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 |  A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
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[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
Artist: Led Zeppelin Song: Communication Breakdown [Embed For Use By Upgraded+]  Prompt via "Invalid Item"  : Prompt 1: Reflect on the way you communicate with other people. What are the best and worst things about your communication style? What can you do to correct the worst aspects of your communication method and what suggestions do you have for strong communication skills? The Good I definitely have good aspects to my communication style. I'm a fairly empathetic person and can easily put myself in another person's shoes. If someone's talking to me about something, I can sense what they're feeling without having ever been in their situation. It's helpful to be able to read people's moods, especially in situations where someone clearly has trepidation about something, but is trying to be polite. For example, when I'm working with someone on a project, it helps if I can read what they're uncomfortable with and find alternative solutions that make them feel more comfortable. I'm also pretty good at communicating my feelings. I'm in touch with my emotions, so I can express how something makes me feel when I want to. I have family members who are totally out of touch with their emotions and literally just avoid any conversation that might involve emotion that isn't anger. The Bad The problem is that I don't always want to tell someone how I'm feeling. I can be a bit petty. If someone pisses me off, I can really get my feathers ruffled without ever communicating that I'm angry. That makes it so that people don't have an opportunity to correct the situation or apologize because they don't even realized there's an issue. Sometimes people just pick up that I'm pissed off based on my mood because I tend to have wild mood swings. That makes communicating with me a guessing game sometimes. Am I upset with you? Am I moody about something else going on? Am I pissed off at someone else? Is my anxiety just acting up? It's the worst kind of board game.  The Ugly Grudges galore. I can hold a grudge longer than, like, anyone I know. And that's not a good thing. If someone does something that really bothers me, I basically get a mental block on that person. It's like no matter what they do from that point forward doesn't really matter because my brain has already blocked them. At the same time, there are other people who can do quite literally anything to me and I still won't accept that they've done something bad. I noticed this even in childhood. I would have a friend for years and they would do something relatively minor, like snub me on an invite somewhere one time. It was like every positive feeling I had ever had for them just disappeared all at once. Every good memory I'd ever had with them suddenly seemed tainted or ruined. I wouldn't be able to think of even one redeeming quality about the person. It was like my brain completely dismissed them on a human level. If I even heard the person's name, I would feel complete rage. And even if they apologized, it was too late. My brain had already decided that they were a terrible person all along. On the other hand, I'd have another friend for years who repeatedly put me in bad situations, verbally/physically fought with me nonstop, and was just generally problematic. But I wouldn't have the same reaction. I would even defend them to my family/our other friends. "Yeah, he did give me a black eye, but in his defense, I was really mouthing off." Those were friends who I couldn't accept anything bad about. I just refused to believe they had an ounce of bad within them, so anything bad they did, I had to pass off as a natural reaction to something else, even if it meant taking the blame for their negative actions. I later learned that this is called splitting and it's a symptom of borderline personality disorder, which I've been diagnosed with. When a person with BPD "splits" on another person, they get a "halo" or "horns" effect. That means that they see the person as only good or only bad. They're either perfect or they're evil, nothing in between. Once I learned about splitting, so many of my relationships throughout my life started to make sense. The Solution I don't really know the proper solution for the negative aspects of my communication. I still split on people a lot. Those who know me well here could probably name at least 2 people I've split white on. Split white is the one where someone is an angel to you no matter what they do.  One thing I've learned to do is not tell someone when I've split on them. Whether I've split white or split black, I don't actually want to tell someone, like, "Hey, I'm yours to do whatever you want with forever now.  " I've even split on people here on WDC. The rage thing goes away, just so you know. Even if I've split black on someone and I'm rage-filled about it for a while, that subsides. After that, the person is more just like an icky aftertaste. I don't think much about them, but if I run across them, there's just this tainted feeling even if I'm not angry or upset at all with them. In fact, I still care about a lot of people I've split black on. I don't want anything bad for them at all. It's just that I can't get myself back to where we were before the split.I've also tried fighting against the split. I've tried to hold people accountable, even when I've split white on them. I've also tried to open myself up to rekindling relationships with people I've split black on. I've tried slowly starting to paint someone white after I've split that way on them. Honestly, it's a work in progress. It hasn't worked fully so far, but I have been able to be more civil and rational. The bottomline is that I logically know that no one is all good or all bad. Humans are complex creatures. They make mistakes. I can say this with a clear, rational head. But when splitting happens, it's anything but rational. That's the part I'm still working on overcoming. It's really easy for someone I've split white to get back in my good graces after being kind of terrible, and it's really difficult for someone I've split black to get through the wall I put up. I don't know to what extent other people experience this because I've only known and understood my way of thinking forever. Anyone have a perspective to fill me in on? Communication breakdown, it's always the same Havin' a nervous breakdown, drive me insane |
Artist: Cage the Elephant Song: Take It or Leave It [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "JAFBG" : Some people are manipulative as fuck. What are the signs you're being manipulated? I'm pretty pissed off fucked off right now with manipulative people. I don't know if I just notice it more as I get older or if I've somehow suddenly surrounded myself with manipulative people, but regardless, they're here. I've been working on ways to tell when someone's manipulating you. Here's what I've come up with so far: Gaslighting. The narcissist's prayer on this one: "That didn't happen. And if it didn't happen, it wasn't as bad as you're acting. And if it was that bad, it's not a big deal. And if it is a big deal, then it's not my fault. And if it was my fault, I didn't mean to do it. And if I did mean to do it, you deserved it." Being overly impatient. Just constantly throwing things at you and knocking you off balance when you don't respond the correct way immediately. They make you feel stupid for taking time to think because they don't want you to think, and they use their temper to reinforce your self-doubt. "What do you want to do? Oh, you can't decide right now? Say something or I'm going to interpret you not responding in a negative way and make this decision on your behalf." Pretend joking. They're being a gigantic asshole and they know it, but they're gonna pretend they're just kidding and then if you get mad, you're gonna be the asshole. Watch: "I was JUST KIDDING when I asked if you were really going to eat a cookie for dessert in front of all our friends. Oh my god. You literally cannot take a joke. HAHA. You're so uptight. Woooow, I'm just messing with you. Learn to take a joke. Chill out. Jesus, you're no fun at all. Are you seriously mad right now?" The cold shoulder. You said something they disagreed with or confronted them about something that's bothering you. Because you've gone against them, they're going to withdraw their love. They're going to pretend you don't exist because their ego is incredibly fragile. It looks like this: ".............................................................." (3 days later after you've apologized many times for expressing your feelings) "............................................ What are you talking about? I wasn't even ignoring you." I'm the victim, always. Exactly what it sounds like. If you express concern over anything, they're going to pretend they're the victim and you're tormenting them because you're cruel. Like: "How could you call me out on pretending to joke around while simultaneously picking apart your weaknesses? I can't believe you're treating me like this when I'm just now getting over a common cold and haven't been sleeping well! *cue tears*" You talk, I'll judge. Instead of having ideas of their own, they wait until you state your opinion or viewpoint and then they pick it apart without ever actually having a horse in the race because they've not given their opinion. For example: "I asked for your input on this decision we need to make and you responded. Now, how could you possibly think that idea would be a plausible solution to this problem? Here are all the reasons why your suggestion is completely pointless." Professional word spinners. You say one thing and they take your words and completely twist them to fit their narrative about you being terrible. You ask them to take out the trash and it somehow escalates to: "You always say that I don't do anything! If I'm so completely worthless and too stupid to know when the trash should be taken out then why do you even act like you like me!?" Hot and cold. They push your buttons until you lash out and then they imply that you're overreacting. They've intentionally gotten under your skin using a topic and methodology they've learned from you, and then they 180 reverse with: "Oh, hey, it's no reason to get upset.  I was just saying. I'm not upset at all, why are you upset? You're the only one who's upset. I'm confused!  Do you want to go grab lunch?"Nice only sometimes. They're sickeningly sweet only when they want something from you and immediately after you've given them what they want. Any other time, they treat you lukewarm at best and they certainly won't be willing to do anything for you. Looks like: When they want something from you: "You were always such a good writer. Way better than me! Seriously thank you soooo much for agreeing to edit my resume. You're a lifesaver. I have no idea what I would do without you." Soon after doing the favor for them: Either no response to communication at all or just a very lukewarm response as though you're inconveniencing them by speaking to them, like, "Oh, um, hey... I've been fine. I haven't talked to you for 5 months because I've been busy, but I might need a favor soon, so...." That's all I've got for now.  Do you have any other ways to tell you're being manipulated??Sweet wheel of death keeps us holding our breath I step to the right, you move to the left |
Artist: Nirvana Song: Heart-Shaped Box [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "Invalid Item" : Prompt 3 - What do generations misunderstand about each other? Talk about your generation, the generation before you, and the generation after you. How were their experiences the same and how were they different? How do those different experiences shape our viewpoints? I was born in 1991, so my generation is the dreaded Millennials/Generation Y. That means I'm sandwiched between Generation X (1965-1979) and Gen Z (late 90s to 2010s). Baby Boomers narrowly escaped my ranting.  Juuuust kidding.I honestly don't think there's much of a difference between generations. Like, they're all raised under different conditions and thus have different experiences and perspectives, but they're all still humans. There are assholes in every generation and I'm not buying at all that younger generations are more whiny/entitled. I've worked in retail. Older generations bought into that whole "the customer is always right" thing way more than the younger generations did. People of all ages have the capacity to be dicks. There are some notable differences between generations though. For example, the generation after mine grew up entirely with electronics in the home and don't remember a pre-9/11 world. I think they're more used to government security and a lack of privacy. Because they grew up without a lot of privacy, I think they're not as protective of it as previous generations. In fact, most of them use public social media to account for all their thoughts and actions, which is something that previous generations couldn't conceive of doing (although many people from the older generations have picked up on it now and choose to do the same). When I was a kid, common families were starting to get personal computers in the home and mobile phones. I think my family got their first PC when I was 8 or 9 years old. By the time I turned 18 in 2009, everyday people were starting to walk around with little computers in their pockets. Obviously with wearable technology and tablets, technology has only become more and more pervasive. There's a big difference between the generation before me where you'd need to find a payphone to call back to your family's house phone when you were out and the generation after me where you can press a button on your watch and speak to a robot voice that will type out what you've said and send the message to your mom's watch. Generational differences are one of those things where everyone simultaneously claims that their generation had it worse but were somehow better. My generation is often accused of ruining things like tourism, the wedding industry, homeownership, and other things that we just straight up can't afford to participate in at the level of the generations before us. We've inherited an economic state where wage rates haven't even kept up with inflation. The cost of healthcare, student debt, and home prices have all increased at a higher rate than wage rates. Those things that other generations were able to do are just not feasible for my generation or Gen Z right below mine.The way each generation grows up is so unique and deeply part of their identity that I think people sometimes close their mind off to each other. Everyone thinks their way of doing things was the best or most pure way. The toys when you were a kid were the best toys. The music and movies were the best. The communication and connection with others was the best. The general day-to-day life was the best. It's nostalgia. We miss the times in our lives where we had less responsibility, less pessimism, and more time. Because we miss that, we can't imagine someone else feeling the same way about what we consider to be a completely different world. That's my take on generational differences, anyway. I think there are good and bad aspects to every decade. With rose-tinted glasses, we cherry pick the positives from our past and at the same time any of the negatives about the past were things our generation endured through excellent resilience and survival skills. She eyes me like a Pisces when I am weak I've been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks |
Artist: The Doors Song: People are Strange [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "Invalid Item" : Prompt 2 - What rites of passage have you experienced that you think everyone will experience at some point in their life? In other words, tell us about your notable experiences that are key to the human experience. I want to make sure I do the full first week of "Invalid Item" this month just to see how much it really is. I only have one more entry after this one and one review and we're barely into the 2nd day of the month, so I'm pretty confident that it's not very time-consuming at all. You never really know until you do something yourself. But I'm estimating that I'll spend maybe 2.5 hours doing the first week of the challenge, which is really nothing. And that includes commenting on everyone's written entries and Topic of the Week post. Not too bad.So, rites of passage. On this one, I was thinking of things that everyone must go through at some point. Here are some of the rites of passages I've experienced that I think everyone will experience if they live long enough.  Heartbreak.Have you even lived until you've metaphorically had your heart ripped out of your chest? At some point or another, everyone is going to experience unrequited love or a devastating breakup. It's not always some major dramatic thing. Sometimes it's a subtle, quiet thing that's just as painful, if not more so. Someone just slips between your fingers or something like that. It's definitely a rite of passage in life. Loss.People don't live forever. At some point, we'll all experience an absolutely gut-wrenching loss. Nothing is promised. That's why it's so important to be forthcoming with how you feel about people while you have time. Surprise failure.The worst kind of failure is surprise failure. You've planned everything out in your head, you've done everything right, and yet... Things aren't linear. At some point, you'll be fired or miss out on a promotion even though you've worked your ass off and done everything you were supposed to do. You'll realize that you don't want something or you've taken your life in the wrong direction. The formulaic life can only take you so far, you can't account for all variables. Surprise success.On the opposite end of the spectrum, sometimes life's nonlinear path will work in your favor and something amazing will just fall right into your lap. I know I've had it happen. A completely random event that turns out to be very much so in your favor. A matter of right place, right time. You're just minding your own business when an opportunity appears. You have to be ready to heed those chances. Existential crisis.Some of us will be in an existential crisis for our entire life, apparently. But even if you're not one of those types, you'll definitely have a time period where you're entirely unsure of your life's purpose and value. What am I doing? Why am I even here? Is this all there is to life? Am I making the right decisions? Is all of this pointless? I have zero advice to overcome an existential crisis, but I'm all ears if anyone else has advice for me. Prompt via "Blogging Circle of Friends " : What is something blogging has taught you about yourself? I like this prompt so I thought I'd drop a few lines here too. I've been blogging here for over 5 years and here are a couple things I've learned about myself:  I can write about anything.Sometimes I encounter a prompt and I just have no idea what to do with it. Blogging has taught me that if you take a minute to think imaginatively, you can come up with anything on any topic. Don't think in terms of "I have no experience with that so I can't write about it." That's not what writers should do. Sometimes I have to take a couple minutes to research something. Sometimes my entry isn't entirely stellar. But as long as I'm willing to put forward a bit of thought and effort, I can write on any topic. I can talk to anyone.Interaction is absolutely so important when you're blogging on WDC (or doing any type of writing). Look, best case scenario, you're going to comment on a bunch of people's entries and get maybe half of them to read your entries and comment on them as well. I've learned that even if I really disagree with someone's ideology or opinions, I can still communicate with them through our blogs. Especially if we're writing on the same prompt, I can start to see people's perspectives that I'd never have on my own. My best advice for anyone who wants more interaction on WDC is to 1) blog (which includes reading/commenting on other people's blogs and 2) review. Also, post your entries where they'll be visible to others. I can be pretty open.I've surprised myself in my ability to be honest and genuine in my blog. In real life, I have even more of a wall up than I do here. I think the fact that I can maintain a little bit of anonymity here helps me to be more open about my real life experiences. In practice, I don't go around telling people about my feelings or anything that's going on with me. That means a lot of people on WDC who might read my blog know more about my life than people who actually know me out in the world. Strange! People are strange when you're a stranger Faces look ugly when you're alone |
Artist: Brand New Song: Jesus Christ [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "Invalid Item" : Prompt 1 - Have you ever felt like you're missing out in life? Describe a time when you missed an experience that you believe would have been rewarding. What can we do to make sure we're not missing out on important life experiences? I actually never thought about this until I started university. Once I saw people who were 18 years old, living in the dorms with their parents supporting them, I got FOMO (fear of missing out) for the first time in my life. It made me start thinking about overarching things I'd missed out over the years. It wasn't just a matter of the people around me being younger than me, coming from more supportive families, it made me question everything. It made me think about where I grew up and all the opportunities I'd missed out on by growing up in a very rural area. I was more or less competing with people who'd had college classes and internships while they were still in high school. People whose high schools offered business classes like accounting and economics (which were most certainly not offered in my school, even if I'd not dropped out). The weirdest thing to me was how people didn't even seem to notice that they had this major advantage in life. They went to some of the best private prep schools in our state and just think that's standard. They're like, "Wait, so this is your first accounting class? " It took me a while to get over that feeling like I'd missed out on important experiences, like staying in a dorm room at 18 years old in college and graduating at 22. Like just going to class and drinking at night because you don't have to worry about paying bills or working. If you're someone who had that opportunity, that's awesome, but just know that you were privileged in that regard. Being kicked out of my house and having to leave school sophomore year of high school made it nearly impossible to get myself back into a position to go to university. Of course, that means I never had those traditional high school things like prom and graduation. See the rabbit-hole this all led me down? It became a lot of hey, I never got to do that and I only had one chance to do it. I don't even know anyone from high school at this point because I left halfway through and lost contact with everyone. I've overcome this FOMO for the most part though. I've realized that I also had a ton of experiences that other people will never experience. Not all of them were good, but all of them have made my life what it is. I've gotten myself back on my feet and I'm nearly graduated at this point, so it all works out in the end, I guess. I think having certain experiences would have helped my personal development and I think not having certain other experiences would have helped my personal development, but hopefully I'm a well-rounded enough person because of it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ In order to not miss out in life... I think there are a couple things we can do:  Say "yes" more frequently. Not everything in life is a major experience, but by turning down offers to do things all the time, you definitely limit your experiences overall. Even if it's something small (like joining a writing activity), I think we should just give things a go more often. Worst case scenario, you don't enjoy or complete whatever you've committed yourself to. Try not to compare yourself to others. This is the most difficult one for me. When I started university, I had such jaded feelings because of my history vs. other people's histories. That's totally the wrong way to look at situations. I should have looked at things in a more positive way because my other life experiences led me to make less mistakes, change my major less, and find something I enjoy. I also have my own advantages and privileges in life, so it's always good to recognize those. Also stay away from social media if you're the type of person who will look at other people's feeds and start feeling bad about what you're doing in your day-to-day life. Keep in mind that you're looking at other people's highlight reels. Seek out new experiences. Don't just wait until an experience comes along and commit to saying 'yes' to it. I mean, that's something you should consider doing, for sure, but opportunities don't always just fall into your lap. You also have to make an effort to experience things. Even if it's something small like taking a day trip somewhere, learning a new language, reading something outside of your usual genre, writing outside of your comfort zone, etc. you're still getting a new experience. Do you believe you're missing out? That everything good is happening somewhere else? |
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