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 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
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A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 08:01 I haven't finished my assignment, which was due today. I have another due in two weeks which I haven't even made a start on. I am so close to finishing my story! I will do it all together once the story is finished, all being well. I'm nearly there - the climax has begun! I couldn't dedicate as much time as I'd have liked over the weekend, since I had training both days, otherwise I might well have been finished by now. I don't know what the next steps should be. I could just go over this draft and refine it, taking out errors but leaving the storyline as it is, or I could do as I usually do and rewrite the whole thing so it's more consistent, changing some things in the process. I want to be done with this story by the time NaNo starts so I'm thinking it would be quicker to just correct the errors and leave the storyline as it is. Plus, what usually happens when I redo the whole thing is that the characters change ever so slightly. They're more consistent but they lose some of their quirks, which is a damn shame because I pour my heart and soul into my characters and those quirks need to be in there. 08:12 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 06:56 I really am. Upon waking up in the morning, I look forward to writing. I think I'm definitely approaching the climax of the mermaid story. It's the second draft but I still feel it's a bit rough - more like a first draft. For NaNo, I can't remember what my previous plans were, but either I'll do the third draft of this story or I'll do draft number...4 for my main novel (or it might be 3.5 because I have a half novel in there somewhere). On my way home from training yesterday, I started writing a poem about my city, inspired by the feeling of relief whenever I come back from somewhere on the train and get out of the train station to see the familiar views of old Wakefield. I introduce myself as a writer and a poet nowadays. It's a good feeling! And with that, I'm going to cut my ten minutes short so I can get back to writing! :D 07:02 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 18:42 I forgot to update in the morning today. That was how much I was looking forward to getting my laptop on and writing! I love the feeling, but it sort of takes over everything. I had counselling training today. I was thinking about my story. Whenever I try to read anything, I'd rather write my own story. When watching Netflix as a bit of down time, I'd rather write. I have an assignment deadline on Monday but I'd rather write. I'm sitting here at my mum's, laptop-less, and it's killing me! I want to write!  In other news, I have to keep a reflective journal for my bereavement counselling training. Like yeah, it's not bad enough that I have to do one for my counselling course. Sheesh. So many reflections! I won't do it here though. I'm going now. I'm on my phone so typing is a chore! I'm going home now anyway. Finally, I can write! 18:49 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 06:12 It's pretty awesome when you're in the flow of doing something, right? The past two/three days, I've been writing the mermaid story like crazy. At the last word count yesterday before I shut down the laptop, I had 9800 odd words. The same document was open for either two or three days - I forget. If it was two days, that is so darn awesome! Google docs is a bit weird - it always opens up to that page when I turn my Chromebook on, so I just start writing. One of the reasons why I'm writing so well, I'm sure, is because I'm putting off my assignments again. But then again, writing is writing, whatever reason there is behind it. I'm thinking of putting this story up on Tapas when I'm done, since it is a romance and those are the types of stories that seem to thrive the most on there. Bit of reflecting now. Ugh, I'm coming to hate these segments. I should think about them before I sit down to write, rather than pulling an issue to talk about out of the ether. Hmm... Nope. I'll give it a miss for today. Out of time. :D 06:24 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 06:28 I'm really getting interested in the mermaid story now. I'm much more invested in it than I was the first time I wrote it. I slogged through it then, only continuing because it was NaNo and I didn't want to lose. As a result, I have been putting off writing my assignments. I have one due in four days! I will try to tackle a bit of it today though. For my counselling class reflection today, I will say that I am not very good at talking to people. I've gotten loads better since I got married but it's always hard, finding something to talk about. My husband's uncle came to visit him yesterday (he got back from Pakistan the day before) and his wife came along too. I was very aware of how awkward I was being by not starting up conversation with her. Eventually, I plucked up the nerve to ask about her pregnancy and when the baby's due, etc. Before that, I was thinking about whether she was in fact still pregnant (I'm kind of blind to these things) and how appropriate it would be to ask about it. I overthink things before I say something. I don't think it's such a bad thing - insofar as I do actually think before I say something (it depends on who I'm talking to, I guess) but mulling things over in one's head without actually engaging with others isn't that good of a quality to possess. 06:42 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 09:49 I usually start off my day by writing my blog but sometimes, I forget. I did manage to get my minimum amount of writing done though! Now I need to concentrate on doing my assignments. I have less than a week to finish one of them. I think I put them off, thinking it's going to be a big hassle, even though I really ought to know better. Even if it is a hassle - which it isn't, not always - it's much more of a hassle if left to the last minute. But anyway, that's boring. So in yesterday's encounter group in the counselling session, we were all told to go and reflect on what was said and write in our journals. My journal is woefully blank. I have been mentioning the odd incident or reflection on here, I think, but I don't think it will be enough. And I've been blogging for some months now so I would have to trawl through a hell of a lot of entries to find a tiny little sliver of the kind of information I'd need for my self-awareness assignment. To be honest, I'm not chilled out enough in class to share my thoughts openly. Maybe I ought to share that? But then they'd ask why and I don't really know the answer. Last week, I had a good session because not many people were there and I was drawn into conversation. This week, I didn't contribute much. In my defense, I was tired as hell and did actually fall mid-way into sleep in the encounter group. I have not had a good deal of sleep the past few nights, for various reasons. They talked about using humour as a cover-up for serious topics. One lady mentioned how she always felt that she had to respond to her son calling for her and she could never tell him to leave her alone for a bit despite him now being a teenager because of an incident when he was four. It was a humurous story on the surface - about a goldfish accidentally being placed in scalding water and the lady not coming to check what was going on because she was in the shower - but yeah, I suppose if you dig down, you could imagine the lady's distress at the time of the incident and wondering how to deal with the situation. I'm not like that with my son. I have imagination enough to envisage him doing something silly when I'm not around but I try not to give in and be overprotective because that's just going to make it worse, isn't it? He's little. He will learn if he does something silly. Of course, if there's real danger that's another story, but I'm quite consistent in keeping sharp things hidden and making sure everything is as child-proof as it can be before I have to leave him without supervision while I do my prayers or go to the bathroom. But he's three now so he has a pretty good idea of what he can and can't do. This entry went on forever! 10:04 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 06:28 It is certainly a load off, to know that one of them is done. I thought it would be the most difficult, because it was about counselling theory. Studying theory is always a bit dry so I had thought I'd struggle. But I did it! YES! I did a good amount of writing yesterday too, 3000+ words. That sorta made up for the two days I wrote abysmally. Hopefully, I can get about a thousand in before I head off to college. It's going good. I'm changing things about as I go along so there are lots of inconsistencies throughout and the storyline has changed a little bit from my first attempt, but that's to be expected. It's a lot smoother now...I think! And because I wasn't that keen on the original version which I wrote for NaNo last year but ploughed through it anyway, it doesn't have much plot. This time, I've expanded on that so there are no enormous chunks of text explaining what's happening without actually showing it. I'm confused as to what I should write for NaNo. It would have been this story which I'm writing now, probably. I might have mentioned this in a previous entry. I forget. But anyway, I'm thinking I'll do my main novel for November. The motivation of writing every day and then finishing before the month is up might help me to just get on with it, because I'm putting it off. Let's see how I do. 06:38 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 06:35 Although I try to get up for about half five, I don't usually have breakfast until about seven/half seven. But my son's woken a bit earlier today and I'd already been in the process of getting myself something to eat when he came to find me so I thought, why not? I didn't do any writing yesterday. I'll try a minimum of 2000 words to make up for it, though I'm not sure how I'll do since I've got assignments to crack on with too. They're a constant worry hovering over my head nowadays. I wish I was more academically gifted. I had the idea a while back to do a bit of journalling for counselling with my blog. I forgot all about it! So, here we go. I have college tomorrow. On the one hand, in contrast with my feelings of not wanting to go back after the holidays last week, I'm quite looking forward to it. It was a good lesson and I surprised myself by pitching in in class more than I usually do. But I'm conscious that that might have been because a few people were absent. I do better in small groups - I suppose there aren't as many people to worry about. On the other hand, I'd rather give my Tuesday over to something else. Something more productive. But I don't know what. It inspires me to actually go into class and get on with my work. I see how hard everyone else is trying - even if some of them are lazy blobs like me - and I feel guilty. As a Muslim, I am required to give everything that I do my absolute best. God gave me an opportunity and I shouldn't squander it. There are so many people out there who would love to be in my shoes, learning something they might get a decent career out of. I guess the advantages of going outweigh the disadvantages. Plus, I've kind of already paid all the fees so...yeah, I'm definitely going  06:54 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 09:15 I try to get to sleep on time nowadays, with varying degrees of success. Usually, I get about six and a half hours. My body will adjust...I hope, because it doesn't look like I'll be able to do much better. I've tried, but I can't seem to manage longer. However, when one's close friend is visiting and is spending the night, such frivolities as sleep are quickly thrown out the window. We watched several episodes from different series and then two movies before morning prayers started and I prayed and we went to sleep. She's still asleep but the children are not. They went to sleep bright and early and, as a result, they were up bright and early. My lone child is the noisiest! Running this way and that, thumping across the hallway, making noise here and there. My friend's daughters stayed asleep for a bit longer and her eldest son is still sleeping soundly through all this headache! I envy him! My son and I are not used to having people with us on a morning so even the slightest noise is enough to wake us. So here I am, after spending about an hour trying to get back to sleep. I'll have to make up the lost sleep somehow, but I'm going to visit my other friend today, to see her newborn baby, so I've no idea when that will happen. Time to do some writing! 09:25 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| 10:15 This entry was delayed a bit. After doing my morning prayers and reading a bit of the Qur'an, I usually get down to some writing business. Updating my blog completely slipped my mind today and I probably won't have the time to do so later, since I'm off to a "peace witness" at noon. And then at 2pm, there's a local poetry group I'm going to try out for the first time today! I'm excited! In the evening, my friend is coming to stay over and we're going together to see our other friend tomorrow, because she had a baby girl last week. The excitement! It's good to get out of the usual routine every once in a while, shake things up and have a good time. I am anticipating that my friend and I will not get to sleep until the wee hours of the morning, probably because we'll be binge-watching some series or other on Netflix XD I titled this entry as I have because assignments have been weighing on me quite a bit these past few days. But one of those assignments features some questions which are exactly the same as the questions I answered for a level three assignment from the year before (I'm currently studying a level 4 year two). So...I copied and pasted. I asked my classmates if they thought it was cheating but one lady said "it's your own stuff so you're not plagiarising or anything". That was all I needed! I've expanded on the answers - obviously, it being a level four, they would require more in-depth answers. But at this point, I'll take anything that'll help! So I'm nearly down one assignment. Ten million to go! I kid, I kid. There are only about four others, and for one of those, I have a pretty good understanding of what I need to do...I think. I hate writing assignments ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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