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Carrion Luggage  Native to the Americas, the turkey vulture (Cathartes aura) travels widely in search of sustenance. While usually foraging alone, it relies on other individuals of its species for companionship and mutual protection. Sometimes misunderstood, sometimes feared, sometimes shunned, it nevertheless performs an important role in the ecosystem. This scavenger bird is a marvel of efficiency. Rather than expend energy flapping its wings, it instead locates uplifting columns of air, and spirals within them in order to glide to greater heights. This behavior has been mistaken for opportunism, interpreted as if it is circling doomed terrestrial animals destined to be its next meal. In truth, the vulture takes advantage of these thermals to gain the altitude needed glide longer distances, flying not out of necessity, but for the joy of it. It also avoids the exertion necessary to capture live prey, preferring instead to feast upon that which is already dead. In this behavior, it resembles many humans. It is not what most of us would consider to be a pretty bird. While its habits are often off-putting, or even disgusting, to members of more fastidious species, the turkey vulture helps to keep the environment from being clogged with detritus. Hence its Latin binomial, which translates to English as "golden purifier." I rarely know where the winds will take me next, or what I might find there. The journey is the destination. |
| After my recent coverage of divisive issues, it's time to get back to light, humorous fare, like this Bon AppĂ©tit article that... oh. Oh, my. What Is a Scooped Bagel? For Starters, Controversial  To scoop or not to scoop? The Bon AppĂ©tit staff was pitted against each other over the debate. Up until now, my strongest opinion about bagels was that Lender's makes crap ones. On Thursday, October 26... Article is from 2023. But I love how specific and serious they are with the date. It's like "On Thursday, October 26, investigators following a lead discovered the decapitated remains of..." ...Taylor Offer asked for a scooped gluten-free bagel at a bagel shop in New York City. âThe guy just looks at me and says, âIâm not scooping your fucking bagel, bro,ââ the TikTok creatorâand Los Angeles residentâsays in a viral video. âItâs like, Dude, thatâs how I want it.â I'm entirely in favor of thwarting TokTik creators at every opportunity. Also—and this should be the main point—the real issue is the existence of gluten-free bagels, not the scooping bit. Gluten-free bagels are an abomination against all that is good and pure in the world. They should not exist. I sympathize with those who have real, actual problems with gluten, because they'll never be able to fully enjoy the wonder that is the bagel; the toroidal delicacy absolutely requires this perfectly "natural" protein (which gives the bagel its unique taste, texture and mouthfeel) found in wheat and other grains. (See what I did there after the last couple of entries?) There are plenty of other things to enjoy eating if one is genuinely allergic to gluten. I'm going out on a limb here and saying that this influenza is clearly not, because there's enough gluten just floating around in a bagel shop to sicken anyone with actual celiac disease. The video has nearly 9 million views and thousands of commentsâtheir general consensus being that itâs a crime to scoop a bagel and transplants should be banned from New York for good measure. I don't give even half a shit what a commenter there thinks, except that they've got a point here. Still, I will reiterate, the true crime is the gluten-free thing. To say otherwise is to say that dismembering a corpse is somehow worse than creating the corpse in the first place. It's bad, sure. It's gross. But it doesn't reach the level of homicide. A scooped bagel is what it sounds likeâa bagel with its interior carved out, leaving only a half-pipe of crust. Its origin is impossible to nail down, but it likely came from the late â90s and early aughts, when the Atkins diet made everyone terrified of carbs. That idiotic fad resulted in the closing of an iconic donut shop here in my town. Earlier this year, a NJ.com headline asked readers, âAre âscoopedâ bagels evil? An investigation.â While the answer to a headline question is "no" by default, I'm willing to make an exception in this case. To understand better the backlash against Offer, it also helps to know that ordering a bagel in New York City is a trial and tribulation: You rehearse your order in your head as you stand in line. Almost everyone knows the "soup Nazi" episode from Seinfeld. What most don't know is that in NYC, that sort of thing isn't too much of an exaggeration. There are a thousand controversial decisionsâsweet versus savory, toasted versus untoasted, rainbow versus something not completely ridiculousâand everyone has an opinion. The bagel shop in my town makes good bagels (and they survived the low-carb fad). What they don't have is a means of toasting bagels. Their product is fresh, but if you want toasted, you order a bag full and toast them later, at home. Iâm pro scooping, though, and Iâm here to make its case. Iâve been eating bagels for as long as I can remember. When I was growing up in Rhode Island... And you've just admitted that your opinion on bagels is not to be trusted. Okay, I didn't grow up in New York City, either, but I spent time there every year with family, and bagels were central to that, so yeah, I get to have an opinion. Letâs be clear: All bagels are great. (Except plain bagelsâlike...live a little for once.) No. Gluten-free bagels are, as I noted above, the real issue here. There's more at the link, mostly the author proving himself wrong. Here's the thing, though, and I'm about to contradict myself, so deal with it: People like what they like. You know the old saying, "The customer is always right?" It's been abused and turned into a joke, but the full saying continued, "...in matters of taste." If you want your filet mignon burned to a crisp, I may judge you (okay, I will judge you), but if that's what you like and you're not going to waste it, I'll keep my judgement to myself. If you genuinely like Bud Light, well, that's what you like. And if you prefer scooped bagels, who am I to stop you? The one thing I'll say about that, though, is that if you're in a busy NYC bagel shop and you ask the very large, very tired guys behind the counter to take the time to scoop the damn thing, and they say "no," that's within their rights, as well. It would also be incredibly rude to the hundreds of people in line behind you to delay their orders while they eviscerate the bagel. So maybe don't do that. Scoop your bagels in the privacy of your own home, where no one can see you. Definitely judging the gluten-free thing, though. Seriously, there's no way that's an actual bagel. At best, it's a savory donut. |
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