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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| On Thursday morning, the 28th of Tammuz, I entered the mikvah and completed my conversion. There was no way to write this on Thursday, because my brain afterwards was complete mush. I was asked three times what my birthday was before I even understood what they were saying. But, my brain is in mostly functioning order again, so I will give as many details as I can remember. I felt very numb coming out of the mikvah. I remember my Rebbetzin hugging me, but I couldn't actually feel the hug. It was a strange feeling. After getting dressed, my body started to tingle, and I felt her next hug and everyone else's hug. If you've ever put peppermint on your skin, you that is the closest that I can get to describing the feeling. It wasn't just my skin though, it was in insides, everywhere. I was blessed to have a group of friends there for me. It's funny to think back on the day that I was sure I was going to do this alone. I was fine with the thought of going through it all alone. (Dumb thought by the way). Now, I am so grateful that I wasn't alone. Five wonderful women were there to support me and to congratulate me and to welcome me to the tribe. One of my friends filmed the Rabbis going through the official paperwork, signing it with my new name, and going through prayers. I'm glad that I had told my Rebbetzin my name the day before, because if they had asked me then, I don't know if I could have understood what they said. I said my first blessing on wine and on a piece of cake. A Rabbi told me to say the blessing on the wine, because, like I said, my brain was mush, and I was just holding the cup looking at it. Someone handed me a siddur and I said the after blessing. I was told that I got to say the Shacharit prayer again. They were headed upstairs to do it, however, I was whisked away to the Rebbetzin's house for coffee (ice water for me) and cake. I prayed the moment I got home. Actually, it wasn't the moment I got home, because I was given a mezuzah to put up on my doorway. It isn't there permanently, and I didn't get to say a blessing on it, but because I rent, and still need more for my home, I have 30 days to get permanent ones to put up. I will be getting the mezuzahs in a couple of weeks from a family that is moving to Israel. I've been waiting so long to put up mezuzahs in my home. I am so happy to have pictures to commemorate me putting up my first one, even if it is up temporary. Praying the Shacharit was a very emotional experience. Saying the schema was overwhelming. I hope that I continue to feel like I have these past two years when I prayed it, and especially feeling the privilege of doing so as a Jew. My body continued to tingle for a few days. Even now, I still have moments where I can feel the tingle inside. I took a very short nap, and then I met with GZ briefly before going to dinner with a friend from my shul to celebrate. My brain was still mush, and it took twice as long to drive to the place because I couldn't figure out how to navigate traffic. Other converts have told me that the world looks brighter and more colorful after the mikvah. I can agree, but there is a different vibe to everything. It is like I can feel the earth's frequency that I never noticed before. Everything seemed to have more definition, detail, and substance. For a lack of a better way of describing everything, it seemed more real. New. Even the oldest and tallest trees looked brand new like they were just created. My friend had offered to help me toivel some dishes that I had in the car, but my brain was mush and a huge storm was coming in. I thanked her, hugged her, and headed home. It started raining a little before I made it home, but it was the lighting that really got me. I have never seen lighting so defined before. I have seen lighting that was cool, but never so real. I, somehow, remembered the blessing in English and said it after seeing the lightening. Then I apologized to G-d in case I got it mixed up with the thunder. Almost on cue it thundered. I said that blessing, and apologized again if I got them backwards. I checked when I got home. I was correct. I felt wide awake when I got home, but I knew I needed to go to bed. Praying the bedtime prayer was just as an emotional experience as the schema during the morning prayer was earlier. I had to stop during parts of it just to have a conversation with my creator before continuing. Forty minutes later, I put my head on my pillow and fell right to sleep. I was smiling. I woke up early Friday morning and started laundry. I needed to get it all done before Shabbat started and before nightfall since the nine days started at sundown. My Rabbi called and offered to quickly teach me how to toivel pans so I could have pans for the next week. I spent a bit of time toiveling what I would need for the next week out of the things I had bought for my new kosher kitchen. I came home, put them all on the counter (my cabinets are not all lined yet), and prepared for Shabbat. My body still tingled. I threw clothes on the floor and stepped on them after taking them out of the dryer. Nine days thing. I took a short nap. Okay, I passed out accidentally for an hour. I door dashed an order from the grocery store so I would have food in the house (I still had nothing at that point since I had gotten rid of everything that was opened or in my refrigerator or freezer). I mopped the floor, made sure lights were on, tape on the refrigerator, cleaned the shower door, made my bed, changed my clothes, and left to the Rabbi's for a celebration dinner. A lot of my favorite people were there. I was only missing a couple that were out of town, and the rest of the Rabbis. It was the best Shabbat dinner that I have ever had. There was so much laughter and happiness. It was great. There is so much more to say, but it is almost midnight, I need to get up for work in the morning, and it has already taken me days to get this much out. More to come, but I'll end with this: I am a Jew. |
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