that's basically where things have been with my family since March. I haven't seen them and I haven't talked to them (minus being included in some group chats with my mother).

When all that went down, I definitely had people in my 'real life' and people here telling me that I should step back from things for a while. I'm the type of person who needs "permission" to do things. Like, even just, "Hey, if I were you. . ." because then I can think okay, there's no reason to feel guilty and what you're doing is valid.

I remember FivetricksterTreats

telling me that I'm not under any obligation to anyone for anything, especially if they're toxic. And I remember Waltz in the Lonesome October

giving me a totally new perspective as someone who was adopted. I remember Warped Sanity

giving a really interesting perspective on normal parenting errors vs. abuse and I remember ~Minja~

talking about how people use denial to cope with their mistakes. I remember Elle

even asking her own kids about their experiences so that I could see like, hey, abuse isn't "totally normal."

And over the last 4 months, I've reflected on those things a lot. When I start feeling that sick, familiar feeling of guilt rising, I remind myself, hey, you don't owe anyone anything, just take care of yourself. Or when a memory arises that starts making me feel like compelled to just reach out and take whatever they're ready to throw at me, I think about how we can choose who we want involved in our lives and blood relatives don't necessarily make the best family.

Of course, I've thought a lot about what the people around me have said too. For example, someone in my 'real life' talked to me about the limited capacity that people have at a given time. They told me that a person doesn't need to be sorry if they don't have the emotional resources or capacity to confront or deal with an issue.

But, in the past few weeks, I've been really struggling. I can't explain what this type of guilt feels like, but it's very deep-seated and I don't think it's something that a person can completely outgrow. It's just such a foundational part of my development as a human.

I've been thinking about how these people are getting older and how terrible I'd feel if something happened, yada yada yada.

So, that's my plan this weekend...

Yes, I said all of that to summarize that this is the weekend I've decided to follow through. After a few weeks of saying I'd do it next week, it's finally time to go through with it.

I haven't actually called my grandfather yet to tell him I'm driving out because I am EXHAUSTED even thinking about doing it. I legitimately tried to call him yesterday to tell him I'd be there this weekend and I literally fell asleep because the thought stressed me out so much that I just laid in bed for, like, two hours.

Can we go back to the "torture" prompts now because this one was more torturous for me.

In my dark time taking it down to the street
Making those promises that I would never keep

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