Erotica Harem

Title: Young Blood

Chapter: One

Author: McK


Plot:
Susan Banes and her friend Brenda are on vacation in Paris (France) and enjoy their last day in a fancy restaurant.


Setting:
Your visuals are beautiful and came alive before my inner eye. I wanted to go there, too. You let us see the interieur of the restaurant and the surroundings of the terrace through the womens eyes. It's only a little difference, but the individual perception made them come alive.


Characters:
Susan is an independent, wealthy woman in her mid-forties. I didn't notice the "wealth"-part until you revealed at the end of the chapter. I'm not dumb, if you may think that. It's only that you gave Susan the same little problems (where the food they'll eat will end ) and worries (e.g. concerning her and the men) and weaknesses (her slight lack into cultural history ) or - really simple - the allergy. She doesn't behave like the typical rich woman and that makes her sympathic - I totally felt for her because of the "man"-issue. Despite all of her wealth and I guess quite good looking she seems to have the same problems like all women: approaching a man. She also seems to fear getting old (although 45 isn't THAT old) and rather therefore wants a younger man at her side - with him she'd feel longer younger and don't get old so fast. Hm, I wonder why Brenda talks about a loan when she knows about Susan's financial situation and it's understandable that she gets slightly pissed about that issue. She stays rather civilized though and doesn't e.g. shout at Brenda what shows that her friend means a lot to her. When hearing her breaking the conversation when the food arrives - she seems to feel relieved - it shows that she's somewhat humiliated by talking about the sensitive subject of her sex life. The separation from Brad was obviously quite impacting when she couldn't manage for over five years to at least get a date or lose friendship to a man.

Brenda seems to be someone who among other things likes to boast with her knowledge. She doesn't seem to notice however that this smart talking could be annoying.
Different to Susan Brenda doesn't seem to be so wealthy - does Susan at one point think that she's still taking like a school teacher? I guess she is one and accepted the offer of her wealthy friend to accompany her to Paris. It's obvious that Brenda's excited to be there, according to the way she admires the restaurant or the view, while Susan isn't that enthusiastic. I guess she only talks so much about the history of the city because she wants to impress Susan, to show her unconsciously that it was worth it to come with her, that she's culturally well-versed.

I'm a bit confused however: I have a good knowledge how both women functionate on a psychological plane, but I have no clear vision of their appearance, especially their faces.
Maybe you can let them walk by a mirrored wall or something and let them get a short glimpse of themselves. Maybe it's just me.


Grammar:

Hm, on some occasions you missed some quote marks, but other than that I noticed no punctuation errors.

There were some spots where you had an (for me) awkward formulation or missed a word.
But please remember: I'm no genius in English. I only write down the part of the sentence where the mistake is, but don't worry I act chronologically.

1) ... in a heavyTexas drawl. => separate "heavy" and "Texas"

2) He curled and finger. => He curled a finger. (Did you want to say that?)

3) ... when she held the back of her hand to her mouthand whispered...
=> separate "mouth" + "and"

4) "I want to see the view." => Sounds awkward; how about: "I want to enjoy the view"?

5) ... and put it in her handbag. => ... into her handbag.

6) The skin between Susan's brows rumpled.
=> quite awkward (for me); how about: "Susan frowned." or "Susan furrowed her brow." or so?

7) "It always had new ideas for the times, you know?"
=> a City District itself? Hm, what about: "It was always the cradle of new, innovative ideas that time, you know?" (I know it sucks, but I think you got the point.)

8) ... before she said another thing.
=> What about: ... before she adressed something else/ another subject.

9) "... if I ever do do anything." => the "do" is doubled. Is that intended?


Personal Opinion:

Hm, you brought me to a nice place and introduced me to a quite interesting person named Susan. Brenda hinted at some of her problems - of social nature - and I wonder what she'll do about them when she arrives back at home. Since it's only an intro to introduce the main character there's not much to say other than that I need more details about Susan's life. Hope you continue soon - interesting was this chapter in every case.


"The unnamed should not be taken for the nonexistent."

Catherine A. MacKinnon


Please check out and read first

STATIC

EVERYTHING'S IN HERE!  (E) A GUIDED TOUR THROUGH MY PORT #1292171 by Olivia got quilled

-
the gate to my port. Thank you.




** Image ID #1347927 Unavailable **