A mad scientist creates a gore-thirsty bunny.
This is what happens to you when you’re in college, broke, and easily amused. You sit around with your friends, taking shots of tequila, and you come up with some really stupid stuff. But now, lucky folks, I share the werebunny saga with you!
|The mad scientist, her hair frizzed at least a foot in every direction, rubbed her hands maniacally as she watched the pale yellow bubble float up to the surface of the hot red liquid. Tonight was the night. Years of research had finally paid off, and she was soon to realize her goal. Already, she was rehearsing the speech she would give when they gave her the Nobel Peace Prize.
As she stared at the strange brew before her, a hunched figure stirred from the shadows. A young man, his back bent and twisted, lurched toward the mad scientist. When he was finally beside her, he croaked, “Master!” The mad scientist, dreaming of a world at her feet, did not even hear him. The man cleared his throat, and in a much clearer voice, said again, “MASTER!”
Dr. Samantha Master shook herself from her daze. “What?!” she demanded, irritated from being stirred from her daydream. “You got hypnotized by the lava lamp again.” he replied. Dr. Master looked at the lava lamp sitting at her desk and laughed, “So I did. Thanks, Bob.” She glanced over to her assistant and whistled, “Wow. Did you pull your back out again?” Bob nodded mournfully. “Well, here, let’s straighten you up.” Dr. Master put her fist against the small of Bob’s back as he straightened. His popping spine sounded like a machine gun, but at last he was able to stand. “Thank you, Master” he said. Dr. Master patted him on the back, “No problem, Bob. Now, let’s get to work!”
The two stood before the contraption that Dr. Master had built so many years ago. In the center of shiny red buttons, tubes, wires, flashing lights, and leather strapping (don’t ask), was a silver, egg-shaped container. “Think of it, Bob,” she murmured, “every year, at Easter, parents give their children bunny rabbits. But the children almost never keep the poor bunnies. They either don’t take care of them, or they wind up selling them back to the pet shop. It’s not fair. Just because a bunny isn’t a traditional pet! How do we solve this dilemma, Bob?” Bob opened his mouth to answer, but Dr. Master continued her ranting, “I tell you how, Bob! By making the bunny cuter! We’ll make the bunny so cute and fluffy that no child will be able to resist having one! The bunny will replace dogs and cats! Everyone will want a bunny! Everyone, I say!” Bob watched as Dr. Master rubbed her hands together. “Uh, Master…aren’t bunny rabbits already really cute and fluffy?” Dr. Master’s eyes began to blink rapidly, and Bob watched as her face convulsed into three or four different expressions. This went on for a minute or so. Finally, she replied with, “Shut up, Bob!” Bob lowered his head, “Sorry, Master.”
Dr. Master began punching buttons, and the contraption began to hum and vibrate. As she did so, Bob leaned in closer to Dr. Master’s ear. “You know,” he said, “it’s a really nice night tonight. There’s even a full moon. How about after we finish with the experiment, you and I go out to Lookout Point?” Dr. Master, not really paying attention to Bob, grunted out her reply, “Uh, yeah, sure, whatever.” Bob continued, “Great! Then after that, let’s elope. I want you to have my children.” Dr. Master, oblivious, nodded her head, “Sounds good, Bob. Put that on my calendar, will you?” Just then, the seal broke open on the container.
“This is it!” Dr. Master cried, “My moment of glory!” Bob and Dr. Master stared as the lid raised. Bob gasped. “Oh, my God!” he shouted as he looked inside, “It worked, Master!” Dr. Master was laughing as any good mad scientist should, “Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
The rabbit was truly the most irresistibly adorable bunny that ever existed. It's long silken ears lay luxuriously against the rabbit's thick, soft fur. They watched as the bunny looked up at them with its huge eyes, the light reflecting perfectly from them. Bob, unable to resist himself, reached into the container to pet the lovely creature. “Wait!” shouted Dr. Master as she grabbed Bob’s hand. Startled, Bob asked her, “What is it, Master? What’s wrong?” Dr. Master smiled, “I get to pet it first! It’s my experiment.” Bob, rolling his eyes, snatched his hand away. Dr. Master began to reach inside the container to pick up the bunny. Just as she did, the bunny began to transform.
The bunny’s huge eyes began to narrow to evil slits. It’s delicate little nose grew longer, larger, and it’s soft and fluffy hair began to bristle and tangle. The now menacing bunny opened it’s mouth to reveal sharp, pointy teeth. Growling, the bunny prepared to leap out from the container.
|The next day, little Sally was reading the comics in the newspaper while she sat at breakfast, nibbling on a piece of toast.
Her mother sighed as she sat down next to her, "Honey, I wish you wouldn't read the paper at the table." She took the paper away from Sally, neatly folding it and setting it down.
"Aw, Mom. Daddy always reads the paper at breakfast."
Her mother wasn't paying attention as she noticed the headlines on the front page for the first time. Mysterious lab accident leaves two dead. She began reading the story, muttering softly to herself, "Why, that's at the University, just down the street..."
"Hey!" Sally glared at her mother, "Now you're reading the paper at the table. No fair!" No longer hungry, Sally pushed her plate away and got up, heading towards the front door. If Mother wasn't going to pay attention to her, she'd just go outside and play with Jessie, her next door neighbor.
As Sally opened the door, she emiited a little shriek of delight. Sitting on the front porch looking up at her was the most irresistably adorable bunny she'd ever seen. Sally reached her hand out to pet it...
|"I guess so Sally" She responed. The bunnies eyes became slender slits and nostrils flared in delight. The family left the room for a second to prepare it a bed. When they returned it was gone. Sally...now see what happens when you leave the front door open? The mother closed the door and the family sat down for dinner. Sally cried in her chair "I wanted the bunny momey." was all that she could say. Meanwhile Daddy was carving the turkey for everyone. He took the knife skillfully slicing a piece from the breast. The meat fell aside and Daddy passed it to his little Sally. About that time the Turkey took on the appearance of Mr. Spock from the Star Trek series. Long pointed ears poked out one side. Just as the daddy was poised to carve another piece...the turkey leaped into mid air and his knocked the carving knife backwards. It sliced through the top of Mommies hair. She immediately looked at her husband in a state of shock and replied....I thought you liked this hair-do you bastard! The husband had no time to speak as she hurled the large butcher knife burying it deep in his skull. The heated excitement of the violence the poor bunnie had just witnessed brought on a metamorphic change. Its breathing deepened and it grew hair everywhere. Yes...Even there. It develpoed large muscles so much so that the Turkey burst from around it. The wishbone pinned The daddy to the wall, forever a fixture in modern art. The little girl saw the results and ran outside screaming. (I'm not killing off a little girl no matter what you bloodthirsty viewers want ). When the police arrived...they entered a surreal scene never before witnessed in the anals of policework.
Officer Bob looked at the grisly scene....What do you think? Picaso?
After that they looked for the Rabbit but only found......
|But they only found the wife. "It was the rabbit!" she cried. "I swear it!"
As far as the police could tell, though, there had been no rabbit. There was only an insane, murderous wife, her dead husband, and their distraught (to say the least) daughter. But...
Far in the depths of the back yard, hidden deep in the shadows of the small bushes, the werebunnie watched with its sinister slit-eyes. It chuckled, satisfied with its infectious evil nature. What should it do next? It contemplated killing Sally, but that would might look suspicious, now that the mom was in custody. The rabbit may be insane and quite possibly rabid, but it wasn't stupid, damnit!
Just then, the bunnie felt a harsh hand on its fur. "Gotcha!"
|....the man's two children, Jenny and Mikey, came home from soccer practice to find a big cage adorned with a shiny red bow sitting on the kitchen table. The Werebunny sat sullenly in the cage, oblivious to the kids' excited shrieks of delight.
"Daddy! Daddy! A bunny! You got us a bunny!" eight-year-old Jenny squealed, throwing her arms around her pleased father. "Such a cute bunny, too! I'm going to name her Fluffy!"
"Well, honey, I think the little fella's a boy," her father explained, a bit embarrassed. "I don't think he'd like to be called Fluffy. Why don't we think of a different name?"
Mikey, who was two years older than his sister, marched up to the cage and peered inside. The Werebunny peered back at him, twitched his cute little nose, and shook his head so that his silky, adorable ears flopped around charmingly. "Yo, bunny man!" Mikey said, poking his finger into the cage. "I think we should call you Slugs. Ya know, like Bugs Bunny, only gross."
He waggled his suntanned finger around in the cage. The Werebunny resisted the urge to bite the little brat. Maybe later, he thought sadistically. Instead, the Werebunny allowed the boy to tug at his ears and thump him a couple of times on his nose.
"Eeeew! Slugs Bunny? That's stupid. I wanna call him Fluffy! That's a cool name, even for a boy bunny!" Jenny was screeching. She folded her arms across her chest and stared defiantly at her brother. Obviously, the "name the bunny" battle wasn't going to come to an end anytime soon.
"All right. Enough bickering, kids," said their mother, who had just entered the kitchen. "Listen, your father and I cleared out a space on the back porch for the bunny's cage. Why don't you take Fluffy or Slugs or whatever you want to call him out there? I need to start getting supper ready."
"No! I wanna keep him in MY room!" Jenny complained, scowling.
"The bunny stays outside, or we take him to your Uncle Peter's farm," her father said firmly. "Now do as your mother says, kids. Take your new friend outside."
Still protesting, the kids each grabbed a side of the cage and took the Werebunny outside, where a spot was waiting on the covered porch. "I'm gonna sneak him in my room tonight," Jenny confided to her brother, squatting by the cage and looking in at the precious bunny.
"Whatever," Mikey said. He was already losing interest in the bunny. Man, why couldn't Dad have brought home some rats? Or a skunk. Something cool, not like this sissy bunny rabbit! He kicked at the cage with his sneaker. "Dumb rabbit," he said. "If my sister likes you so much, you're definitely not all that!"
"Shut UP, moron!" Jenny howled. She stood up and pushed her brother, and the two of them got into one of their famous shouting matches. Finally, their parents had to some outside and drag them into back into the house. The Werebunny, for the time being, was forgotten.
Or at least he thought he'd been forgotten. Little did the Werebunny know that something had been peeking at him from within the bushes of the family's back yard. Once the coast was clear of humans, the something hopped up to the Werebunny's cage and looked inquisitively inside.
The Werebunny's evil little heart began to pound with a new emotion. Staring in at him was the most beautiful girl bunny in the whole, entire world. She was covered with soft, thick, white fur, and her eyes sparkled with desire. The Werebunny felt the same way as she obviously did. Love at first sight!
Unspoken messages flashed between the two bunnies as Girlbunny placed her pink nose beneath the latch of the cage and pushed it up. The Werebunny, seeing that the door was now unlatched, pushed it open and hopped out. He wouldn't show his evil side to Girlbunny. No. He didn't want to scare away the mother of his future Werebunny children!
He tentatively hopped over to Girlbunny and nuzzled her pretty pink nose with his own. She blinked happily and let the Werebunny playfully chase her out of the back yard, through the suburban streets, and into a dense thicket of trees on the outskirts of town.
|Inspector Reynolds looked up as the evil, high-pitched howl reverberated through his open window. That’s strange, he thought to himself, I never heard a dog howl like that before. The howl ended before he could focus on its direction, and with a shake of his head, he returned to his paperwork. Three grisly murders in two days—a record for the small University town he lived in. Not that the murders posed any real challenge. The latest was obviously a whacked-out woman wanting insurance money. The University murders also involved a missing science project, and Inspector Reynolds chalked it up to a research rival. Open and shut, both of them. When was he ever going to get a challenge?
Inspector Reynolds looked at the crime scene photos for the University murders and shivered. It wasn’t the blood caked walls or the miscellaneous body parts scattered across the floor that caused him discomfort. Rather, it was the fairly innocuous-sounding statement typed at the bottom of the photo. Missing: One rabbit. A rabbit. Why did the murders have to involve a rabbit? Inspector Reynolds slammed the photograph face-down on his desk, his skin practically crawling off his bones. Ever since that summer on his Grandparent’s farm…
The inspector was interrupted from his reverie when Officer Bob knocked on his door. “What!” he exclaimed irritably. “Sir, there is someone here to see you. He says it’s urgent. He says he has some info about the University murders.” Inspector Reynolds motioned with his hand, and Officer Bob stood aside to let the visitor in. The visitor, his hair frizzed out at least a foot in every direction, shoved past Officer Bob and immediately shouted, “Inspector! We are all in terrible danger! We must act quickly before more lives are lost!” Officer Bob, eager to let the inspector deal with the nut case, left the room and shut the door behind him. Gee, thanks Bob, thought Inspector Reynolds.
Sighing, Inspector Reynolds leaned back in his chair and replied to his visitor’s bold statement, “All right, all right. Let’s start from the beginning, OK? First of all, who are you, and what does this have to do with the University murders?” Energetically, the man answered, “Oh, sorry! My name is Dr. Samuel Master. I’m Dr. Samantha Master’s twin brother. Uh, we’re fraternal twins.” The inspector nodded his head, “OK, Dr. Master…” Dr. Master waved his hand at Inspector Reynolds, “Oh, no, Inspector. You don’t have to be so formal with me. You can just call me Master.” Inspector Reynolds blinked. “Doctor, could you please get to the point?” Dr. Master began pacing, “Of course! Of course, what am I thinking! Time is precious, it may already be too late. I’m here about my sister’s research project. She was trying to genetically engineer the perfect bunny rabbit, and I’m afraid it might have gone awry.” Dr. Master paused to slam his fist on Inspector Reynolds’ desk, “I TOLD that nut that pig and elephant DNA just don’t mix! ‘Use otter DNA’ I told her. But would she listen to me? No! She never listened to me! I’m 2 minutes older, but she thought she knew more than me! And now this—she’s dead and her perfect little bunny is on the loose and killing! We must stop it, Inspector! We must!”
In spite of himself, Inspector Reynolds shivered at the mention of a psychopathic bunny. But, as he was not very inclined to be the laughingstock of the police force, the inspector decided to get a grip on the situation. “Whoa, whoa. Now just hold on one minute. Are you trying to tell me that this rabbit killed your sister and her assistant?” Happy to be dealing with someone who understood him, Dr. Master began jumping up and down with excitement. “YES! Inspector, yes, that is EXACTLY what I’m trying to tell you! We have to organize a search party immediately. We must capture the bunny! Capture the bunny, I say!” Dr. Master was beginning to worry the inspector. “Now, just hold on, Doctor. Alright, for argument’s sake let’s say that you’re right, and there’s a killer rabbit on the loose. But do we really need to organize a huge search party? I mean, there is game on tonight, and it’s only one little bunny. We could put up pictures, put out an alert to the public…”
Dr. Master shrieked laughter and began pulling on his hair, “Pictures! An alert! Inspector, I’m afraid that just won’t cut it! Don’t you understand? Don’t you get it?” Dr. Master began pacing again, “One little bunny he says. ONE LITTLE BUNNY! I know what you’re thinking. ‘What harm can one little bunny do?’ Well, I’ll tell you Inspector. I’ll tell you what harm one little bunny can do.” Dr. Master paused his pacing to lean close to the inspector. “Inspector, surely you’ve heard the expression “Fu…”
Dr. Master was cut off midsentence as Officer Bob hit him on the back of the head with a blackjack. Unconscious, Dr. Master slumped to the floor. “Whew!” exclaimed Inspector Reynolds, “I owe you one, Bob.” Officer Bob shrugged, “No problem, sir. I heard him ranting and raving down the hall, figured you could use a hand. What was he talking about, anyway?” Inspector Reynolds stood and began collecting his things. Only a half hour before the game started! “I have no idea,” he replied to Officer Bob’s question, “I just know that this man is completely deranged. Stick him in the cell with that other wacko, the woman that offed her husband. They can sit there and entertain each other with bunny stories all night long.” Officer Bob grabbed Dr. Master’s feet and began dragging him down the hall. “Whatever you say, sir!”
|Later that night Inspector Reynolds tossed and turned in his sleep. He was having the dream again, and as always it seemed so real. Reynolds was a young boy again, spending the summer at his Grandparent's farm. He had met the girl of his dreams that summer; she was a young girl named Sally who lived down the road, and late one night Reynolds had sneaked off to be with her.
They had met down by the small stream that ran behind his Grandparent's farm, and after walking for a while, they decided to rest at the edge of a vast cornfield.
This was where the dream always turned weird. Instead of reliving his first kiss with Sally, they heard a noise, far off in the cornfield, and immediately they ducked down.
"What is it, Linus?"
"Sssshhhh!!! Reynolds looked at Sally for a moment, then turned as the dark figure slowly rose from out of the cornfield.
A low voice rumbled towards them. "I am the Great Pumpkin. Follow me and all your dreams will be fulfilled."
Reynolds and Sally found themselves floating in the air, following the Great Pumpkin as he flew, faster and faster, towards the middle of the cornfield. Suddenly he disappeared, descending into the corn, and as Reynolds and Sally approached they saw a small clearing. Snoopy was there, dancing in the middle of a ring formed by bunny rabbits, who were also dancing.
"Bunnies!" Sally shrieked with delight as she flew into their midst. The bunnies stopped dancing as they looked up at her, and a few moments later they leapt up, snarling viciously as they attacked her.
She looked at Reynolds, her eyes pleading as she screamed, but all he could do was stand there, paralyzed with fear. Suddenly the bunnies were chasing him, flying in the air with Snoopy at the lead, laughing maniacally. Reynolds ran as fast as he could, but it felt like he was going in slow motion, and no matter what he did he couldn't speed up.
Suddenly a hole appeared in front of him, and Reynolds found himself falling, faster and faster, unable to stop. He finally hit the bottom of the hole, and standing up he brushed himself off. Reynolds looked around. He was in a small hallway, lined with doors, and sitting on a small table was a plate with a slice of cake, and a note laying beside it. Scrawled on the note was the message Eat me.
Suddenly Reynolds woke up, amazed to find himself at home in bed. He shook his head, "I hate that dream!"
|The next morning, Dr. Samuel Master had calmed down considerably, so he was released. "Police brutality!" Master muttered as he stomped down the front steps of the police station. "I could have you buffoons arrested for this, you know." He rubbed the side of his head, which was still smarting from its encounter with Officer Bob's blackjack. "I was only trying to warn you about the bunny --"
"Aw, save it for your shrink!" Reynolds interrupted. The word bunny sent a chill down his spine. He remembered his nightmare and gulped. That dream had been crazy enough for him! He didn't need to hear the rantings of this frizzy-haired lunatic!
"I don't need a shrink, fool," Master responded, getting into his beat-up old car. "You're the one who needs psychological evaluation for not believing me. Once you see for yourself what that bunny can do, you'll find yourself blubbering away in a padded cell!" He flashed Reynolds a dirty look before gunning the motor and speeding off down the road.
Reynolds stared after him, his mouth agape.
THE NOT-SO-DISTANT FUTURE
Dr. Master sat on the front porch of his little house in the countryside, the morning paper spread across his knees. Ever since the scene at the police station, the news had been free of grisly murders. Today was no exception. "Thank goodness," Master muttered to himself as he scanned the benign headlines. "Maybe that Werebunny ended up as roadkill. We can only hope!"
Finished with his morning coffee, Master put the paper down and stood up. "What a glorious day!" he said, raking a hand through his frizzed-out mane of hair. "I think I'll go for a walk! Nothing nicer than a brisk stroll on a morning such as this!"
He grabbed his fashionable white lab coat from the chair beside him and put it on as he began his leisurely walk. His house was very isolated, and he was glad for that. He didn't want nosy neighbors poking around the many experiments he conducted on a regular basis!
Beyond that, though, he simply enjoyed the dense thickets of trees and natural vegetation that surrounded his modest home. He considered this a reality check after dabbling all day in things that defied (and in some cases, defiled) nature. Therefore, he enjoyed these walks, where his only companion was Mother Nature herself.
Today, though, things seemed different. An almost-sinister veil of silence hung over the wooded area through which Master was now walking. Every now and then, he heard an odd rustle, rustle, but he couldn't determine the source of the noises. "Hello?" he called out, his voice uncertain. "Is anyone there?"
No response except for more rustling, which seemed even louder and closer than before.
Master stood silently, his eyes straining to find whatever was making that spooky sound. He didn't know he was being watched from all directions. Little red eyes, dozens of them, peered at him from deep within the foliage around him.
Suddenly, a small, long-eared creature thumped out from behind a tree and hopped right up to the trembling doctor.
"The Werebunny!" Master whispered, staring down at the evil-looking rabbit. Before he could form another coherent thought, another bunny hopped out to join the Werebunny. This "normal" bunny gazed at the Werebunny adoringly, her eyes sparkling with what could only be bunny passion.
The Werebunny tore his gaze away from Girlbunny, threw back his head, and let loose an eerie, guttural noise. A signal. From out of the foliage burst dozens of miniature bunnies, all of whom obviously took after their Werebunny daddy.
"Oh, dear!" Master screamed, turning to run for his life. "The Werebunnies have multiplied!"
|In an instant, Master was covered with the cuddliest and sharped-toothed puff-balls he'd ever seen. Soon he was like Capt. Kirk encased in tribbles. Swinging his arms around wildly, he swept the fuzzy biting bunnies from his body. One especially spunky bunny, one that was covered with random patches of white and black fur, jumped up and began gnawing at Master's neck. Papa Rabbit looked upon his bundle of joy proudly. But Master grabbed it and flung it into the foliage. Papa Rabbit's eyes narrowed to their evilest as Master ran screaming back to his house. The rest of the bunnies moved to follow him, but Papa Rabbit twitched his nose. Obediently, the bunnies stayed put. Mama Rabbit cuddled up closer to her man and blinked up at him. The woman was a machine! But that suited Papa Rabbit just fine...his army could only grow!
Swerving uncontrollably over the roadways, Master rushed to the police station. Over and over he repeated to himself, "werebunnies, ohmygodwerebunnies." He hated it when he was right! Actually, deep down he loved it, gave him a sense of power and superiority, but did he even have to be right about the really bad pain-in-the-ass stuff too? By some miracle, he managed to make his way to the police station without killing anyone or causing any major damage. That changed when he crashed into the police car as he frantically tried to park. Ignoring the enraged expletives that exploded from the car's occupant, Master shoved his way into the building.
Like everyone else, Reynolds ran to the front of the small police station as the sound of crashing glass surrounded the building. He arrived in time to see none other than Dr. Master burst into the police station. Looked like pepto bismol was lunch today.
"DETECTIVE REYNOLDS THE RABBIT HAD BUNNIESANDTHEYATTACKEDME..."
Officer Bob raised his black jack, but Reynold held up a cautionary hand. Reluctantly, Officer Bob lowered the small black beanbag.
"Dr. Master. I was hoping...why don't you step into my office?" Reynolds couldn't stand the stares the other officers were giving him.
"NO!!!," howled Master. "You refused to listen to me last time, now everyone must hear me! The mutant rabbit that my twin sister created in her lab has reproduced and produced savage bunny offspring. This entire town is in danger. We must hunt down these werebunnies before anyone is seriously injured or killed!"
In dead silence, everyone present stared at maddened Master. Even the rumble of traffic had ceased for a moment. Then, a delicate snicker was heard in a far off corner. It was the spark that caused a gigantic chain reaction of laughter.
Dr. Master reddened. "I'm not mad, I tell you! You must believe me! You are all in danger!"
"Alright, Alright...I said knock it off, Spinelli!! Joke's over. Look, Dr. Master..."
Reynolds never finished his sentence. He paused as he noticed a small bulge in one of Dr. Master's coat pockets; it was moving. In growing horror, the tiniest bunny ears began to poke out, then horrible beady eyes blinked knowingly at him.
"Oooooh! That is so adorable! Sir, please, let me hold it!" exclaimed an elderly lady, who was there visiting her grandson.
Jerking in surprise, Master saw the small stowaway as it peaked out of his jacket pocket. It's tiny nose was beginning to curl up, as if it was growling.