%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
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A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 05:52 I can practically feel my eyesight getting worse, with the amount of time I spend on screens. I try not to do so in the dark but it doesn't appear to help much. I should have reminders pop up on the screen after every 20 seconds or so to blink. This is not good for anyone, but I feel very stupid considering I've had laser surgery done and my eyesight is slowly becoming poor again. Five years without spectacles. I don't wanna go back! I love being glasses-free! In my counselling course, we're supposed to be keeping journals and writing about...well, everything. I had hoped to use my blog for it but I don't think I write down my feelings or whatever issues I'm facing very often. So let's start. If I remember, I'll try to include a little segment in my entries about what went on in the classroom or anything else that comes to mind in relation to understanding myself. So this week, we had a bit of a personal development group. Several people were missing from the lesson and I find that when that happens, I'm more open. All throughout the lesson, I offered my opinion where I could - which my classmates pointed out in the PD group. Because I was sitting at the front, facing the teacher, with a standard classroom setting (table, with chairs around it, as opposed to the counselling classroom set up with no tables but chairs in a large circle), I was at the front table and had my back turned to the rest of the class so I wasn't that...conscious of them, I guess, when giving answers. But even when facing my classmates, I had no problem speaking up. In all honesty, I don't mind talking, but only when I feel I've something relevant to add. But frequently during the PD group, people started to talk about me - nothing bad. In fact, a lot of it was good - they said things like how they were a little pleasantly surprised that I'd offered my views on class. I didn't mind it - I had answers for their questions so I wasn't sat there, stiff as a board, every time they looked at me. But I think there was definitely a part of me which was wondering why they were so focused on me and whether they'd let it go and find something else to talk about. I could keep on about this topic but I need to go. Lucky! 06:07 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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