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 |  is paved with good intentions... |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hi, I'm Elle. I'm based in Auckland, New Zealand. I'm the mother of two young adults, the wife of an entrepreneurial gamer and the Queen of Unfinished Projects. This blog will contain poems, short stories, possibly photos and book reviews if you're lucky, and my thoughts on a variety of topics. Hope you enjoy it. |
Apparently the last time I did a reading recap was in June!  So here are the books I've read since then....  Safe and Sound by E M Lindsey The Husband Gambit by L A Witt (re-read) In Safe Arms by Ann Grech (re-read) Pack of Lies by Charlie Adhara A Purpose That Restores Us by Michele Notaro  Illumined Shadows by G R Lyons Surviving Death by G R Lyons The Last Eligible Billionaire by Pippa Grant The Alpha Contract by Eliot Grayson Line Drive by E M Lindsey Tamarillo Tart by Jay Hogan Flat Whites and Chocolate Fish by Jay Hogan Pinot & Pineapple Lumps by Jay Hogan A Date to Impress Him by Michele Notaro Kept in the Dark by H L Day (re-read) Notorious by Charlie Cochet and Macy Blake A Lady for a Duke by Alexis Hall Blade by R J Scott and V L Locey How I Stole the Princess’s White Knight and Turned Him to Villainy: Miracle 1 by A J Sherwood Alec by Kaje Harper Style of Love by A J Sherwood Hostile Takeover by Cara Dee Two Tribes by Fearne Hill Bully For Sale by Leta Blake Loathed: Lagan by Nora Phoenix Unexpected by Sloane Kennedy The Enforcer and His Heart by Kiki Clark Deceiving D’Vaire by Jessamyn Kingley Marked: Myron by Nora Phoenix This Old Sweater by Nicky James Lifeline by K C Wells Elise by Jackie Ivie Gargoyle Birthright by Jessamyn Kingley Listen by R J Scott Sworn Enemy by Kelly Fox How Much For the Whole Night? by R J Scott Faeted Under Fire by Cassidy K O’Connor and Sheri Lyn Baby and the Wolf by Victoria Sue Force by Kiki Burrelli Hunted by Reese Knightley Life According To Liam by V L Locey The Akseli by Dianne Duvall Metal Heart by Michelle Frost Mad Love by April Jade Wolf Scent by Isabel Dare Listen With Your Heart by Max Hudson Collateral Damage by Miski Harris Darkness Falls by Jamie Lynn Miller Fire and Ash by Sara Cate The Otter, the Tiger and Their Wolf Omega by Lorelei M Hart and Wendy Rathbone Gutter Grounds by Inge Mayhem (DNF @ 24%) |
Prompt: “If you think of exercise as a 60-minute commitment 3 times a week at the gym, you’re missing the point completely. If you think that going on a diet has something to do with nutrition, you don’t see the forest through the trees. It is a lifestyle. I know it sounds cliche, but you have to find things you love to do.” ~ Brett Hoebel ~ "Blogging Circle of Friends "  You may or may not know that I've been doing Weightwatchers for the last two years. As of this week, I've lost about 22kg (48lb). These two years have been...interesting. I haven't just been on a weight-loss journey, I've been on a journey of self-discovery. WW have asked members this week to post their 'why' on the WW chat board. Why are we doing WW? Why are we on a weight-loss journey? I've been trying to put my 'why' into thoughts and words for some time now, and so I shall use this prompt as motivation to finally get it written down. I have always thought I was overweight. I was nicknamed Ellenormous in primary school. It is only on my recent journey of self-discovery and reflection that I accepted that I was never fat (borne out by photos of me at that time) even if I was also never skinny. The sad truth is that someone thought the name was clever and never thought about the message it would send me. It was catchy and fun to say, so it caught on. It was never about my size. I grew up with diet culture, and my belief that I was overweight was constantly reinforced (albeit without malice) by the adults in my life.  I remember my dad encouraging me to go to aerobics with my mother in my teens. I remember my mother and I doing the 'bread diet' in my teens, where every second day you were only allowed to eat dry bread and water. I first joined WW in 2001, just three months after my first baby was born when I was 21 because my mother offered to pay my membership fees. I did lose some weight, but never enough to satisfy myself, and honestly we just didn't have the money for fresh fruits and vegetables and lean meats. I did the Atkins diet with my soon-to-be mother-in-law before my wedding in 2003, to drop a dress size to fit into my wedding dress. I did lose the weight, but I hated the diet and craved fresh fruit and carb. It wasn't only the adults in my life either. I remember my younger sister writing to the producers of the TV show Downsize Me asking them to consider me as a contestant because 'she was concerned about my children growing up without a mother'. I weighed about 80kg (176lb) at the time and would have been a NZ size 14-16 (US 10-12). I was not morbidly obese. Also, I was 28 and my children were 7 and 3. I would have had to die before I was 40 to leave my 'children to grow up without a mother', requiring some serious weight-related health issues (that I did not have). I would join WW twice more over the years, each time losing weight but never reaching my goal and always giving up and regaining the weight plus more. Online, when I was dieting, I always used Ellenormous as my username. I also tried pills and just 'healthy eating', but never got the results I wanted, and it never lasted. I gave up on the idea of losing weight, deciding to just be happy with who I was. But in October 2000, Steve asked for my support to help him lose weight. He has a bad back and is worried about his weight affecting his mobility later in life. I couldn't argue with that, especially when there is a history of old-age mobility issues in his family. Like him, I knew we achieved more when we worked together, so he signed up to the gym for a year and I signed up to WW for a year. With me managing the food side of things and him getting his exercise sorted, the way forward seemed clear. If I was going to do it for a year and pay the membership fees, I might as well do it properly, so I committed to it in my head and gave it my all. I started walking and I tracked everything. Interestingly, when I decided to start a new Instagram profile to document my journey, although I toyed with using Ellenormous as my username, I ended up breaking that streak and choosing 40tofabulous. It was the first step away from the old me. My mum joined shortly after I did, and it helped to have someone else to talk to and collaborate with on dishes. My initial success was empowering and motivating. Steve stopped going to the gym over the Christmas holidays and then never re-started. Usually when one of us falls off the wagon, we both do, but I was seeing such great results that I didn't want to stop...so I didn't. My mother-in-law signed up, and a friend of mine, and then my sister, and I started a FB messenger 'support group' where we would share thoughts, ideas and recipes. It was like a mini, personalised version of the WW forum. My mum had been telling me for some years that WW was a lifestyle, not a diet, but I had never understood what that meant. At some point on this particularly journey, I finally had a long-overdue epiphany and realised what that stupid catchphrase actually meant. It wasn't about losing weight to get to some defined goal and then going back to how things used to be. That's how you put the weight back on again. Rather, it's about recognising your bad habits, understanding where they stem from and addressing the causes as well as the habits themselves. It's also about establishing good habits and forming a pattern of healthy eating that can last for the rest of your life. Holy shit. It sounds so bloody obvious, but this was a major breakthrough for me. My bad habits were: emotional eating (both negative and positive emotions) portions too big eating when I wasn't hungry eating mindlessly (while distracted) too many processed foods, not enough fresh veges, etc. associating food with special occasions skipping breakfast making food decisions when I was hungry (i.e. not planning ahead).And more... I haven't tackled all of those bad habits in the last two years, that's for sure, but I've certainly tackled some of them. I don't eat mindlessly, I eat way more fresh vegetables, I focus on the occasion more than the food and I eat breakfast. Some of the ones I'm currently working on are my portion sizes and planning/prepping. Eating when I'm not hungry and emotional eating are two I haven't really made progress on yet. But it wasn't just about the food. Over the past two years: I have examined what things aid and detract from my mental health. These insights were, in large part, triggered by Covid19 and the lockdowns, but also by examining the root causes of my bad habits. I have thought a lot about who I was, who I am and who I want to be, aided by insight and support from buddhangela’s gone  . I have discovered my 'personal style' in terms of clothing and fashion. This has been hugely helped by Caitlin Taylor who is a stylist I follow on social media.I'm definitely still working on all of the above. I am discovering new insights all the time, and learning always. I mentioned Caitlin Taylor above, who is a personal stylist. I started listening to her podcast some time ago, and it led me to a number of insights that had nothing to do with my personal style but everything to do with mindset and culture. Things like the way people feel free to offer feedback on how other people look and what they choose to wear. The way we speak to our children about how they and others look. It was hugely thought-provoking for me. Then Caitlin started The Confidence Project on Patreon. I've never subscribed to Patreon before, even though I would love to support so many people (especially authors), but I couldn't resist this one. Each week she gives us food for thought and a homework task. The thought and action aren't always super-relevant to me, and that's fine. But quite early on in the process (I think it was the second week), she had us watch the Embrace documentary and wow. That was kind of mind blowing. Like, you can tell yourself for years that your size is irrelevant, that personality is more important than looks, and all of that, but it's hard to get it to soak into your soul. That's what Embrace did for me.After watching Embrace, I decided to stop pursuing the 'ideal' body. I had this goal in mind of the perfect body and that's what I'd get when I got to the goal weight that WW recommended. I'd be able to wear leggings and sports bras with my midriff showing, and I'd look amazing. But who was I kidding? Even if I got to my ideal weight, I wasn't going to have the body of someone who had never had kids, someone who had been airbrushed and photoshopped. It's bloody ridiculous. I have stretch marks. I have loose skin from being heavier than I am now (and that will only get worse as I lose more weight). Even before I had my first baby at 21, I never had a flat stomach or was able to comfortably wear a bikini - why did I think I would suddenly, magically, get that body when I reached my goal weight? It's absolutely ludicrous. So I had a good hard think about what I wanted. What did I want?  To be healthy (bearing in mind that I didn't have any health issues at my heaviest). To be able to go on long walks without getting out of breath or feeling exhausted. To be a positive influence on my family. To be in control (rather than at the mercy of long-standing habits). To be able to shop in regular sized clothing stores rather than plus sized stores.At my current weight, I have pretty much achieved the first three points. The third and fourth I'm still working on. Habits take a long time to change. As to the last point, I'm currently a NZ size 14-16. In March this year I weighed a bit less than I do now and fit a size 14, and I bought a bunch of clothes in that size, but then I regained some of the weight. So I set myself a goal to get back to a standard size 14, wherein I'd fit the clothes I own and I'd be able to shop in standard clothing stores. The goal weight I set for myself was 15kg (33lb) above the max dictated by my BMI for a healthy weight (which is what WW uses). But that's okay. This is my choice and my body and my life. So although I started this as a short-term thing to help my husband lose weight, it has had a huge impact on my life and my lifestyle. There is more activity, better mental health and less focus on food. And that's the life I want for myself. It's still a work in progress, but I can see the progress I've been making, and I'm feeling pretty good about the whole journey. |
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