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Growing up in the dark |
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Prologue Call me Jane The year is 1939, World War Two is in full force. Although the depression is crippling the country, the young couple is looking forward to the future. Their second child is just about ready to enter the world. Finally, after much pain and pushing, the mother feels the child slipping out of her body and into the world. After hours of the ebb and flow of labor, a baby girl is born. The mom holds her in her arms checking her over, making sure she has all her fingers and toes, while the father is gazing in awe at the mother and child. Then he has a strange request about naming the girl. “I don’t care what her first name is, you can name her anything you want to, but I want her middle name to be Jane, and that we call her Jane.” The mother is so glad that the pain is over, she doesn’t have time or energy to wonder why he came up with that idea, so she says “Of course. We will name her Dorothy after my aunt, and her middle will be Jane.” Welcome to the world, Dorothy Jane Milam. Chapter One First Memories 1944 I was raised in the “Silent Generation”, also known as Traditionalists; born between 1928 and 1945. We are characterized by our resilience, work ethic, and conformity, shaped by growing up during the Great Depression and World War II. At the time, I wasn’t aware of much, let alone what that meant. But looking back over my life, I realized it played a defining role in who I became. I respected authority, probably too much, at least in my younger years. I looked to leaders, especially men, as if they were in a completely different category. They had the answers to everything. I was just on this earth to serve them. My very first memory: I am sitting at the kitchen table with Mom, Dad, my older sister Ruth Ann, and my younger brother Johnny. My father’s brother Uncle Bob and his friend, who are visiting from Indiana, are also here. It is dark outside, and inside, all the lights are out because the sirens are sounding. The country is having a nationwide drill in case of an enemy air attack. The whole city is in a blackout. We’re all clustered around the table. Suddenly Uncle Bob strikes a match to light his cigarette. His face shows patience and confidence that everything will be all right. I wasn’t afraid. That flash of light and my uncle’s face is my only memory, I was around four years old. Chapter Two Parents Background 1914-1917 Both of my parents are born and raised in a small town in Indiana. Dad is the second oldest of seven children, four boys and three girls. The first child, a boy whom they named Lloyd, is mentally challenged due to a difficult birth. During labor they used forceps to pull the child out of the womb, which left him with brain damage. There were no schools for a child with his disabilities. They had institutions that would take care of him if necessary. But his mother makes the decision to keep him at home. He doesn’t talk, he just exists, he is a gentle soul. The other boys are my dad John, then Harold, and Bob is the youngest. The girls are Goldie, Mabel and Caroline. Florence, my mom, is the oldest of three, then her sister Ruth and brother Ed. The depression is affecting their lives, raising children is difficult. At the age of eleven, Florence, my mom is sent to live with another family as a helper. I don’t know if mom’s parents thought it would be better for her to live in a home that wasn’t poor, or maybe they were so poor they couldn’t keep her at their house. Mom worked for this other family until she got married. Chapter Three Parents’ Marriage 1936 When she graduates from high school mom finds a job in a basket factory where she meets dad. They fall in love, get married and start a family. Soon, the job in the basket factory ends, my sister Ruth Ann is born. When my sister is a year and nine months old, I am born. This is in Logansport, Indiana. Times are difficult. Dad can’t find work and mom is busy with two small children. They take a chance and move to Columbus, Ohio where they were able to buy a house with a small down payment, hoping they would be able to find jobs there. After they moved into their new house, dad is offered a factory job in Wabash, Indiana, so now what do they do? Mom is living in Columbus with two small children to take care of while Dad is working in Indiana during the week and coming back to Ohio on the weekends to be with his family. Mom finds a job in Ohio to help with the finances. She hires a babysitter to take care of us while she works. Dad is in Indiana working, coming home on weekends. Ruth Ann is 22 months old; I am six weeks old and being breast fed. Mom’s schedule is hectic. She gets up early, feeds the girls, goes to work, then rushes home at noon to nurse me and feed Ruth Ann. She then returns to work until quitting time. This is her typical week. Dad comes home from his job in Indiana on the weekends to spend time with his family. Chapter Four The Letter 1940 Despite using birth control, Mom finds out that she is pregnant with my brother, Johnny, when I am a year old. Dad is still working in Indiana during the week. One day Mom gets home from work and brings in the mail. There is a letter addressed to her with a postmark from Indiana. She figures it is from a relative, perhaps one of her sisters-in-law sending her a recipe. She opens it, out falls a newspaper clipping from a local Wabash paper. It is an article about a car crash that involves a local couple. There are no injuries, but the article includes a photo of the car, and the names of the people involved. It is my father and another woman. Apparently, Dad has a girlfriend during the week and comes home to his family on the weekends. This was in the 1940’s, Mom can’t call him up and ask what was going on, they have no telephone. What is her mind conjuring up? Here she is, pregnant and two small children to take care of. Her husband is two hundred miles away, he’s living the single life while she’s struggling to keep it together. What should she do? After thinking through all the options, she makes the decision to basically forgive him for the sake of the marriage and the children. But deep in her mind, possibly so deep she didn’t even realize it herself, she would pretend that she loved him but punish him in small ways for the rest of his life. What about me? None of this is my fault, but every time she looks at me, she is reminded of the deceit, the pain it brought her. Without consciously doing it, she withholds the mothers’ love a baby so desperately needs, for the rest of her life. I never knew what the other woman’s name was, but now I’d bet anything that her middle name was Jane and was called Jane. But I’ll never know. Now I can look back at my life and have a better understanding of why I was treated like I was. Chapter Five Elementary School 1944 Johnny is born a few months later. They are doing their best to put food on the table. Dad finds a job in Columbus, working for the Pennsylvania Railroad. His job is vital to the war effort, he is on a crew that repairs the tracks, so he can’t enlist. When he is home, he never talks to me, never ask how I am. When I come home from school and he is there alone, he simply looks at me, then continues reading the paper. He is a stranger to me; I want him to love me, but he never evens acts if I’m alive. Our home life seems normal to me, but we have no close relatives to visit. There is no TV, no neighbors dropping in to say “Hi”. As a young kid, I don’t know how other people live, I think everyone is like us. Isolated from the world. I am alone a lot. I love to read; Mom has lots of books that are available to me. Mom is never affectionate to me, never hugs me, never says she loves me, never shows me how to do anything. My first day of school, Mom and Dad had to work. Mom tells Ruth Ann to take me to school. I’m five years old, following my sister who is basically ignoring me. We live close to the school, only about a block down the alley, across another alley and there’s the schoolyard. Ruth Ann is walking ahead of me. When she comes to the alley to cross, she runs across it. I follow. Suddenly, I hear brakes, the squealing of tires, gravel spraying out. I see out of the corner of my eye, a car coming to a screeching halt right as I’m in the middle of the alley. The driver is upset because he almost ran into me. I just keep going, my sister runs off to be with her friends. I go to the door of the school, probably looking lost, which I was. I’d never been there before, didn’t know what to do, where to go. Someone eventually comes up to me and helps me find my classroom. Chapter Six Christmas 1946 Our furnace is a very basic one, it is in the basement, under a large metal grate that is in the central part of our living space, between the living and dining room. It funnels the heat upwards which takes care of our whole house. There’s a smaller grate upstairs in my parents’ bedroom which keeps the upstairs warm in the winter. One Christmas Eve Ruth Ann shows me how to look through the upstairs grate. I can see the Christmas tree below with presents underneath. The next morning, we go downstairs to open the presents. Ruth Ann and Johnny are happily opening one gift after another. I open one that has my name on it. It contains a doll, which meant nothing to me. There were no more gifts for me. I felt confused. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t have any words for the way I felt. Chapter Seven Aunt Goldie, Lake experience 1948 My dad’s family still lived in Indiana. When I was a child, we would drive from Columbus, Ohio to Wabash, Indiana just about every summer. Sometimes, we would take the train to Marion, Indiana because dad could get free passes for us. We stayed with Aunt Goldie and Uncle Al and their three children. Their kids, Carol Lee, John and Jim were close in age to us, and we bonded with them nicely. This visit, everyone decides to go the lake, just outside of town. It has a diving board and there’s a lot of people there. I’m probably eight years old. Everyone is having fun, but no one notices me. I’m cold, so I go to the parking lot thinking I’ll get in the car and get warm. The car is locked, so I sit on the running board and wait. Meanwhile, I am missed. Mom, dad and the relatives are looking for me. The lifeguard blows his whistle and makes everyone get out of the water. They search everywhere for me to no avail. It gets dark, so they call off the search until morning. Everyone assumes the worse, I have drowned. They come to the parking lot and find me sitting on the running board! Mom seems like she’s mad at me, I do not know why. No one says anything to me, just tells me to get in the car and we drive back to Aunt Goldie’s house. The next week, when we are back home, mom sign us kids up at the YWCA for swimming lessons. Chapter Eight Birthday Party 1948 In third or fourth grade, I decide I want to have a birthday party. I invite a bunch of kids from my class, including two black girls who are my friends. I tell Mom about the party, after I invite everyone. She looks at my list and realizes two of the girls on my list are black. She says, “Dad won’t like having black girls at the party”. I talk her into letting me uninvite Fanny but having Walterine come. It is hard telling Fanny that she could not come, but Fanny is all right with that. I enjoy the party that I threw myself, for me. I feel bad about having to uninvite Fanny. So, one day I ask her if she would like to ride the bus downtown with me to go to the park. She said yes, and we decided to meet at the bus stop. To my dismay, it was not just Fanny who showed up, she brought three younger siblings with her. We took the bus to the park along with the three little kids. It was a fun day for everyone, but I secretly felt embarrassed by being the only white person with them. I never thought of myself as being a racist, but the discomfort I felt probable shaped my future somewhat. It’s not that I felt better than them but recognized that there is a difference. Chapter Nine Church Experience 1950 We were not a religious family. We didn’t say grace before dinner, read from the bible or talk about God, Jesus or anything remotely spiritual. Outward exhibitions of our faith involved mom walking us to church every Sunday morning. Dad was not expected to join us. We walked to a Methodist Church nearby. We always attended Sunday School which was held before the church service. We never stayed for church; we walked home after Sunday school. Ruth Ann and Johnny went to their classes, and I went to mine. I learned about God in Heaven and his son Jesus who liked little children. I never talked, if I did it was to respond to a question. I never felt like anything they taught was meant for me. By that time, I knew I was not wanted. If there was a God, he didn’t see me. I was invisible. Anyhow, I could not understand how one man could look down from heaven and see everyone on earth. It just didn’t compute for my analytical brain. I did enjoy the stories, though. We colored in pictures of Jesus and the angels, that I did like to do. After I reached a certain age, maybe ten years old or so, our Sunday School class was promoted, and we became members of the church. There would be a small ceremony during the regular church service. I told mom about it; she asked Ruth Ann to stay for church and be with me. That Sunday came and after the Sunday School class, we all went to the sanctuary for our ceremony. The pews were full of people. The minister called each child by name to come to the front. Then he asked who was sponsoring them. It was usually a parent who would come up and stand with them. They would have the child turn around to face the audience and introduce him or her to the congregation. When my name was called and I went to the front, the minister asked who was sponsoring me, no one came. The church was silent. Moments passed; it was excruciating. Finally, a woman unknown to me, came up and said she was my sponsor. The minister was relieved, as well as the rest of the congregation. I was numb. I walked home alone. The next week at Sunday School, the lady came to see me, she gave me a gift of a bible, it was small and had a white leather cover. She had signed her name on the page in the front of the bible. I thanked her. Unfortunately, over the years of moving from one place to another, I have lost that bible. Maybe purposely. Every time I saw it, the emotion that I felt on that Sunday morning washed over me. I felt so grateful for that unknown woman to come forward and stand up for me. Chapter Ten Music 1950 I love music. Like many other kids of that era, we are forced to take music lessons at a young age. Ruth Ann, Johnny and I take the bus to the teacher’s house. We hop on the local bus, then transfer to another bus when we get downtown. I don’t remember much about the lessons; we must have been bored while waiting for each other to get their lesson, but I did enjoy learning to play the piano. It was interesting to ride the bus home. It was dark by then and everything looked different in the dark. Especially waiting on the corner in downtown Columbus in a bad side of town to transfer to our local bus. We were lucky nothing bad ever happened to us. One Christmas there is a music program at my elementary school for the parents to come and watch their kids perform. I am on a small stage with my classmates singing Christmas carols. I am so happy, singing my heart out. Mom is in the audience; I steal a peek at her. What I see is a bored woman looking off into the distance, wishing she was anywhere but here. At that moment, I realize that she doesn’t love me. It hurts me so badly. I don’t understand, what is the problem? I try so hard to be a good, easy to love daughter. What is wrong with me? Why aren’t I loveable? Chapter Eleven Steve 1950 When I am ten years old, I come home from school to find my mother sitting on the couch. There is a baby wrapped up in a blanket beside her. I run to see him, but mom doesn’t let me touch him. She says, “This is your brother, Steve”. I wonder, “Where did he come from, all of a sudden?” But I love him, love feeding him and playing with him. Ruth Ann and I dress him up in our doll’s clothes. In sixth grade I get permission to come home early to babysit while one parent went to work. The other parent would come home a couple of hours later. I help with the chores, scrub the floors, wash dishes, peel potatoes, even cook dinner when mom was working. Probably just hamburgers and potatoes. Sometimes after school, I walk to my friend’s house with her and hang out for a while. It is always such a revelation for me. When we get to her door, her mother is there to greet us, asking us how our day was, even giving us a treat before dinner! She speaks to me as if she notices me and likes me. I probably didn’t talk to her; I wasn’t used to nice parents. Even my friend’s dad speaks to me and treats me well. I feel awkward, I’m not used to this kind of treatment, parents being nice to each other and to us kids! No undercurrent of tension-unbelievable! Chapter Twelve Babysitters 1950 After Steve was born and mom went back to work, she advertised for babysitters in the local newspaper. She offered room, board and a small salary to take care of us. Like most things in life, sometimes it worked out well, other times, big mistake. One lady mom hired had blonde hair and was very pretty. I followed her around like a puppy dog. Ruth Ann was probably jealous because the babysitter gave me a lot of attention. Ruth Ann told me “She bleaches her hair.” I defended my idol; she had shown me a tube of hair color that she did her roots with. I told my sister, “She doesn’t bleach her hair, she just put stuff on her roots!” Oh, the innocence of children! Another time, mom was snooping through another sitter’s possessions and ran across a letter showing that the babysitter had just been released from prison and was on parole. She was gone quickly. There was a progression of sitters, until the last unforgettable one. Times were hard, we were poor, but the people we hired must have been even worse off. One time, in desperation, mom hired a young couple with a baby. Mom had just given birth to Steve and needed to go back to work. One day everyone was away from the house except Ruth Ann. She was in her bedroom with her door closed, doing homework. There was a knock on the door. “Who’s there?” she asked. The man said “Bob”. She asked, “What do you want?”. He answered, “Can you keep a secret?”. She opened the door, and he stood there naked. She slammed the door shut, then later she told me what had happened. She was frightened, but did not tell mom. That evening Ruth Ann, Johnny and I were in the back seat of our car, on our way to our piano lesson. Dad was driving and mom was in the front seat with Steve. I said to Ruth Ann, “You better tell mom what Bob did”. Of course, mom wanted to know what I was talking about, and Ruth told her. Mom didn’t say much, they let us off at our piano teacher’s house. When they picked us up and brought us home, almost every trace of the babysitters was gone. Some of their things were still out on the front yard to be picked up later. Ruth and I never talked about what had happened again, but whenever I would hum and sing “How High the Moon”, a Les Paul and Mary Ford song, which was popular at that time, she would ask me to stop. Her reason was that she didn’t like that song. Years later she explained: that particular song was playing on the radio when the man exposed himself to her. I understood. Chapter Thirteen Last of Elementary School 1950 I am learning to live without love and attention from my parents. I have a vivid imagination, thanks to all the books that I read. I entertain myself for hours in my own little world. We live close to a movie theater. I start walking to the theater on the weekends to see matinees. I immerse myself in the movie. If it was a musical, I walk home pretending I am the star and living her life, singing, dancing, happy! The innocent days. In school, we read about a study of child development. They used rhesus monkeys and split them into groups. In one group the baby monkeys live with their mothers and are fed, groomed and nurtured. Another group has a “fake” mother, like a doll, but were otherwise fed and nurtured. The last group had no mother or fake mother, were fed intermittently and never touched or hugged. The first group thrived, the second group made out all right, but the last group were scarred emotionally. Some of them died, the others grew up without any skills or confidence to get along in their world. As young as I am, that makes a huge impact on me. The last scenario is the story of my life. In the forties, families like mine were isolated from the rest of the world, and neighborhood. I either thought that others live like us or were so much better than we are. When I start having friends and they invite me to their house to play, I am like a fish out of water. I have absolutely no social skills. Chapter Fourteen Mom’s Fingers 1950 In the sixth grade, mom arranges for me to get out of school early so I can take care of Steve while she goes to work. Dad usually comes home from work in a couple of hours. I help him fix supper and clean up. One night he goes to the local bar, the phone rings, and I answer. It’s mom, she asks for dad. I tell her he’s not home, she says “Tell him I hurt my hand and I’m in the hospital”. She sounds all right, no urgency in her voice. When dad gets home, I give him her message. He becomes very upset, reaches for the phone and calls where she works. She works at General Motors, on the assembly line. Her job is to use both hands and push car parts into a press that comes down and shapes the part. There is a quota for the night, she must do so many parts in a certain amount of time. Her machine is having problems, and she reports it, but it hasn’t been fixed correctly. While she was pushing the part into the press, it comes down on her hand before she can do anything. It was her right hand; it was smashed under the machine. They rush her to the hospital. She lost her little finger completely, half of the next finger and the tip of her middle finger. Our parents never fight or argue in front of us. Dad is usually silent; he never seems happy. I feel like he doesn’t want to be there. I keep my distance from him, but I would have been pleased if somehow, he would smile at me. Mom is always busy. When she says anything to me, it is “Do this”, or “Do that”. Never “Thank you”, “Good job” or “I love you”. While mom recuperates from the hand injury, our house is silent. Dad is present in a way I haven’t seen before. I think he is ashamed because he wasn’t home when she needed him. She never mentions that, at least not in my presence. Her hand heals up, and she returns to work. Chapter Fifteen Horseback Riding 1950 Ruth Ann has lots of friends. They are always doing things that look like fun. One day they decide to go horseback riding. There are stables on the edge of town, you can rent a horse by the hour and go along trails out in the country. I tag along on this day. They all go to the barn and get their horses and ride off while I’m still getting mine. Unfortunately, all the good horses were taken, so the man brought out a horse that was very old and very slow. He apologizes but explains that it was the last one left in the barn. He helps me mount, and the horse walks slowly out of the barn. The horse keeps walking slower and slower with me on his back. Then he stops. Not knowing what was happening, I got off the horse and stood there wondering what I should do. The horse laid down and died. The man came out of the barn. He checked the horse over, made sure I was okay, and said “Don’t feel bad, that horse was really old and was ready to die.” Chapter Sixteen Roosevelt Junior High School 1951 Then comes Junior High School, what a neat experience! I walk to and from school. We have different classrooms for each subject that we have throughout the day. I am in the orchestra with my cello. I look back at an incident from then. The following account is something that happened spontaneously. I didn’t think about it or plan it out, it just happened. I must have been in the 8th grade; the music department is selling candy bars to earn money for the music program. I am walking down the hall between classes. I stop in the restroom, no one else is in there. I have an armful of books, with five candy bars on top. I put them on the sink while I use the facilities. While I am in the stall, I hear someone enter the bathroom, then quickly leave. I rush out, see my books on the sink but the candy bars are gone. I grab my books and chase after the girl. She ducks into a classroom just as the bell rings. When I get to the door, I go in, look around and spot the girl, with my candy bars on her desk. I go up to the teacher and tell her why I am here. She asked the girl if what I say is true, the girl hands over the candy bars to me and that was that. To this day, liars and cheaters will not be tolerated by me. Chapter Seventeen Jim’s Accident 1953 Aunt Goldie is calling mom. Jim went swimming in the lake, the same lake that I “almost drowned” in when I was a kid. Now I’m fourteen years old, have learned to swim. Jim dove in off the side of the diving board and didn’t come up. He hit his head on the bottom and was instantly paralyzed. The lifeguard pulled him to safety, he was rushed to the hospital. His neck is broken, they fix it and put him in a cast from his head to waist, with his face and arms free of the cast. His paralyses is gone, thank goodness. He is driving Aunt Goldie crazy. She calls to ask mom if I can visit for a couple of weeks to entertain him. The next weekend we all drive to Wabash to visit and then they leave me there for a couple of weeks. Before they left, I went for a bike ride and when I got back to the house, my family had left me there without saying goodbye. I needed some personal things, like deodorant, and I did not have any money. I’m too bashful to ask Aunt Goldie, I look around in her bathroom but don’t find anything. When I reached puberty, I had a huge problem with perspiration. I didn’t ask mom or Ruth Ann about solving the problem because I’m always ignored and don’t know how to ask for anything. Now I am two hundred miles away from home and embarrassed with no one to help me. Jim is a handful; he is very demanding, and I do my best to keep him happy. His pain is not too bad by then, but he must keep his neck straight while it’s healing. We play board games, cards and talk a lot. Aunt Goldie has a job cooking for a deli right down the street. She cooks at home and delivers the food to them. One day she was deep frying something that smelled delicious. “Want me to save some for you?” she asks. “Sure” I say, “What is it?” “Pigs brains.” “Never mind!” When my visit is over, Aunt Mabel and Aunt Caroline drive me to Marion, Indiana so I can get on the train to Columbus. They’re showing me anti-perspirant products in the drug store. Later I realized they were tactfully trying to tell me something. Too bad I didn’t have the nerve to tell them mom left me without any money to buy any. Just left me there, didn’t say goodbye, didn’t ask if I needed anything. Just left as if I didn’t matter. Chapter Eighteen Linden McKinley Junior High School 1954 When Ruth Ann starts High School, she has to go to East High which is about 75% black. After three days of Ruth Ann being treated badly at school, Mom tries to enroll her in another school, but we have to live in the school’s district. My parents put their house on the market and move in with my grandparents who live in the north side of Columbus, in the Linden McKinley school district, which is predominately white. Living with Mom’s parents is quite an experience. I’m not sure where we all slept, the house consisted of a living room, two bedrooms, bath and kitchen downstairs with a half story upstairs, and a full basement. Now it was home to four adults and four children. Linden McKinley is a junior-senior high school with grades from seven to twelve. I start on the first Wednesday after Labor Day; my home room is the upper tier of the auditorium. The section we were in is crowded with kids my age, but they are all strangers to me. I am the new kid on the block, a very shy girl, tall, skinny as a rail, it is all my nightmares come true. I am able to figure out where my classrooms are and survive the first three days. When the weekend finally comes, my next-door neighbor, Nancy, wants to show me the Ohio State Fair Grounds, which is near to where we live. We ride our bicycles there. The fair isn’t on, but people bring their horses and use the racetrack to exercise them. We talk a man into letting us take turns riding his horse. Nancy took her turn, then it was my turn. The man helps me get in the saddle and I start off, but there is something wrong with the way the saddle fit the horse, the strap that went under and around the horse was slipping back and touching his private parts. The horse starts rearing up and trying to get me off his back. I try to get off but end up falling and hitting my elbow on the ground. When I land, I felt something break. The man comes over to grab the horse and to see if I am all right. I can stand up. I tell him, “I think my arm is broken.” He looks at it, tells me to wiggle my fingers, which I did. He says, “It’s not broken”. He takes my elbow and moves my arm up and down. I am in a lot of pain and can’t ride my bike home, so he drives me home with my bike in the trunk. My parents aren’t there, they are at their old house getting it ready to sell. Grandpa is at home when we get there. The man tells him what has happened. Grandpa tells him not to worry, I’ll be all right, and sends the man on his way. There was no exchange of names or numbers. Grandpa drives Grandma, Ruth Ann and me to the house where mom and dad are. For some reason he hits every bump in the road and laughs when I cry out in pain. By the time we get to the house my arm is really hurting. Mom and Dad take me to Children’s Hospital which is nearby. The doctors try to set it by manipulating it but couldn’t. It is a clean break, but the muscle had gotten between the sections of the bone. I need an operation. They keep me overnight and operate the next day. They drill two holes into my bone from my shoulder and insert two stainless steel pins. I get a fever and can’t leave until it goes down to normal. I am there for six days. I am in a ward with about 12 beds. When I start to feel better, I make friends with the other children, comforting the little ones when they cry. It is a very satisfying and enjoyable time. One afternoon my sister sneaks in with some of our neighborhood gang to visit me. I loved that. I can’t go back to school until my fever stays normal and the arm is healing properly. That takes two weeks. By then, most of the kids had bonded with others, made friends, formed groups. But here I am, tall, skinny, with my right arm in a sling. Nobody wants me in their circle. I take a seat beside a girl who appears to be a fellow weirdo like me. Her name is Donna, and we become friends, but never part of a group. Since I play the cello, I am in the orchestra. That is my saving grace. My fellow cello player, Luvena, and I become good friends. She is a year behind me, but we hit it off. She and her mother live alone. She invites me to stay overnight many weekends. One time we were listening to the radio, and she wanted me to hear a new singer. She twisted the dial on the radio, all at once this wonderful voice came on, singing a song with a new (to me) beat, it was Elvis Presley singing Heartbreak Hotel. I am totally smitten! Chapter Nineteen Expelled 1955 My sister is in a sorority, and I join it also. It is not sanctioned by the school, but there were two sororities, hiding under the radar. My friend Donna and I attend their meetings. One day I am in study hall in the auditorium, Donna is in the next row. I pass her a note which mentions the sorority meeting. I also say something about that “damned Mr. Kenny” who is the study hall monitor that day. My note is confiscated by Mr. Kenny, and I am expelled from high school. I must bring a parent to the principal’s office before I can return to school. I go home to an empty house. My dad came home from work first. I briefly tell him what is happening. He takes me back to school and goes to the principal’s office. I wait in the outer office. I hear my father’s voice raise, I’m not sure what he is saying. On the ride home, the only thing he says to me was “Never write anything down that you don’t want to be seen by others,” or something to that effect. He doesn’t scold me or praise me. It is never mentioned again. During the Christmas season, the orchestra plays in a city-wide program at Central High School which is in downtown Columbus. All the high schools are involved, which are East, West, South, North, Central and Linden McKinley plus the choirs from each school. The schools take turns doing their numbers, and at the end, all the orchestras and choirs get together on the stage to perform a final number. It is so beautiful that tears were streaming down my cheeks. The music director Mr. Baker is a wonderful man. I think he senses that something wasn’t quite right with my home life, although he never says anything about it to me. He just asks me to help him out sometimes by making mimeographs or letting me practice in the band room. He is a real gentleman; he seems to respect me for who I am. Chapter Twenty Tom, Ruth & Danny 1955 Ruth Ann is dating Danny. He lives right across the street from Linden McKinley. She spends a lot of time at his house, his parents are very nice people and always welcome her to their house. Ruth Ann and Danny spend a lot of time at our house too. I keep pestering them to take me with them on their dates. They finally agree to fix me up with a neighborhood friend of Danny’s. His name is Bernie. Ruth Ann and I go to Danny’s house and wait for Bernie to show up, but he never does. Danny’s older brother Tom is home, so he takes pity on me and spends the evening entertaining me while Ruth Ann and Danny have their time alone. They have a beautiful grand piano in the parlor. I play some songs and then we play cards with Ruth Ann and Danny. I have a great time; it is nice. Tom and I start seeing each other. We go to the local drive-in and get burgers or go to his house. I am in high school; he is a college student. I sit in my last class looking out the window. There he is, standing in front of his house across the street, smoking a cigarette waiting for the bell to ring so we can be together. I was so madly in love with him. The rest of the world ceased to exist for me. My grades fell drastically. I would sign my mother’s name on my report card and turn it back into my teacher. Mom never asked about it, I never mentioned it. So, for a few months, I was very happy. Ruth Ann and Danny decide to get married in December 1955. The wedding is small, but Ruth Ann has a maid of honor and three bridesmaids. I can’t be the Maid of Honor because I’m not Catholic. After the wedding and reception Tom and I spend the night at my house. We fall asleep on the couch in the basement rec room. The next morning, Ruth Ann and Danny come down the stairs and see us sleeping together and figured out that we were intimate the night before. Ruth Ann tells my mother about her suspicions and Mom has a fit. I am upstairs lying on my bed. Mom comes upstairs, doesn’t say a word, just whips me with a belt and forbids me to ever see Tom again. It just didn’t seem real. Later Ruth Ann came up and laid on her bed. “Did it hurt?” she asked. I wasn’t sure if she was asking about the spanking or the sex. I was numb, I couldn’t wrap my head around this. Why am I the center of attention suddenly? I’ve been ignored all my life. I didn’t answer her question. The next time I talked with Tom, I told him what had happened and what Mom said. We started meeting secretly, I’d meet him at the drug store or the drive-in restaurant near the house. But one day not long after that, he broke up with me, not giving me a reason. I am devastated. Why didn’t Tom like me anymore? I couldn’t understand that. I had been so happy with him, I thought he cared for me, too. Chapter Twenty-One Shorty 1956 I start hanging out with Mary, a girl from school. We cut classes and spend time going to parks, anything but go to school. We smoke and past the time until school is out, then we go home. I meet Shorty during that time of my depression. He’s a grade ahead of me, lives with his dad on a street that I walk down every day, to and from school. We start seeing each other, he’s bashful but nice. His mother had just died from diabetes. She had it since she was fourteen years old. Most of Shorty’s memories of her was very sad. She was in and out of the hospital, when he would come home from school he wouldn’t know if she would be home or not. His grandparents lived next door to them, so he could spend a lot of time with them if his mom was sick. Shorty eventually dropped out of school and started working with his dad, who builds houses. His dad builds two or three houses at a time and hires a small crew of carpenters. I went to school one day, and there is an assembly in the auditorium for senior girls. There is a recruiter from Ohio Bell who was encouraging the seniors to sign up for the program. We could go to school in our senior year, then in the afternoon go downtown to the Ohio Bell office to learn how to be long distance operators. When we graduate from high school, we will start working full time as an operator. I am interested, but when they investigate my record and see how bad my attendance and grades were, they had concerns about signing me up for the program. To me, that was a wake-up call. I promised them if they would hire me, I’d never miss school again and my grades would come up. They hired me. My senior year I went to school in the morning and went to Ohio Bell in the afternoon. I worked split shifts on weekends. It was good for me, gave me direction. I graduated from high school and worked full time at Ohio Bell. I broke up with Shorty, my new life didn’t leave much time for dating, and I didn’t really love him. I was only seventeen years old and had the rest of my life in front of me. Throughout my life, I’ve felt like many times I’ve faced a “fork in the road”. If I had made a better choice at this juncture, my life would be totally different. Chapter Twenty-Two Married to Shorty 1957 I think I’m pregnant. Now what to do, I’m being punished for being happy? There’s no one I can talk to about this. While I’m babysitting my neighbor’s children, I call Shorty and ask him to come over. He is glad I called; he comes right over. “Shorty, I’m pregnant,” I tell him right away. “You have two choices, either one is okay with me. I can have the baby myself and not involve you at all, or we can get married”. He takes it all in, then says “Let’s get married”. I feel a heaviness some over me. I have just given up my planned future and signed up for a future I wasn’t sure I wanted. The next day I told mom, “Shorty and I are getting married.” She gave me a sharp look and asked, “Do you have to?” and I answer “Yes.” August 16, 1957, on a Friday evening, I become Mrs. Howard Parlette, Jr. It’s a small wedding at a local Methodist Church with just the immediate family. After the ceremony we have a small reception, then take off for our honeymoon in Cincinnati. We have rented an apartment on Summit Street which we move into Saturday and Sunday. It’s a walk-up studio on the second floor. We carry our furniture up the stairs, it takes us all day. I’m back to work on Monday, and on Tuesday I have a day off. I’m in the apartment alone cleaning and putting things together. I go to the bathroom, and something doesn’t feel right “down there”. I realize that I’m having a miscarriage. I call Mom and tell her, “I think I’m having a miscarriage!” I thought she would tell me to come home and start over again. I was just 17 years old and terribly confused. I don’t know what I was thinking. But her answer was “Good, now no one will know you had to get married.” So, I began my life as a pretender. My husband, a high school dropout. He is working as a carpenter, first with his dad, then for other builders. It was very seasonal, not much work in the wintertime. We buy a house from his dad, taking over the builders’ loan so it was a good deal. We did a lot of work on it ourselves; it was fun watching it become a house, our house. I want kids. At first, I thought I’d have six children and show mom how a good mother raises her kids! I wasn’t getting pregnant though. My sister has two kids by now and I want to get pregnant. I went to the doctor to ask his advice. My body was in good shape, so he had me take my temperature every morning, using a basal thermometer, and make a chart. It was interesting. My temperature was 97.6 every morning until I ovulated, then it would go up to 98.6 until my period started. The fertile time is the day it goes up, so whether you want to or not, you must have sex. It took a couple of months, and then I got pregnant. I am only six weeks pregnant; things aren’t happening as I thought they would. I am working a lot, split shifts on the weekend, irregular hours during the week. Shorty is working sporadically, going hunting or fishing the rest of the time. One Saturday I get up early, driving our one car downtown for the first half of my split shift. When I return home for a quick bite, Shorty takes the car and drives his buddy and his buddy’s dog out to the country for a run. Meanwhile, it starts raining. I have to walk to the bus stop which is about five blocks away. The wind is blowing, the rain is pouring, and my umbrella keeps turning inside out. When I finally get on the bus and take my seat, I stare out the window, soaking wet. My anger and frustration are getting stronger in me. How could he take the car knowing I had to go back to work, just to run the neighbor’s dog? By the time I get to work, I am furious. I go in to see my supervisor and tell her that I am quitting, when I clock out that night I won’t be coming back. She begs me not to, but I feel I have no choice. Or my choice is a bad one and I can’t see it, I am so hurt on many levels. It seems like I am doing everything I can for this family to work, and Shorty isn’t even trying. After my last three hours I go home on the bus and my next life starts. Chapter Twenty-Three Babies Arrive 1959 We survive on Shorty’s pay. He found a regular job at a bowling supply company. During the summer he is on a crew that resurfaces bowling lanes in a tri-state area. He’s on the road for a week to three weeks at a time, going from bowling alley to bowling alley in different cities. Having a baby isn’t easy for me. I have no one to talk to, my mother and sister have never encouraged any closeness between us. Terri’s birth is long. The doctor thinks I’m further along than I am, he gives me something to put me under, but it wears off before she is delivered. When I wake up, it is painful, but I am able to push and help in the delivery. Terri and I stay in the hospital for five days. Shorty goes back to work, on the road. When we go home, I take care of Terri, stressing over everything from bath time to feeding. I enjoy taking care of my baby, hoping I’m doing the correct things with her. I have my second daughter, Liz, two years later. That was a near disaster. I didn’t realize until years later how dangerous it was. She is due October 23, 1961. On October 7th my water breaks, late at night, around ten or eleven o’clock. I call my doctor, he says to call him back when the pains start. That was on Saturday night. When I wake up Sunday morning, the pains hadn’t started, so I just go about my usual activities. Monday morning, I get up, Shorty goes off to work, out of town. I call my doctor to let him know that my pains haven’t started yet. He says, “What do you mean?” I tell him about how my water broke on Saturday night, the phone call and his response, and he sounds upset. He tells me to get to the hospital right away. It turns out that he had been in bed asleep on Saturday night when I called and didn’t remember my phone call. I call Shorty’s grandparents, and they drive me to the hospital. My pains start before we get there. Liz is born without any problems, thank God! Dr Wilson is so relieved; I didn’t realize how dangerous that situation was. Chapter Twenty-Four Aunt Goldie’s Death 1962 After Liz was born, we find out that Aunt Goldie has breast cancer. She found a lump on her breast, but didn’t go to the doctor until it was too late to save her life. People didn’t talk openly about their problems; everything was such a secret. Shorty and I drive to Wabash for her funeral. Liz is about a year old and Terri three years old. I feel like Aunt Goldie was the one person in my life who loved me, and I was so sad that she died. I cried on the way home. Chapter Twenty-Five Terri’s Fall 1963 I am having a busy morning. It is Friday, Shorty is at work and I’m busy taking care of the kids. I get up early, throw on some clothes and get ready to do some chores around the house. The phone rings. It’s my friend Mary. I don’t see her very often; we do not have much in common except for our kids. She has two boys, Rick is five years old, and Mike is three years old. She wants me to take care of her boys while she goes to her doctors’ appointment. I said okay, bring them over. Mary brings her boys over and takes off for the doctor’s appointment. Terri is four, and Liz is two years old. I’m in the bathroom with Liz, helping her use the potty-chair. All at once I hear a scuffle and what sounds like something hitting the basement floor. I leave Liz in the bathroom and race through the house, my heart in my throat! The door to the basement is open, and Mike is standing at the top of the stairs, looking down. I run down the stairs past him. Terri is sitting at the foot of the stairs, looking stunned. Her upper lip is cut and bloody, and there is a huge lump right in the middle of her forehead. It is huge, it’s like someone cut a boiled egg in two and stuck it to her head. I pick her up, run upstairs past the boys who are still standing on the landing at the top of the stairs. They were looking at me as if I am going to be mad at them. I am furious with them but run past them through the house. I stop at the refrigerator and grab an ice cube and put it on her forehead. My mind is racing, the only thing that I can think of it is “Get her to the hospital.” I don’t have a car, Shorty has it. I dash out the front door just in time to see Louie, our next-door neighbor, in his driveway backing his car out. He has his young daughter Rhonda with him, he is taking her to a doctor’s appointment. I run up to him and said “Louie, you have to take us to the hospital”. He said, “Rhonda has a doctor’s appointment.” I said, “Drop us off on your way!” Just then Mary Jo, Louie’s wife, comes out on the front porch. I quickly tell her what is going on. She tells Louie to drop me off at the hospital and she will take care of the kids until I get back. Louie drops Terri and me off at the hospital emergency room. I run in, Terri in my arms, and go straight to the desk and tell them we need help. The nurse immediately takes us to a cubicle. Minutes later a doctor comes in to see her. Right away he was concerned with Terri’s injury. He looked her over very carefully, looked into her eyes with a flashlight. Then he asks me to wait in a small room while they whisk her away for X-rays. An office person comes in and asks me for information like name, address, insurance. After a while two other men came in and asked in detail about the accident. They ask about my personal life, where is my husband and what was I doing when she fell. I answer all their questions, wondering why they need all that information. Several hours pass by. I am very distraught but have faith that the doctors are taking diligent care of her. I was afraid she was going to die or have brain damage. All I could think of was Terri, praying that she would be all right, but after seeing that huge bump on her head, I knew something was wrong. Especially the way those men questioned me, I couldn’t understand any of that. I call Mary Jo to let her know what is going on. She is taking care of Liz. Mary had come by to pick up her kids. I ask her to let Shorty know what has happened when he gets home from work and have him come to the hospital to pick us up. I’m still in a state of shock. The doctor sticks his head in the door occasionally; to let me know they are still checking her. He says, “Some of the X-rays came out blurry so they had to do them over.” Finally, the doctor gives me some good news. They have looked for any damage to the brain, but none is evident. Her skull is not cracked. It seems like all the trauma is on the surface, that is why the bump is so big. He warned me that there would be some bruising, but that is normal. What a huge relief! I hadn’t realized how stressed I was until he told me the good news. Shorty came to pick us up. I told him what the doctor said, and that we don’t have to worry. We need to watch her in case anything changes, but she is cleared to go home. I fix a quick supper for us. It is great to see Liz after all day of being in the emergency room with Terri. Things quickly go back to normal. The next morning, Terri’s eyes are starting to look bruised. She seems normal and I don’t worry, the doctor has warned us about the bruising. All the blood from the vessels and capillaries that broke when her head hit the concrete floor is starting to come to the surface. That night we get a sitter and go bowling with another couple. Sunday morning is good. When Terri wakes up, both of her eyes are black and blue and swollen shut. She still has no signs that there is anything else wrong with her, I am so glad she’s all right. Later in the day, we go to the drug store to pick up some medicine. While I’m waiting in line, a lady comes up to me and says, “Has your daughter been in an automobile accident?” I say no, but do not go into any explanation. I look at Terri, trying to see her as others do. She does look awful. Both eyes are swollen and black from her eyebrows to the circles beneath her eyes. Her upper lip is swollen and bruised. I am so thankful that she is all right. Monday morning Shorty goes to work, just another regular day for him. He is part of a carpool which is good because I get the car to do errands until it’s his turn to drive. This morning, they pick him up and bring him home as usual. During dinner he tells me about his day. He said “I told the people in the car this morning about Terri’s accident. They were all concerned and were glad she was not injured any worse than she was. But one lady said that she knew someone whose daughter had the very same thing happen to her, the doctor said she was all right, but she died six months later.” When Shorty tells me that, my entire world changes. I cannot sleep, if I try, I see Terri lying in a casket with flowers all around her. It seems so real. I try to think positive thought, but still could not sleep. A month or so later I have an appointment with my OB/Gyn for my regular checkup. When he asks me how I am doing, I start to say, “I’m fine,” but I begin to cry so hard I have trouble talking. In between sobs, I tell him about Terri’s accident and the rest of the story about what the lady in the carpool had said. I tell him that I have trouble sleeping, and if I sleep, I have dreams about Terri in a casket, surrounded by flowers. He gives me a prescription for a syrup, told me to take a spoonful every night. From then on, I was able to sleep without the terrible visions. Chapter Twenty-Six Liz’s Tonsils 1964 A year later things are pretty good in our happy little family. Shorty works while I stay at home taking care of the kids. I kind of like staying home with them. Yesterday I laid on the couch reading Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell. I am so into it; the kids are having a field day playing with their toys while I’m lost in the story. But it is not easy, money is tight. We must borrow money occasionally from Shorty’s dad to make it through the week. I always pay him back right away, it’s so embarrassing to owe him money. I decide to go back to work if they will have me. I went to Ohio Bell and applied for a job as an operator. The supervisor checks my past records and says, “The last time you worked here, you quit without notice.” I said “I am sorry about that, I felt like I had to quit because of trouble at home. Now I am ready to take on the responsibility. If you hire me, I promise I will work at least for a year.” She hires me, I am so happy. We need the money, and I did like working there before. I am to start on a Monday morning. Everything is turning out great. I will love working, now that I know the ropes, I can make myself useful, plus make some money to help our finances. Sunday night I am getting ready for bed. Both girls are in bed sleeping. But I hear something from their room, it sounds like someone is choking. I go in to see what is going on. Terri is fine, sound asleep. But Liz is choking, each time she tries to take a breath, she chokes. I pick her up, wake up Terri and tell her to get dressed. I run into our bedroom to wake up Shorty. I say, “Get dressed and take us to the hospital, Liz can’t breathe!” The rest is a blur, somehow, we make it to the hospital. I race in with Liz in my arms. “She can’t breathe” I say to the first person I see. They scoop her up and take her to an examination room. We wait while they check her out. It turns out that Liz’s tonsils had swollen up so much that they were closing off her throat so she couldn’t get any air. They gave her something that shrank her tonsils so she could breathe. The doctor told me that they needed to remove her tonsils right away, like tomorrow. I was torn in two. Now what do I do? The next day I must go to work. I have to, I had given my word to them, I had promised them that I could be relied on. I told the doctor why I could not miss work. He was very understanding and gave me medicine to keep her tonsils from swelling until they were removed. This is a very tense time for me. I am scheduled to work for three days, I don’t know how I did it, I hope I was able to be a decent operator. My mind is totally about Liz and her tonsils. On Thursday she has her surgery; they remove her tonsils. Everything goes smoothly. I am so thankful that I heard her gasping for breath and was able to save her life! I feel so alone, I have no one to talk to. Shorty does not seem to be involved in the kids and me. Everything is on my shoulders, and I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I am trying to be a good mother, but what is that? Who is judging? My mother treats me as if I am of no importance. My sister has her own problems. Somehow, we keep on going. Chapter Twenty-Seven Long Distance Operator, Sewing 1965 Eventually I am relying on the syrup for sleep, but still have a feeling of anxiety during the day. My regular doctor prescribed Valium for me. It does take the edge off. I can work, it was hard. Weekends, split-shifts, babysitters. Terri has the measles; I must go to work. I tell the babysitter to check on her, give her food and water. When I get home ten hours later, I ask “How is Terri?” “Fine” she says, “She hasn’t moved all day.” I feel like the worst mother in the world! No more working away from home. I went in the next day and gave my two weeks’ notice. I had promised my supervisor I would stay for a year, but I only lasted eleven months. What do I do now? I have no college degree, no skills, except I do know how to sew. I bought a sewing machine and I’m making clothes for the girls and me. I few weeks ago I made us matching dresses from blue and white gingham. They were so pretty and fresh looking. The other day Terri wore her new dress to school. She looks so pretty! I watch her walking home from school, she has her books pressed up against her chest. She couldn’t wait to show me a picture she had made in art class. It was a beautiful landscape, done in colored chalk. The whole front of her dress was smeared with the chalk! It made me laugh, Terri was so proud of that picture, she didn’t realize the dress was ruined! I couldn’t be angry with her. I never could get that chalk washed out of her dress! I am now taking Valium pills three or four times a day. They take the edge off my anxiety and help me sleep. I don’t know what I’d do without them. Occasionally, I skip a dose, but never twice in a row. My doctor argues with me every time I ask for him to renew the script. I tell him I will stop using them, but I can’t seem to quit. Shorty does not seem happy with his family. I keep trying to please him, but nothing works. Chapter Twenty-Eight Nags Head N.C 1967-1973 Shorty, the kids and I have been going to the beach at Nag’s Head North Carolina every other year for a weeks’ vacation. Ruth Ann and Danny introduced us to this area several years ago. We each rent cottages side by side on the beach, just on the other side of the dunes and sea oats. It is a beautiful, unspoiled place to visit. We drive from Columbus to Nag’s Head in two days. We stop at a motel the first night and have dinner, sleep and hit the road again the next morning. The kids and I enjoy the ride, we sing, play silly games and nap occasionally. We stop for lunch and by dinner time, we are at the beach. I’m so grateful to Ruth Ann and Danny for introducing us to this place, I never would have had the nerve to go there on our own. Ruth Ann and Danny have four children, Tammy and Chris are older than my daughter Terri, then Susan is their third child. Liz, my daughter is next in line, then Ruth and Danny’s fourth child Mike. So, everyone has someone to play with, it’s really great. Shorty and Danny get along fine, Ruth Ann and I can do our own thing. We like to lay on the beach, we check out the local stores and buy groceries. Everyone likes to ride the waves. We have rafts that are about two by four feet long. We swim out past the waves, then ride them in on our tummies. Pretty harmless, but fun. Shorty fishes in the evenings on the beach. We can’t afford to vacation every year. And once I start my own business, I cannot close the shop and leave in the summertime. Chapter Twenty-Nine Revelation 1968 At this point in my life, you would think that I would be happy. I have two beautiful daughters, a husband who works, and we own our own home, what else could I ask for? Well, maybe it’s because I can slow down, breathe and look within that I realize that I am not happy. Shorty isn’t happy and I finally understand that. I know he had a difficult life growing up, and I keep trying to please him, but nothing seems to work. My dad has the same disposition, maybe I thought that was normal for a man. But going to the beach with Ruth Ann and Danny I saw a whole new way of living. Danny was always happy, easy to please, was good to the kids, was nice to me. I envied Ruth Ann a lot, but we never talked about it. One year, after a week on the beach, we drove by Williamsburg, Virginia. The billboards were advertising a tourist stop in Colonial Williamsburg, featuring 18th-century life. That sounded good to me, I asked Shorty to follow the directions, and we could check it out. He didn’t want to; I could tell by the way he drove. We found a place to park and went into the information building which told us what it was all about. After checking out the information, I realized that it was more than a quick stop, so I suggested continuing our way home. He was mad, he huffed and walked way ahead of us. The girls and I kept up with him the best we could. I was afraid he’d hop in the car and take off without us, he was so mad! As we were back on the highway headed for home, I thought “What am I doing wrong?” Nothing I can do pleases him. Even in our personal life, he takes what he wants, never caring if I am pleased or not. I’ve tried to talk to him, but his answer was “I’m happy, if you don’t like it then you can leave”. I sat there in the car, traveling along the highway heading for home while these thoughts are heavy in my heart. Suddenly, like a bolt of lightning or a ray of light from the sky, I receive this message. “Jane, it isn’t your fault, you are doing your best.” I knew right then and there, I needed to get out of this marriage. He is not good to the kids; he’s mean to Terri and ignores Liz. I need to find a way to get a divorce. We’ve been married for eleven years, and it’s not like I haven’t tried. I need to find a way to earn enough money for me and the girls. I know he won’t contribute anything. Chapter Thirty 1968 Working from Home I decide to use my sewing skills to earn money. I put an ad in the local paper for alterations. The phone rings, it’s a lady who needs my services. She has a dress that doesn’t fit right. I go to her house and take her measurements. Now I am in business. It’s not easy work, it takes a long time to take apart and put back together the outfits that people buy. If I charged enough to make a decent wage, I would have no customers. I am having coffee with my neighbor Pauline one morning, “I am working long hours but not making any money” I tell her. “I don’t want to get a job because of the kids”. Pauline say’s “My sister works in her basement. She makes draperies for Sabo and Stone.” “Who are they?” I ask. She answers “They own a carpet and drapery store on Cleveland Ave. They bring her the fabric and the order, and she makes the draperies. Want me to see if see needs help?” “Sure” I say. A few days later she gets back to me. “Maxine said she is busy and could use some help, but she doesn’t want you to work in her basement. You will have to set up your own shop in your basement.” I am excited! I call Maxine. She is going to teach me how to make draperies. “How do you want to do this?” I ask her, referring to learning drapery making from her. She replied, “Come to my house on Monday morning. I’ll start a pair of draperies from the beginning. You can watch, take notes and help me.” “I’ll see you Monday morning “, I say. Chapter Thirty-One In Business 1969-1971 My basement is not huge, but it works perfectly for my purpose. One side is a rec room with a sofa, chairs and TV. That’s where Shorty, the kids and I spend our evenings, watching television, reading the paper, watching the girls play with their toys. After the business gets going, I save my hand sewing work to do while I’m sitting on the couch watching TV. On the other side of the basement, the furnace, washer and dryer are at one end, the other end becomes my workroom. Shorty makes my worktable. It is 4’ wide by 12’ long. I put it along the wall, just far enough away from the wall to allow me to get between it and the table to work with the fabric. I buy a blindstitch machine for the hems and use my regular machine for the rest of the sewing process. At first, I go to Maxine’s to pick up the fabric and orders, make them at my house, then take the finished product to Maxine’s house for the installer to pick up. I enjoy the work, the precision of everything works for me. It’s not too long before the owners start bringing the fabric and orders to me directly and the installer picks up the finished draperies from my house. I like this job. I can work whenever I want to, and if I must take care of my family I can. This is perfect. One day Gene Sabo, one of my bosses, brings me a roll of fabric and an order for a bedspread. “But I don’t know how to make bedspreads, and Maxine doesn’t know how to make anything except draperies!” I exclaim. He leaves the fabric along with other orders and said he’d be back. The next day he comes back to my workroom and hands me a book on how to make bedspreads. I struggle through their directions, getting a feel for how they do it and adapt it to the specs that Gene left with me. It takes me forever, but I get it figured out and complete the bedspread. That is the beginning of my learning the business. Soon I am making swags and jabots, balloon shades and valances. I never say no. If they have a customer who wants it, I make it. Whatever it was. Pretty soon I am working for another designer, Donna, who has heard about my skills. I need to hire someone to help me. “Hey, Ruth Ann, would you be interested in a job?” I asked my sister. “you can come over after the kids go to school and help me make draperies.” By now, Ruth Ann has four kids, Danny has a good paying job, and all is well with them. She agrees to work for me. She is a great help, we measure, cut and sew together, chatting a lot. I’m happy, in fact everyone seems to like the new me. I’m very busy but I’m always home for the kids and Shorty. I have a good relationship with the installer, Bill. He picks up the finished product and installs it in the customer’s house. If there’s a problem, he brings it back for me to fix. Sometimes it's something I’ve done wrong, or it was measured wrong. I learn a lot during these two years. In fact, I’ve hired another girl, Barb, to help, so my basement is getting crowded. Chapter Thirty-Two Store Front 1972 I find a place to rent on Oakland Park Ave, right next door to Yolanda’s Restaurant. The space is great, all open with a small office at the back and an attached garage. Shorty makes a couple more worktables, and tables to go around the sewing machines. By then I have a commercial straight stitch, blindstitch, serger and a tacker. I make a small showroom in the front just in case I get retail customers. At the back, in front of the office we make an area for coffee breaks and lunch. I even have a time clock for the girls to clock in and out of work. My sister-in-law (Steve’s wife) Nancy is going to Ohio State University and taking business courses. She volunteers to come over in the evenings and she helps me set up the bookkeeping, tax reporting and everything that’s needed to run a small business. I don’t know what I would’ve done if not for her. Chapter Thirty-Three Quit Smoking 1973 One downside to having a regular business is I can’t smoke while I make draperies like I did at home. In my basement, on my table I have an ashtray. But here I must create a no-smoking rule, the customers will complain if their draperies smell like cigarettes. We can smoke at break time, but that’s not often enough for me. I decide to quit. Easier said than done, I find out. With Shorty also a smoker it’s going to be hard, but I do it. I haven’t had a cigarette for six weeks. Shorty has been working out of town for two weeks. He comes home on Friday night, on Saturday night he goes to bed before I do. I stay up late; I like to watch Johnny Carson on TV. I’m sitting there, enjoying the show and I notice he’s left his cigarettes on the end table right beside me. I think to myself, “Just one, I promise.” So, I smoke just one. Boy, did I enjoy it! The next weekend, the same thing happened. Before long, I was a full-time smoker again. The girls aren’t happy about it, and neither am I. I hate being so weak, but smoking is such a habit it’s hard to quit. A few days later, coming home from work, I smoke a cigarette while driving. I kept thinking, “Jane, you have to quit, it’s not good for you, you wake yourself up in the middle of the night coughing!” When I pull into our driveway, Liz sees me coming and runs out to meet me. I pull up to the garage and open my window. When she runs up to me, I hand her my partial pack of cigarettes without saying a word. She looks at me, realizing I was telling her I’m going to quit smoking. Her face lights up, she looks so happy! She knew I wanted to quit, and she was ecstatic! She takes the pack of cigarettes to the trash can which was right beside the garage. Without saying a word, she takes each cigarette out of the pack one by one, and tears them up, and dumps them into the trash can. I wish I could say I didn’t want to smoke anymore; I did. But every time I got the urge to pick up a cigarette, I pictured her face, how happy she was that I quit. I couldn’t start again; I couldn’t let her down. Chapter Thirty-Four Getting Clean 1974 I can’t believe I’ve been taking Valium almost ten years. My doctor tells me I must stop taking it, he cannot continue with any more prescriptions. I try to quit all at once, but I can’t. It’s like I turn into a monster. I decide to stop taking it gradually. I cut out just one pill a day, then two pills a day. It’s not easy, but I remember how hard it was to quit smoking and told myself I can do this. My kids don’t know how much I depend on the Valium, so I don’t ask for their help. In fact, I don’t think I confided in anybody what I was going through. After a couple of months, or more, I finally get drug free. It takes a while to adjust to the new me, but when I do, I look around and see what my life is really like. I know my parents’ marriage is not a happy one. Dad is an alcoholic and has trouble holding down a job. Mom has worked hard all her life; I don’t know if she’s happy or not. We are not close, but she always has dinner at her house every Sunday. That’s good because I enjoy getting together with my sister’s family and seeing my brother Steve. Johnny lives in Florida, so we don’t see him very often. At mom’s house, the kitchen and dining/family room are separated by a high countertop. Dad always sits there with a bottle of beer watching us but rarely participating in our conversations. The house is on Hoover Reservoir, which is great for canoeing or fishing. Dad and Shorty often fish there in the evening. They end up catching walleyes, which are over 20” long. I eventually learn how to fillet them, and we have some delicious fried fish dinners. Chapter Thirty-Five Ruth Ann-Beginning of the End 1974 Everything is going along well in the workroom. I have three employees now and we are very efficiently making draperies and valances, taking coffee and lunch breaks, all the perks of a regular business. We call it therapy, because we talk and share while we work. I’m not making much money, but it’s enough to pay the girls and taxes. I have Shorty’s income to take care of the bills at home. Looking back, I was so foolish, the way I set everything up. It was not a good business plan, for sure. Anyhow it worked for me. That is, until one morning in the fall of 1974. Ruth Ann was late for work. At first, I didn’t worry, after all she has four kids. Maybe one of them was sick. After a couple of hours she came in, I greeted her warmly, “Hi, is everything alright?” She said, “I need to talk to you in the office.” I wondered what was wrong, it had to be bad for her to act so cold and mysterious. We went into the office where she unloaded on me. I can’t remember what she said, but it was a scathing criticism of everything I’ve done to hurt her, real and imagined. She went on and on, then went into the workroom and told off Barb and Darlene just like she had done to me. Then she left. I was stunned, in tears. Barb and Darlene just looked at me with disbelief! I did not know what to tell them. “I’m going to call Danny and see what he says.” I tell them. I go into my office and call him. When he answers I say “Danny, Ruth Ann was just in here and she told me off. Then she went in the workroom and told off Barb and Darlene!” I was still sobbing. “What is going on?” He said, with kind of a chuckle in his voice, “Don’t worry, she’s going through some stuff, but we’re taking care of it.” I didn’t realize it at the time, his attitude was not easy-going like I thought. It was entitlement. He thought he knew everything and was so much better than her. And everyone else. “But what is the problem?” I ask. “We’re going to find out, I’ll let you know when we do.” Ruth Ann never came back to work for me. The doctors decided she was manic-depressive. They loaded her up with pills, sometimes she was all right, other times not so good. Back then, I took anything a doctor would say as the gospel truth. It wasn’t easy through. I had a hard time accepting that diagnoses. We weren’t as close after that; I had to work long hours and take care of my family. I felt a rift between us after the workroom disaster. At first, she just stayed home, trying to adjust to her situation. She was miserable. Danny worked long hours, and she found out that he had a girlfriend on the side. Their youngest child Mike was sixteen years old, so the household was basically able to run without her. One morning when everyone was gone, she put a “Do not disturb” sign on her bedroom door, locked it and took a large number of pills. Hours later Mike came home from school and went up to his bedroom. He saw the “Do not disturb sign” on her door, so he left her alone and started doing his homework. He thought he heard something coming from her room. He went into the hall and stood outside of her door and listened. “Help me” he heard from inside. He tried to open the door, but it was locked. He called his dad, who rushed home, unlocked the door and found Ruth Ann alive but unconscious. They called for help, and she was taken to the hospital. They were able to keep her alive, but it took her awhile to get everything out of her body. Danny called me, “Jane, your sister is in the hospital, she tried to kill herself with pills, but Mike found her when he got home from school.” “Oh no, Danny, I’m so sorry to hear that! I’ll go over tonight to see her. Thanks for letting me know.” I asked Terri if she wanted to go with me, she said yes. After dinner, Terri and I went to visit Ruth Ann. She was in Riverside Hospital. I drove to the hospital, parked in the parking lot which is huge, and you must pay to park, which was fine with me. I am very concerned; I don’t know what I’ll find when we get to Ruth Ann’s room. She is in a small ward, maybe four beds. She greets us and for a while it seems like she’s okay. But the more she talks the more I realize that her grasp on reality has slipped a little. She tells us a story about how the nurse was trying to trick her, but Ruth Ann knew better and thought it was funny. Terri and I pretend that she’s okay, we stay and keep her company until it’s time to leave. After we leave her room and before we get to the elevator, I sit down on a bench in the hallway and start to cry. Terri sits down beside me and comforts me until I can get past this pain. It’s so hard to see my sister like this, she’s always been the pretty one, the smart one, the one who married the correct guy, she is my role model, the one I’ll never be able to catch up with. There are no words, my world is crashing and I’m drowning. Finally, I get up and we go home. Ruth Ann and Danny separate. She rents an apartment; Danny and the kids are keeping the house. Mom and I go to Ruth Ann’s house to help her move her personal things into the apartment. Before we get very far, Ruth Ann breaks down and stays in the bathroom while Mom and I take her stuff to our cars. Finally, mom and I get her all settled into her new apartment. She took some college courses and was able to be certified as a respiratory therapist. I was so proud of her, but she still had problems. It was hard for her to act normal. When she went out of her home, she had to try hard to act normal, it wasn’t easy for her. The pills she took helped only for far. |
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