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Experiences and thoughts based on my everyday life |
| This book will contain my daily thoughts. |
| I have been in my head for the past few days. I am really having to watch my emotions and reactions to things happening around me. I sense that Rick seems a little annoyed with me. When I sense things like this, I have a habit of drawing inward. I blame it on being a Cancer. If there's a hint of trouble, I pull myself into my shell. There is a lot of silence. And in that silence, that feels cavernous at times, a lot could be inferred. I was diagnosed a year and a half ago with borderline personality traits. Not the full blown disorder, because I do not have angry outbursts that are typical with BPD. I turn it inward. So lately, the quiet has been deafening. I know he's stressed with projects he's working on for his former employer, and also side work for another firm that makes animatronic characters for Disney. Most of that work is done at home. Rick spends HOURS at his desk working, with various political podcasts playing. If I am in the room, working or watching tv, he will use ear buds. If I interrupt to tell him something, he has to stop to pause his podcast, and then I feel bad for him having to pause it. So I try to keep it brief. I am learning to just keep most things to myself. If I bring up ANY worry about politics, he has this habit of shutting me down and will say, "Cutie, bad things happen, and will continue to happen everyday. There's no use talking about it." The other day, I saw a story about the new Pope's brother and I brought it up to him. he said, "I don't care about the Pope's brother. There's too much going on to worry about other people." I felt rejected. Everytime something like that is said, I find myself drawing inward. Making myself small. Being more and more quiet. The borderline rears it's head. I start an inner monologue. I go through everything I have said and done recently, nitpicking every little detail. Rick never complains. Like EVER. And even if he did, it would be constructive, and we would discuss. But nevertheless, I persist in my arguments with myself. Creating issues in my head, where I am always at fault. I talked to my therapist on Wednesday morning. I brought everything up about being upset about everyone but me going to New York for his daughter's graduation. Even the issues I have been having lately. She broke it down. It's common for people with borderline traits and complex PTSD to have major abandonment issues. She was positive that this is a part of what I was feeling. My hour long session ended and I went to my computer and sat down to do a little work. But my Wednesday chemo dose started to affect me. I was suddenly so exhausted I could hardly keep my eyes open. Just then, Rick's phone went off. His side job needed him to puppeteer a character at an influencer event, like IMMEDIATELY. I asked how long he'd be gone? Until 11:30 that night. Twelve hours plus, alone. On a chemo day. Usually on meds day, Rick is ever present to help me if needed. Of course, he cannot turn work down. But that abandonment issue roared. I was in bed as he got ready to leave. I mentally started thinking up my back up plans to care for myself in his absence. I knew as the day wore on, it would become harder and harder to get or do what would be needed, so I tried to gather anything I might need, and put it close to me in our room. I closed the bedroom door and got into bed, already dozing as he kissed my forehead and left to go to work. Yesterday, he, again, sat at his computer all day. I noticed that when he took breaks, he would still sit at the computer playing games. I made dinner and excitedly told him that there was a new episode of Criminal Minds. He said, "Cool. I will watch it with you." So I started the show. We got through half of the show, and he asked me to pause it so he could go to the bathroom. After I few minutes, I could hear him talking to someone on the phone. I could hear his sister's voice. I sat there trying very hard not to eavesdrop, even though he was all of ten or eleven feet from me in the bedroom, with the door open. A couple of key phrases I happened to catch- "depressed due to boredom", and then, "it's just the two of us, all the time. She never wants to go anywhere." That forced me to snap out of tuning into his conversation. I went to my phone and started playing videos. It helped. After an hour, he finally got off the phone, and instead of coming back to sit with me and finish the episode, he went back to his computer, and was also going through Facebook. I gave up and finished the episode alone. I felt kind of invisible. I feel like an annoying roommate. |
| On Friday, we head back over to Rick's friend Ben's place to house and dog sit for about ten days. There is a lot of preparation here, as I hate to forget anything important. One the 21st, my fiance's mother flies in from Sacramento for one afternoon/evening, then she and Rick fly to New York on Thursday to spend a long weekend seeing Rick's daughter, Scarlet graduate from Bard. I have to stay behind due to not having a Real ID, which is needed for flying now, and also a lack of funds. I can't lie, I am feeling a little left out. It's not anyone's doing, it's merely circumstantial, but I am in my feelings about it. I have one full day alone at Ben's house, then he returns on Saturday afternoon, and will bring me home to the apartment. I will be here at the apartment solo for a few days. Most people would relish that time, but I am an anxious disabled girlie who is quite clumsy. Being in my shoes, I think anyone would be a bit nervous. I have recently had a nearly disastrous fall in the tub, and I am very fortunate that all that happened was a possibly chipped bone in my elbow. I have spent many nights since the fall in pain. I need to go to the doctor, but due to insurance issues, I have lost all of my doctors because of failed contract negotiations. Rick made me promise to not take baths unless he is home, so he can help if something goes wrong. After having my life flash before my eyes as I was falling, I will have no problems adhering to this rule. That was a very scary experience that I do not wish to relive. I think that the time apart will give me the opportunity to focus on writing, and also my reselling business. The latter option has seen me working long days to keep it functioning at peak levels. Eight hours at my computer daily. Yesterday, I skipped lunch to focus on the reselling. Okay, getting ready to go into therapy, then it's time to take the chemo meds for my rheumatoid arthritis. Super fun. Wednesdays are tough for me, and frankly so are Thursdays, as one day I am dealing with the effects of the meds, and the next, I am recovering from those effects. Please forgive me if that sounds like complaining, as my life would be far more unbearable without these meds. |
| I am in a mood. If you had asked me if I was in a mood an hour ago, I would have given you a quizzical look and asked, "No, why?". I had just checked on the carrot cake that I had put in the oven and I sat down to peruse my social media accounts. I noticed that there was yet again, another video up on Instagram from a creature engineering firm that Rick has worked with, featuring a character Rick worked on. Clips of this particular character out and about in public are EVERYWHERE right now, so I reposted the video on my Instagram stories and noted that Rick would be puppeteering him next week. My timer on the oven went off, so I was tending to that, but I noticed my phone was going off. I checked the cake and put it back in the oven, and came back into the living room to check the notifications on my phone. There were like a dozen texts from Rick. "What did you post on Instagram?" "Did you post that pic I took?" I texted back, "What are you talking about? I just RE-posted a video about the character. A public video. What's the problem?" Then I get an Instagram message from the character engineering firms BOSS. "YOU HAVE VIOLATED RICK'S NDA. TAKE THIS POST DOWN IMMEDIATELY!" I text Rick, who is at the movies with his son. His boss is blowing his phone up. I tell Rick that I will message the boss and apologize and tell him that I was not aware that I was not allowed to REPOST a video that is ALLLLLLLLL over social media right now. I had no idea that Rick even had an NDA. I know he has in the past, and he is always very careful to not share too much about what he does there, usually until AFTER the project is completed. So Rick and I are both a little baffled about why reposting the video is SUCH a huge deal that the CEO would message me with a threatening tone... Maybe it was the blurb I included about him puppeteering the character? I am not sure. But what I do know is now Rick is in deep s*** because of me. And I am not entirely sure that the CEO isn't going to threaten legal action. I just cost Rick one of two sources of income we have. All over a video on Instagram that was up a total of MAYBE ten minutes, that even if it had stayed up, a grand total of MAYBE twenty people would've seen. Nonetheless, I am feeling mighty stupid right now. |
| I am having a hard time finding the words today. There is SO MUCH happening in the world right now, and I am truly running on empty energetically. I woke this morning, fully prepared to hop into reselling work. I tidied the living room and my desk, put my "Mellow Mood" playlist on Spotify on, and sat down to get started. I was trying to get to work when suddenly, there was an aggressive knock at the door, along with the ancient doorbell going off simultaneously. I hesitated. There has been a lot of ICE activity nearby, and I feared that they had made their way to our apartment complex. My heart was racing, and I mentally prepared to take on a government agent, steeling myself for an argument. But in a split second, I remembered that we live in a secure building, and they would not be able to get in here without being LET in. I took a breath and opened the door, but just a crack, and said, "Yes"? to the man standing on my welcome mat. He was a rough looking gentleman, blue collar worker type. He said, "I am just letting everyone know that there's an emergency and we are shutting the water off for a bit." I nodded and said, "Okay", and then shut the door. I took a breath and sat in the feeling. I suffer from complex PTSD after decades of mistreatment at the hands of people I loved, and it has caused a ripple effect that renders me paralyzed whenever I perceive a threat. This current administration is wreaking havoc on my mental health, and I feel like I am in a constant state of heartbreak, or fight or flight. It's ALL bad news. All of the time. Just when you think it can't get worse, ten more terrible things happen. I try to check out when it comes to anything political happening, but the news is delivered to me on every single platform that I engage in. I am trying to throw myself into working, and finding the time to work on creative projects to get my mind into a space free of all of the s*** happening. But I am stuck. I am trying so hard right now to not throw in the towel and go back to bed. There is much to be done. But I simply do not have the chutzpah to get it completed. All that I have managed to do is give my fiancé a hair cut, eat a leftover cheeseburger and watch an episode of a sitcom called Spaced. Well, and I wrote this blithering entry. I am going to try very hard to salvage whatever is left of this day and actually get a little work done. Gonna turn my phone onto the Do Not Disturb setting and dig in. I hope you all have a good week, whatever "good" means to you. |
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