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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| Before I converted, all of the open food I had in my house was technically not kosher, because it was used my me, a non-Jew. I had to get rid of all of my open food. I knew that once I got out of the mikvah, I wouldn't have any food to eat or any dishes to eat it on. My friend gave me disposable plates, bowls, cups, and silverware to use until I could replace the dishes in my kitchen. I figured that I could get prepared food from kosher restaurants and have bagels and sandwiches. I had a Lev Haolam box arrive a couple of days before my mikvah date. I decided not to open it at all and to wait until after my conversion. That way, I could eat any food (which there usually is something) that came inside the box. I was worried about going to the mikvah during the three weeks. This is a time of mourning, and there was nothing sad about going to the mikvah. I knew that Hashem didn't bring me that far and through that much to abandon me, but there was so many things that were beyond my control, and that was hard for me. I was assured that the timing of my mikvah was full of good signs. I, of course, believed my Rabbi. The night of the mikvah, when I got hungry, I opened the box to find something, even a bag of peanuts would have been perfect. Attached is a photo of the box right after I opened it. I cried. Then I ate some delicious Maple Pecan Cookies.  |
| When I was in the mikvah, I had to touch the bottom with my toes. I'm a bit short. When I went to dunk the first couple of times, I didn't go under. I was told not to hold onto any part of my body. That meant I couldn't plug my nose, hold my hair, or cross my arms across my chest (all normal things when you're dunking). I closed my eyes and used my arms to help me go down. With my eyes closed, could see my arms moving. I looked at the wall and around me while under water, all with my eyes closed. I don't know how it's possible, but it happened. When I came out of the water, I rubbed the water off my face and off eyelids before I opened them. The second time I emerged, I heard the Rabbis say that I was good and heard them walk out. I've heard of strange stories about the mikvah, but they are the type of things that I try to rationalize or just thought was embellished. Even knowing that I was wrong to question the validity of the stories I heard, I still question my own experience. It's been a week and I still can smell and taste the water. Parts of body still tingle at times. My community calls me by my Hebrew name. I really like hearing it. I even have had the opportunity to introduce myself to someone new using my Hebrew name. It was exciting, but also felt natural. Not everyone gets a chance to become a new person, but I did. I still feel like me, just more me. |
| On Thursday morning, the 28th of Tammuz, I entered the mikvah and completed my conversion. There was no way to write this on Thursday, because my brain afterwards was complete mush. I was asked three times what my birthday was before I even understood what they were saying. But, my brain is in mostly functioning order again, so I will give as many details as I can remember. I felt very numb coming out of the mikvah. I remember my Rebbetzin hugging me, but I couldn't actually feel the hug. It was a strange feeling. After getting dressed, my body started to tingle, and I felt her next hug and everyone else's hug. If you've ever put peppermint on your skin, you that is the closest that I can get to describing the feeling. It wasn't just my skin though, it was in insides, everywhere. I was blessed to have a group of friends there for me. It's funny to think back on the day that I was sure I was going to do this alone. I was fine with the thought of going through it all alone. (Dumb thought by the way). Now, I am so grateful that I wasn't alone. Five wonderful women were there to support me and to congratulate me and to welcome me to the tribe. One of my friends filmed the Rabbis going through the official paperwork, signing it with my new name, and going through prayers. I'm glad that I had told my Rebbetzin my name the day before, because if they had asked me then, I don't know if I could have understood what they said. I said my first blessing on wine and on a piece of cake. A Rabbi told me to say the blessing on the wine, because, like I said, my brain was mush, and I was just holding the cup looking at it. Someone handed me a siddur and I said the after blessing. I was told that I got to say the Shacharit prayer again. They were headed upstairs to do it, however, I was whisked away to the Rebbetzin's house for coffee (ice water for me) and cake. I prayed the moment I got home. Actually, it wasn't the moment I got home, because I was given a mezuzah to put up on my doorway. It isn't there permanently, and I didn't get to say a blessing on it, but because I rent, and still need more for my home, I have 30 days to get permanent ones to put up. I will be getting the mezuzahs in a couple of weeks from a family that is moving to Israel. I've been waiting so long to put up mezuzahs in my home. I am so happy to have pictures to commemorate me putting up my first one, even if it is up temporary. Praying the Shacharit was a very emotional experience. Saying the schema was overwhelming. I hope that I continue to feel like I have these past two years when I prayed it, and especially feeling the privilege of doing so as a Jew. My body continued to tingle for a few days. Even now, I still have moments where I can feel the tingle inside. I took a very short nap, and then I met with GZ briefly before going to dinner with a friend from my shul to celebrate. My brain was still mush, and it took twice as long to drive to the place because I couldn't figure out how to navigate traffic. Other converts have told me that the world looks brighter and more colorful after the mikvah. I can agree, but there is a different vibe to everything. It is like I can feel the earth's frequency that I never noticed before. Everything seemed to have more definition, detail, and substance. For a lack of a better way of describing everything, it seemed more real. New. Even the oldest and tallest trees looked brand new like they were just created. My friend had offered to help me toivel some dishes that I had in the car, but my brain was mush and a huge storm was coming in. I thanked her, hugged her, and headed home. It started raining a little before I made it home, but it was the lighting that really got me. I have never seen lighting so defined before. I have seen lighting that was cool, but never so real. I, somehow, remembered the blessing in English and said it after seeing the lightening. Then I apologized to G-d in case I got it mixed up with the thunder. Almost on cue it thundered. I said that blessing, and apologized again if I got them backwards. I checked when I got home. I was correct. I felt wide awake when I got home, but I knew I needed to go to bed. Praying the bedtime prayer was just as an emotional experience as the schema during the morning prayer was earlier. I had to stop during parts of it just to have a conversation with my creator before continuing. Forty minutes later, I put my head on my pillow and fell right to sleep. I was smiling. I woke up early Friday morning and started laundry. I needed to get it all done before Shabbat started and before nightfall since the nine days started at sundown. My Rabbi called and offered to quickly teach me how to toivel pans so I could have pans for the next week. I spent a bit of time toiveling what I would need for the next week out of the things I had bought for my new kosher kitchen. I came home, put them all on the counter (my cabinets are not all lined yet), and prepared for Shabbat. My body still tingled. I threw clothes on the floor and stepped on them after taking them out of the dryer. Nine days thing. I took a short nap. Okay, I passed out accidentally for an hour. I door dashed an order from the grocery store so I would have food in the house (I still had nothing at that point since I had gotten rid of everything that was opened or in my refrigerator or freezer). I mopped the floor, made sure lights were on, tape on the refrigerator, cleaned the shower door, made my bed, changed my clothes, and left to the Rabbi's for a celebration dinner. A lot of my favorite people were there. I was only missing a couple that were out of town, and the rest of the Rabbis. It was the best Shabbat dinner that I have ever had. There was so much laughter and happiness. It was great. There is so much more to say, but it is almost midnight, I need to get up for work in the morning, and it has already taken me days to get this much out. More to come, but I'll end with this: I am a Jew. |
| Mr. S came and koshered my kitchen on Sunday. He spent hours koshering the counters, stove, and different items. I spent the rest of the day washing out the fridge. My kitchen is now kosher, however, I have not gone to the mikvah yet. This means that I cannot use my kitchen until I go to the mikvah. I only have a few bottles of water in my fridge. I have nothing in my cupboards. I still need to line my kitchen cupboards, and plan on doing that this week. My mikvah date is Thursday B"H. My friend H who fed me today, will feed me tomorrow, studied with me and helped me learn through this entire process, asked me if I thought about all of the lasts that I am experiencing before being a Jew; the last Shabbos, the last Havdalah, the last Tehillim meeting, the last Monday, the last time that I will be me before being a new person. The truth is that I have not thought about it at all. I have thought about being able to cook and all the food being kosher even though I cooked it. I have thought about being called by my Hebrew name in shul. I've thought about the first Shabbos when I am a Jew. I thought about wearing a shield of David. I've thought about shaking the lulav and esrog. And mostly, I've thought about Simchat Torah and can't wait for that day as a Jew. I haven't thought about what I'm leaving behind, because I know what I'm gaining, and it is wonderful. Thank you Hashem. |
| Tomorrow, my kitchen will be koshered. I have almost no dishes and my cupboards and fridge are empty. I will not be able to use my kitchen until the mikvah. My friend B offered to let me use her kitchen and she would turn on the stove for me. I'm hoping that there isn't a long time between my kitchen being koshered and going to the mikvah. I will get tired of eating out, and imposing on others (even when offered) will get to be a burden for them and I'll feel bad. For some reason, I thought koshering my kitchen came after the mikvah, not that things have happened the way I thought they would. Life hasn't gone exactly (or at all) like I thought it would. My life is weird. G-d, I still trust you and love you. |
| I just want to say that I'm thankful that the Rabbi who smiles is still doing lessons with me. That's it for today. I'm just thankful. |
| I know it has been a couple weeks since I have updated my journey. Now that I am back and on the verge of going into the mikvah, there is so much work to do, on top of working (summer school) and still learning. I had a short freak out week when I returned from Utah. I'm not sure why, but I did. I quickly got over it, and started making a plan of what I needed to do to prepare for the mikvah. So much of my journey it seems is in my kitchen. I will be going to the mikvah soon, so I am working to prepare. I have been using my old dishes and just separated them to be meat, dairy, and parve for practice. Now, it is time to get new dishes and put them aside for when I go into the mikvah so they can be toiveled (put in the dish mikvah) before I use them. I need to wash out my cupboards, and then line them before putting the new dishes in them. Most of my cupboards are bare at the moment. I need to get rid of all of my open food, clean out my fridge and freezer, and clean it well with bleach. This means eating out or prepackaged food for the time that I don't use my fridge. I gave away all my opened foods that I couldn't finish before the mikvah, and am eating from what I have left. This can only last a couple more days before I need to finish cleaning the rest of the kitchen. I talked to the guy I'm renting from, and he told me what the countertops are made of and how they can be koshered. My Rabbi will be coming with someone to kosher my kitchen. My Rabbi is finding someone to make the mezuzah scrolls for my doorways. They will need to be put up as well. It's a busy summer, and I'm excited more and more each day for this next chapter in my life. |
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