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 |  A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
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[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
Artist: Bright Eyes Song: Devil in the Details [Embed For Use By Upgraded+]  Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  : Share three pieces of advice you’ve received through your life that you wish you had heard earlier. 1. Comfort is more important than politeness. If I ever have a kid, this is the very first thing I want to teach them after the basics. I was raised to believe that being polite is the most important thing. "Yes, sir." "No, sir." "Yes, ma'am." "No, ma'am." "Yes, please." "Thank you." Always. My parents required these niceties. I would get in trouble if someone asked me a question during mass and I responded with just "yes, no, nah, yeah." My parents received lots of compliments on how quiet and well-behaved I was. I was also taught to respect others whether I knew them or not, and this went doubly for an elder. If someone was much older than me, which most people are when you're a child, I was taught not to even question them. The most disrespectful question was "why?" I was supposed to follow rules and do what I was told to do without questioning it. All of these things have the potential to be nice. I mean, who doesn't like a kid that listens to what they're told to do and shows a lot of respect and politeness? But these things can also be a detriment to a kid. If there's one thing I'd want a kid to know, it's that it's okay to leave a situation if you're uncomfortable. If you get that weird feeling in your gut and your instincts are screaming at you that something isn't quite right, fuck politeness. Just get yourself to a place where you feel comfortable and safe. Because I was so afraid as a kid to be seen as 'rude,' I allowed myself to get in or stay in situations where my heart was screaming that something was off, but my brain was screaming that it would be rude to disobey or otherwise disrespect the person. This is something I still struggle with to an extent. My first instinct when a situation starts giving me red flags is, "Well, I don't really wanna be a dick, so..." But I'm getting better at telling myself, No, you feel uncomfortable in the situation. It's okay to feel uncomfortable. It doesn't matter why you feel uncomfortable. Just kinda be rude if you need to. Oh, and by the way, just because someone is older than you doesn't mean they instantly earn respect and are immune to any criticism.  2. Listen with the intent to understand rather than with the intent to reply. My professor told this to my public speaking class before we listened to each other's argumentative speeches. It's so difficult to remember to put your ego aside and actively listen, with an open heart and open mind, to another person. At the same time, it's so easy to tell when you're speaking to someone who is just waiting for their turn to start talking. It's almost like you can see their wheels turning, OK, shut up so I can say what I planned to say instead of listening to you. That was one of my favorite lessons in my entire education. Argumentative speeches have a lot of topics that are difficult to listen to. I had knee-jerk reactions to some of the speeches where my brain just instantly shut down when the person started presenting their "Why Abortion should be Illegal" speech. My mind was not persuaded or changed on any topic during those speeches, but once I started actively listening to someone's perspective, I could at least begin to understand why they felt the way they felt. I didn't agree with them to any extent, but my takeaway from that was: Other people are entitled to opinions that are different than yours and that's okay. Stop thinking about what you're going to say to make them think like you. 3. Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. Hanlon's razor explains so many of the things I didn't understand in life for the longest time. I also find that it almost becomes an optimist vs. pessimist thing. Probably best explained through an example. Person A sees someone parked over the line in a parking lot and thinks, Wow, this person is a real asshole. They think they're entitled to two parking spots. Person B sees someone parked over the line in a parking lot and thinks, Wow, this person completely lacks self-awareness. I've started trying to frame my mind around Person B because life is just easier for me to accept that way. When I can, I try to assume that someone did something because they're just not that bright or self-aware rather than thinking that they did something with malice intent. Sometimes people aren't doing something shitty because they're intent on inconveniencing you or disrupting your life. Sometimes they're not even doing something shitty because they're selfish and entitled. Sometimes people do shitty things because they just lack the capacity to see what they're doing and how it could affect other people. That doesn't excuse the shittiness, but it's slightly better than doing something with specific malice intent. Also, it's important to remember to have empathy for people. When I see something kind of shitty (but not completely egregious), I try to remind myself that I have no idea what that person is going through. They could have a family member in the hospital, they could be sick and on medications, they could have insomnia and not slept for days, they could have just lost their job, they could be going through a divorce. There are a million situations that could lead to a lapse in judgment, and it's wise to keep that in mind. I made amends In the general sense But the devil's in the details |
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