%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
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A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 23:18 I decided to get the ironing out. The pile just keeps growing. It's not too bad, although I like to get it done during the day and watch dramas while I do so. It just feels different at night. Also, I need to be in bed but because of the ironing, I'll late. I don't think I'll be getting up early like I wanted to. What a shame. My routine is all out of whack these days. I don't like that. I haven't done any writing in over a week. In other news, my husband went to Pakistan at the beginning of July and he isn't to return for another few weeks. Surprisingly, I miss him. Just a little bit. It doesn't usually happen because...well, his being here is the same as his not not being here, if you catch my drift. But yes, I do miss him a bit. I phoned and tried to explain why I don't usually miss him and...I fell short. I always do. The language barrier between us rears its head every once in a while. Mostly, I can make myself understood in my mother tongue but finer details are not my forte. I tried to explain to him that he wasn't emotionally available and because I switch to English when I don't know the right word, I don't think he understood. Not that he doesn't understand English but...I'd say his English is at about the level of my understanding of our language. Strange, because he's studying law in PK and, from what I can understand, it's all in English. But yeah, we do not have conversations in English. We do half and half sometimes - he speaks our language while I speak English. Sometimes, I reply to him in English just out spite  I'm petty :( I'm off to bed...but maybe I'll watch a bit more of the drama I started today. Damn you, Netflix! 23:28 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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