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 |  is paved with good intentions... |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hi, I'm Elle. I'm based in Auckland, New Zealand. I'm the mother of two young adults, the wife of an entrepreneurial gamer and the Queen of Unfinished Projects. This blog will contain poems, short stories, possibly photos and book reviews if you're lucky, and my thoughts on a variety of topics. Hope you enjoy it. |
| I have so many entries I want to write, but they're not being written. And no, it's not writer's block. It's time. I am atrocious as managing time. It's getting worse. I don't know if that's because my brain latched on to the idea of ADHD as an excuse and so I tell myself 'It's okay that you're procrastinating, it's not your fault, it's the ADHD' and so on, or if it's not really getting worse, I'm just noticing it more because I'm aware of the ADHD. Or maybe it's neither of those things and it's just an accumulating of small things over time that have finally reared their heads as big problems because I didn't deal with them earlier. Hmm, that could be it.  Rhonda  first suggested to me that Jayden and I might have inattentive ADHD in 2019. Jayden wasn't assessed until mid-2021 and he first started meds in early 2022. He's no longer on the meds, but he seems to be coping for the most part with all the things he was finding so difficult before, so I haven't interfered. Truth is, he did a huge turnaround in 2022, and I'm so proud of him. But this post isn't about Jayden. It's about me. Both Jayden and my nephew have been assessed as ADHD in the last year or so. Now my sister is in the process of being referred for assessment. She says she doesn't want treatment because while her symptoms are annoying and frustrating to those around her, they don't prevent her from succeeding at the things she wants to succeed at (which is primarily being a stay-at-home mother to one child who is on the autism spectrum and has ADHD and another child who has Turner's Syndrome). She's being assessed so that her son will understand that he's not the odd one out, that Mummy has the same issues and that ADHD doesn't mean you can't live a happy, successful life. He thinks she's perfect and he's this hot mess (he's nine years old) and she wants to prove to him that what he sees as perfection is an adult happily living with ADHD. And I got to thinking about my reasons for not being assessed. When it became clear to me that I, like Jayden, had inattentive ADHD, it never occurred to me to have myself assessed. What would be the point? I don't need medication. I'm coping just fine with life. But I'm not coping. I'm really not. ADHD affects every aspect of your life. Here are some of the ways it has affected mine:  I have never managed to finish a degree even though I've started four. Yes, four. Medical Laboratory Science, Arts, Education and Communication. I have the intelligence to get a degree but not the ability to maintain study for that long. I do a job that is well below my intellectual capacity. Which means I'm constantly bored. I significantly underperform at work even though I could do this job with my eyes closed. My house is constantly messy and untidy, and we don't maintain the house to the degree that we should. The latter significantly affects resell value. I can't manage my own money. I have improved somewhat at this over the years thanks to strategies suggested by others, but it's still well below optimum. We should NOT be living pay to pay, but we are. All my friends drift away. It's normal for this to happen to some friendships, of course, but all of them? I am constantly starting new projects and very very rarely finishing any of them. Sometimes this means disappointing others who contributed to the projects I was working on. It affects my eating habits and therefore my weight, which I've struggled with my whole life.My biggest concern is work. My performance at work is sub-par and I feel like it's a snowball rolling down a hill, gathering size and momentum, and soon it's going to smash into everything in a huge avalanche that will see me in big trouble. I get on really well with my boss, but he doesn't know the extent of my issues. He is aware of some of them, but not others. I'm starting to get really stressed about it. Am I doing anything about it? No. It was my sole focus for this first week back at work - get the most important tasks up to date - and it's now Wednesday midday and I've done nothing towards that. I've done some other work, but nothing towards the things that are most urgent and the things that are stressing me out the most. It's ridiculous. It's stupid. It's.... It's fucking ADHD. I hate it. So I have arranged to have myself assessed, and yes, I am 100% open to trying meds. I need help. And if it can also help me with my finances, my friendships, my housework, my weight management and making progress on my various projects, that would be a bonus. I want to be me, but I want to be a more efficient, effective me. But at least I've stopped procrastinating and done something about it, hey? That's a win. I have forms to fill out. Caitie wants to be assessed too, so I arranged for both of us to be done at the same time. We went through the forms together last night. I had to stop before we were done, as I ran out of mental energy, but Caitie got all hers done. We did them in pencil so we can review them and discuss them with other pertinent stakeholders (Steve and my mum) before finalising them and giving them back to the psychologist. Assuming the assessment says what we expect it to - that I have inattentive ADHD and Caitie has classic ADHD - then we have appointments booked for 21 June (so far away, but it's earliest we could get) with a psychiatrist to discuss treatment options. In the meantime, I'm trying not to do nothing. While I was on holiday I created a 'life planner' using a ring binder and paper, because Dr Barkley suggests that paper is better than digital for people with ADHD. My sister found his videos on Tiktok and we both love him. I've bought his book 'Dealing with Adult ADHD'. I haven't started it yet, but I will. I hope it has some helpful strategies I can try. His videos are so good. When I contacted the psychologist about getting assessed, he sent me a Dr Barkley video to watch, which I'll embed below. I told him I'd bought Dr Barkley's book and he replied that I was obviously on the right track then. [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] So yeah. That's where I'm at. It'll be interesting to see what 2023 brings, won't it? Right now I need to get cracking on those work issues that I wanted to make progress on this week. Now, Elle, start doing that NOW. |
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