Rated: 13+ · Campfire Creative · Appendix · Dark · #1968330
The day my younger brother passed away.
People have the completely wrong idea about Tragedy, I'm going to be the one to prove it.
People have the completely wrong idea about Tragedy, I’m going to be the one to prove it.
What happened to my family & I on the day of August 30th 2013 is something that could be used as the end to a modern day indie film’s take on “tragic suburbia”. Like I have said several times the only thing in life that is similar to a movies portrayal of a real humans life & tragedy is death. My brothers death scene was a lot like or pretty exact to a death scene in a movie. There was no peaceful hospital scene in which balloons and flowers lined the persons hospital bed. Where every person gets a good three minute goodbye while holding the hand of the person about to pass on, everyone is left with a few good lasting words… The life support machine line goes flat, tears form & everyone meets at the closest diner to share good memories over coffee. Delegating funeral responsibilities & catching up on other things at the same time.
My mom, my dad & I didn’t get to say goodbye, we didn’t get our two minutes and final words. My mom and I went into his room to start bugging him about going to dinner with us like it was any other day and my mom let out a hollowing scream that I still feel in the pit of my stomach everyday, I left my body as I watched my moms porcelain starfish drop from the window and shatter on the floor. My mom ran down stairs to call my dad and I called 911 picked my baby brother right up from his bed a healthy 6ft 1 young man & i put him on the ground and began to give him CPR .. There was puking,some blood..
But I kept pushing. Saying camly, no no no no no case not today not today not today today isn’t the day no no no. I felt like I was watching the worst day of someone else’s life, & I was the supporting lead role. Puke, blood on my sweatshirt.. My own sweat, snot and smeared make up. My brother gave me the only thing he had left to give and it wasn’t in word form. The paramedics came pushed me off him I sat on the stairs looking into the mirror with no thoughts.
Finally they told us we could say our goodbyes to Casey 2 at a time because his room was small. My mom, my dad & I linked hands and walked up the stairs clenching eachothers hands tight. Where we got a minute each to hold my brother and run our hands thru his beautiful hair for the last time in our lives. I got a minute to say goodbye to the only person in this world that has my nose my exact freckling across his face, the same ears.. I said goodbye to a part of me.
They put my brother on a stretcher on our front lawn and my parents stayed inside but I watched it all. And just as the movies, cars began to roll in driving by slow as if this were a drive by accident, the next door neighbor that was with my brother that night made some serious progress in letting ppl know my brother was dead, covered in human fluids people saw me, no privacy no regard. In their eyes I was no longer their neighbor or Casey’s sister I was just some side show accident on the garden state parkway.
I hope when people read my account of this they think first before they slow down at accidents or spread news they have no right spreading. We didn’t need a standing ovation but I hope you all got what you needed at of it. Use me, use all of me.. My body and mind is an instrument that I offer up daily in hopes people learn how to act.
It’s funny because even at that time I was still able to look all of you in the eye, I remember every car make and model that drove by the scene of My family’s accident, ours. Not yours.
Every family has it’s ups and downs god dammit, they come in all shapes and sizes and if you weren’t interested in sharing a Christmas morning with us at our best, you sure as hell don’t deserve to drive by us at our worst. If that’s all you got to do man, glad you got your rocks off that day… You might be worse of then I am.
A lot of people showed up that night, comforting it.. We needed it. Are all those people still around, no but a good amount are around for my parents and that means more to me than having a huge following. My parents deserve that much after being the type of friends that would show up at their friends houses if it were the reverse situation. People that know my mother know that she works in a special Ed department and those kids are her life she loves them just as she loves my brother and I. When my moms around no one hurts those kids, no one tries to either. That’s the kind of women Casey and I came from. Natural protection instincts built in.
That first night when people left, I took a minute to sit on my garage floor and self reflect the first thought that came to my mind was “my life is over”, I looked at the corner of my garage where all my stuff was from my Brooklyn apartment and I said, Dara is done. I couldn’t even imagine a game plan for a come back, I could hardly stand up, talk, eat…. I thought for a minute I was going to spend the rest of my life in an institution, I had no idea what was in store for us. It was a very very scary thing. Uncertainty is the scariest of all feelings. I knew life for me in the town I grew up with would be forever changed the class clown who found her brother dead all of a sudden didn’t seem like a possibility, then there’s the “who wants to date that chick imagine how much she’s going to cry and be weird” I gained 1,000 lbs of baggage within an hour and even I didn’t know how I was going to react to it. I had a hard enough time trying to plan a trip to the refrigerator for a diet coke. I had no idea what was to become of Dara Low.
That night, for the first time in like over twenty years I slept in between my parents in their bed and my Mom rubbed my head and my dad hugged me and we cried as a family, we were confused, scared, disorientated and broken as a family, but we had eachother.
After that night I kinda knew we would at least be alright. We did that for about a week. I finally started sleeping in my own bed again. Going out, dealing.
Had a minor freak out session ran away to greenpoint and crashed on people’s couches, I tried to run but i knew I couldn’t. Called my parents told them to pick me up at the train.
We had some healing to do, together.
That week I heard of three more kids over dosing. It ignited something in me that was beyond my control. I remember the exact time that I decided I’d need to be the one to try, I was shaving my legs in the bath tub.
Things were not going to get any better, years of neglect has lead us to this point so unless someone started to vocalize it, every time for the rest of my life my heart would break just a little more with every new news on a child over dosing. Time would pass and one of those deaths were going to be the death of someone I grew up with’s child and this I could not deal with. I think the kids I grew up with have seen and dealt with enough, I think we all deserve the best and they deserve to have babies with out fear. This was the same time I said out loud to myself “omg you love people so much”, & to tell you the truth I kinda do. I really kinda do, I do really love kids and I think I’d be a hell of a mom too.
For all those who walked, thank you so much. With out your lack of empathy and patience you taught me the best lesson of my life. Because assholes like you exist out there people like me can start helping the right people out there. Like the food chain of humans, bottom feeders are needed just as much as anyone else. Give yourselves a few pats on the back, I’m going to show you how good you have done by me.
To my beloved Ex Boyfriend whom came to my rescue like a knight in shining armor & stood tall in his new suite broke my parents & my heart for the millionth time by walking out… over some pedi nonsense as fast as you could before I was able to prove you wrong. I’m glad that I didn’t chase you out that night because I have a feeling I would have been chasing you for the rest of my life & I don’t run for sport. Especially not for your cause. I think the words you last said were, “live well” & that I am. I have you to thank for some of it.
Since Cause for Casey started, there has been 0 recent deaths amongst teens that were drug related, I’m only getting started out here.
Thank you to everyone who has been there from the start and continues to root for me, I got the Vision and a purpose I was waiting for and without all of you none of it would be possible.
Thanks for keeping it real Jersey, I think we’re well on our way to really restoring it. Not much of a Hilary fan but, it does take a community.
Thank you to my aunts, uncles and cousins for coming back around I think it’s really cool and I think all of us can achieve anything.
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