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Experiences and thoughts based on my everyday life |
| This book will contain my daily thoughts. |
| Rick made it to upstate New York, safe and sound. I was relieved to get the "We've landed" text. I spent the entire day doing everything I could to veg out. I spent entirely too much time watching videos on Facebook. I also watched a new true crime series called "Toxic". The presenter is Elizabeth Chambers, who was a well respected investigative journalist here in Los Angeles. She was also a victim of abuse at the hands of the actor, Armie Hammer. It is a VERY good show, told from the perspectives of the victims themselves, investigators, and family and friends. So far, most of the women featured in the stories survived abuse and brutal attacks, and the outcome of trials are included. Sometimes, justice is blind. But there were triumphant conclusions. I will likely continue watching later. Today is my last full day here at the Canyon House. Later this afternoon, I will clean the house, and start packing up. Tomorrow, I will just have to throw the bedding in the washer and pack up my refrigerated food. Ben will drive me home. Then I am back at the apartment, hopefully for at least a few weeks. If Ben needs us again, I won't turn him down, but I am hoping for a break. Rick has had a couple of well paying gigs, with another on the horizon. I would love to have the space to work on my own crafty projects, and my reselling. Rick is texting pictures of their adventures at an ice cream parlor, and just now, a farm, where there are donkeys, mini horses, baby goats, and bunnies. I know he is just trying to include me by sending pics, but it just makes me feel more isolated. I am keeping my feelings to myself. I feel like with his kids entering adulthood and doing their own thing, I am never going to really develop relationships with them. It sucks to feel like you just don't fit in with a family. And never will. Whenever I bring up not being included, he says things akin to, "Well, I want to spend as much time with them as possible before they fly the coop." Cool. I will just be over here, by myself. If I am being honest, it hurts a lot. I try to not compare my relationship with my own adult daughter to the relationships he has with his kids, but it is tough. My relationship with Zoe is virtually nonexistent. I rarely get replies to texts. I have not seen her since the day after Thanksgiving 2023. There have been numerous invitations extended, and every single time, they beg off, saying her boyfriend has work. I know she is dealing with SEVERE anxiety and does not leave the house much. When we do manage to have a conversation, it goes well, and then I just don't hear from her again. We have had long talks about her life growing up, and while I was never a perfect mother, she has never once complained about anything I ever did or said to cause the silence. Life was been entirely unfair to her. Father not involved in her life, I had to rely on my parents and brother to help me raise her. She traveled all over the United States with my parents, and even went to Tokyo with my brother. But times were tough. I sometimes worked three jobs to put food on the table, and she was with my parents a lot. Everything came crashing down in 2017. First, my dad died. Her only grandfather. Then eighteen months later, my grandmother, her great grandmother died. Then just SEVEN days later, my mom passed. Her only grandmother. No one experiencing that depth of grief would come out unscathed. I don't feel guilt about the grief, because there was nothing I could do to change that. But man. I tried to get her help. Took her to a therapist, but Zoe simply refused to speak. The therapist tried and tried. Multiple appointments. Zoe would go mute. So the therapist ceased further appointments. I feel like I lost her, too. I have my middle brother now, and that is it. My father's brothers and sisters, who SWORE they'd step in to try to fill the void, went silent years ago. When I tried to connect with them again, I was met with excuses and silence. Even when I was in desperate need of help, they turned their backs on me. I never asked for financial assistance. Just guidance. They tried to throw money at me, and I refused it. I just needed a little care. I feel very alone in terms of family. |
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