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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/campfires/item_id/1852908-Letters-I-Cant-Send
Rated: 13+ · Campfire Creative · Letter/Memo · Comedy · #1852908
Write a letter to someone you would never actually send.
[Introduction] Write a letter you can't send, but wish you could.
It can be to someone historical, your pet, a fictional character. It can be sincere or funny (or both!)

If you were deleted in error, please e-mail me to request an invite, if you wish to re-join. Quite a few people seem to have dropped off of the list of invites. !?!
Dear Brain,
I would appreciate it if would fix your filing system. While sitting in class trying to think of an answer to a question I do not need to mumble things about plants and tapeworms and cysts before finally yelling "Hydatid Cyst Fluid". Sure, you arrived at the correct answer, but I wasn't fond of how you got there. And why is it you can remember obscure medical facts but not the important bits? Please try to be better organized.

Thanks,
Your Body
A Non-Existent User
         Dear Stinky McArmpits,

         Please put on some deodorant and/or take a bath. This morning, you leaned across my desk, and a cloud of funk escaped your sweaty arm cave and punched me in the nose. I recommend something with a strong anti-perspirant, as well. You may also consider taping a roll of paper towels under each arm, for absorption. After that, a shot of Febreeze to each pit should neutralize any residual unpleasantness.

         I don't say this to be mean, quite the contrary. I say it as a humanist, who wishes to see others protected from your assault on the senses. Seriously, nobody should have to taste armpit odor.

Kindest regards,
Me
A Letter to Myself

I just graduate from high school. I have the world at my feet. In the next
ten years before I settle down I plan on during the following.

Travel to Paris to see the The Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame de Paris, The
Louver, The Arc de Triomphe and the night life.

Travel to Rome to see The Colosseum The Roma Forum The Fontana di Trevi and The Pantheon.

Travel to Greece to see The Parthenon The Acropolis, Delphi, and Athens.

Travel to Hawaii to see paradise to see a state that was a country. To see
The North Shore The Maui Ocean Center and The USS Arizona Memorial.

Travel to Las Vegas for what else.

Note to Myself. Don’t send this letter. My happiness or what every in
ten years should not depend on a ten year old letter.
A Non-Existent User
Dear Sir

I was trying to dodge you! Of course, I was. Why else would I walk through a thorny bush, hide in a mosquito infested room and run with arm-breaking armload of books! You weren't supposed to find out and if it wasn't for that stinking tale-tell Lavish you wouldn't have found. Sorry if it appeared rude but you are so very prone to lecturing and jibing fits that I would really like to not see you for sometime!

Dear math teacher

I hate math. We all hate math. And we know that you know that we all hate math. How do you not hate math? I guess you were struck with the same unfortunate disease that my dad was struck with. Mathetitas. It must be horrible to like math. To like something that other people hate you for liking and being good at. I just want you to know that I’m sure there’s a place you can get help from, to overcome this tragic part in your life. And even though once you realize that math is an evil thing you’ll probably want to quit your job, don’t feel bad. I’m sure we will somehow get along without you (and your math).

Sincerely,

Your failing student
Past Member 'nick133'
Dear Mr Don Revie (England football manager 1974-78, RIP 1989)

When I saw you at that training camp you told me to "Make sure that I got a good education, because I would never make it as a professional footballer". Well Mr Revie, you were quite right, I didn't make it. I just wanted to apologize for telling you to "Drop dead". I never thought for one minute that you would take me quite so literally.

Yours sincerely Nick (semi pro footballer).
A letter I wish I could send

To the primary copyright provider of this country

I worked hard on a manuscript a science fiction story that I hope is original I send it to you to make sure and to acquire a copyright for it if I have violated any copyright laws please send back and tell me where I have violated so I may correct and resend to you for the copyright permit

Sincerely anonymous
Dear Namesake,

Thank you for ignoring me long enough to make me realize what an ass I've been. But what you don't realize is that I'd continue to be an ass just to get a little recognition from you. I've degraded myself to the level of a hopeless romantic, behaving like a teenage girl dreaming about her Prince Charming. Thank you for making me so incorrigible that I wait for my 'knight in shining armour' at every bend in the road. The only issue is, when will I gain the elevated status of being a 'damsel in distress' to you?
The only way I'll ever get over you is if I venture beyond the horizon.

Unrequited Love,
Horizon.
Dear new boss,

Where do you go to buy all those perfectly fit cloth, beautiful yet manly aroma and ravish watches? What do you use to keep that body toned, healthy, welcoming and cuddly? How do you always keep that cool and confident expression when you’re under the gun? Why do you always have that irresistible smirk when the deadline is coming fast and furious? Who will I daydream about and drool over once you’re gone? When can we meet for never-ending happy hours?

Yours truly,
An young, single, desperate and soon-to-graduate intern
Dear leaders of the world,

For thousands of your earth years, War has served the purpose of scientific advancement, you have sacrificed so many in the name of the Atom Bomb and explosives of many kinds. This pursuit has brought you to the moon, but cost you millions of your own, as well as semi-to-permanent damage upon the planet you reside. For your undying courage and sacrifice of countless souls in your scientific pursuit and advancements, I commend you. However, as natural disasters disturb your daily functions more, and more often, tensions as well as stagnant progress has swept across the globe and your race has seen significant suffering and decline since the great War's and battles have subsided.

Those you once had full control over, are starting to realize . . . something. Your effectiveness as world leaders has dwindled, and all major and or significant progress seems to have stalled. I propose a solution, I see a problem. You are the problem, no we are not going to invade and no we don't want your stinky oil filled oceans or disease and virus infested atmosphere, trust me, ridding the surface of your simple carbon based forms, would be as simple as: what is that Earth metaphor? Taking out the trash? flushing the toilet?

The problem with you, is this odd worship of God's you call them? Or deities. They have stalled and hindered your progress in the name of control. I assure you we have reached the vast edges of the universe, intelligent life is scarce and all to many times we have come across civilizations that has been terminated through self destruction. You are on the same path. Your 'peoples' are beginning to further acknowledge our presence, yet you still 'hold the sheet over their eyes', it is as if you are afraid. Too afraid to let go of the false answers in your face.

As a primitive race you saw one of your earliest visitations as Godly and divine. Now that your age of connection and technology begins it course, you seem to have trouble letting go of the past and looking forward to the future. Reading your earlier and recent history I discovered that: many thought that the water and oxygen clouds in your atmosphere WAS the Heavens. I chuckled. At first, I gave your race the 'benefit of the doubt' as you say, and I saw this as an analogy for space beyond that, and the universe beyond that. Recently you even made it to the moon, built an impressive space telescope the 'Hubble', you call it. You have gone beyond them and yet still believe your God's are swimming around in the clouds . . . many of my colleagues have called your race 'outright insane'.

This is the message I have for you: We have in fact have reached across vest distances of the universe; we have not come across any 'God' or deities only races similar your descriptions in ancient texts and those were severely inaccurate. However, your frame of reference at the time was limited. The people of your planet should know what they are beginning to realize; that they are the only ones responsible for their destinies, we are the only 'Gods' out here. Please don't worship us; your race is prone to such extreme idiocies. Those 'Gods' included you at one time. So you have two choices, keep looking up at the bottom of our feet, or come up here and join us in the great journey of discovery.

War evolves over time and for a time it has served your purposes. Not anymore, it is that simple. You no longer need War in order to drive your advancements. Now band together in peace and common pursuit and as per your cheesy saying: reach for the stars.

A fair warning however, if you in any way attempt to weaponize space, bring your monkey Wars or primitive little monkey weapons into space; you will be completely irradiated. We only care for intelligent minds, not hostile races that seek to pounce on the weak and defenseless. If you ignore our warning, you find out quickly, just how weak and defenseless YOU are. . . .

Now go forth in the name of science and peace. Your evolution and continued existence is dependent on it. . . .


Dear Ancients,
Oh how I miss you all, you gave me life from one generation to the next. Though I knew so little of you. Grandma C, you kept me safe and taught me how to love. Grams you taught me how to brew and how to be and loved me dearly. Grandfather C you taught me about god and even the devil. My dearest father, you were my strength, my light and my life. You taught me that it was okay to be me for I am just like you. Many a time my daughters tell me how much they miss you and wish to have known you better. How I wish that too, the youngest knows nothing of you other than the stories we tell her, which are many and rich in history. I have started her brewing training and cooking skills with those comes along the tales of her ancients. Oh how I miss you all.
Love always,
Me
To my birth mother: You contacted me in 1993 but you have always been distant towards me. You say that you've never told my half brother and half sister that I exist and you don't know if you ever will. This seems very strange to me since you seem to be open to them about other things. I've accepted this but don't totally understand this unless there someting you're not telling me.

Sometimes I think that there are things that you've kept from me. Secrets. Sometimes I want to know and then others times I don't because perhaps it's something that I couldn't deal with or perhaps it would upset me but I'm an adult. I'm almost 50 years old.

Many of my friends tell me that I should confront you with these questions and many other questions. They tell me what do I have to lose? You might never talk to me again which is my fear. Somehow this thought is very troubling to me even though I don't really know you at all.

The last question I have is are you ashamed of me? In the early 1960's the sexual mores were much different than they are now. It seems like you are ashamed of me because to look at me (I look like my biological father and his family and look like I fit into his family.) and this causes a lot of pain.

At least I can say that the family that raised me didn't or don't care about this. They love me for who I am. It seems like you can't do this. Sincerely, you biological daughter Lucy.
A Non-Existent User
dear god,

i am tired of your indifference! wasnt all suffering for some higher(better?) purpose? wasnt all of this supposed to fall in place in the end?

instead i am crying my eyes out, dreading the future, and whining about everything under the sun!

(no) regards
babu
Dear Annoying Student,

Contrary to popular belief - there ARE stupid questions. Please shut up, and stop wasting valuable class time. Stop asking irrelevant questions mid-lecture when we are already behind schedule. It is worse when these questions are something you can easily look up. There are answers to your questions, they are found in something called a textbook. If that doesn't work, there is a magical thing called 'Google'. It isn't as if you are a new student; you've passed several other classes and should have a rudimentary grasp of human anatomy.

I have a hard time believing you are near graduation,
The Person Who Sits in Front of You
A Non-Existent User
Dear Computer,

I love you, you're addicting, you're great, but... why do you do this to me? You're always sick with a virus or you've broken down. I know that you're not perfect and maybe I should've upgraded you sooner, but don't you miss that great relationship we had? You've failed me so many times that, though it pains me to say this, you must be replaced.

Farewell,
Banging My Head Against The Keyboard
Dear faucet,


You know; I hate that you won’t shut the water off all the way. I hate that I get up in the middle of the night to find you running. Where are you trying to go? What is wrong with my hospitality? Do I not treat you right? What the hell? I went out of my way to get you a new washer, and you can’t stop running so I can have a night of peaceful sleep? What’s the problem? I always find you leaking all over the counter top. Is there just too much pressure? I don’t get it. Sigh, well there is good news and bad news. The Good news, is that I’m going to get a replacement for you tomorrow. The Bad news, is that I’m terminating our relationship. I just can’t do it anymore. I hope you understand this, and can get over this break.


Sincerely yours,

Chris

This may be realistically sensitive Harris all I can think of to add
Dear current ruling government of North America
I am a chubby chaser. However I do not speak for the whole of our world's chubby chasers. And I'm not trying to start up protesting movement. However I'm only asking this. Why isn't anything being done for us chubby chasers, do we have to hide always what we are pleased do something for us. I feel like were treated more as a threat than an outcast part of society and
Dear Future,

I know you're waiting for me to embrace you, and justly so, since you look quite bright, and are just what I wanted you to be. But I can't give you the happiness you deserve until I've made peace with the present, and moved past the past. I'm clinging to it in the hope that you include some elements of the past in you. I know you both don't get along that well, and have always been going your separate ways, but please make an exception for me.... just this one time. I cannot let go of the last 5 years. It's unfair on your part to ask me to bid farewell oh so callously.

Yours,
Clinger to the past.
These letters are great! =D I enjoyed reading them all. There are some sad-ones; well written nevertheless. I like "Dear Annoying Student" the best.

Dear Scale-Owners,

Don’t you know how hard it is to be me? I get stepped on years after years, during the day and night, by men and women, from little babies to naturally obsessed folks. I get cursed at when I showed the true numbers. When I turned down a few digits, then I get accused of being broken because she still can’t fit in size 4. I get thrown across the room if I was off my game and showed half a pound over; everyone makes mistake right? Now I’m being replaced by some young, high-tech, glass bottom with silver lining that can not only show weight “beautifully,” but also calories fat, body fat, muscle growth and whatever else…

Signed,
Broken scale….

© Copyright 2012 InkRose, xx-xx, acookk, xx-xx, zoe, Nick, nivekstar, horizon, cheesecaketops, Mr. Midnight, LG back to the writing board, baronesslucy, xx-xx, Lonewolf, (known as GROUP).
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