Erotica Harem

Item Reviewed: Southern Cross, Chapter 3
Author: Seawhippet
Reviewer: Bill, AKA Mathguy

General Impressions
Scott,

This is another great chapter. You continue with wonderful, poetic descriptions and have eliminated the adverbs and almost all of the passive voice. These two characters are great together and you weave the web of their emerging romance with the mystery of the story in a very engaging way. There's also some subtle references back to the prologue which enhance the mystery. The final sentence is perfect!!!

Plot
You entwine two parts of the plot here -- the romance between Marc and Ian and the developing mystery revealed by Marc's visions. This is a difficult set of moods to manage, yet you do so with great mastery. Just as we fall into a nice romantic mood, wham!, the vision hits us, or there is some disquieting reference to the prologue. The pacing between these two plot lines seems almost perfect to me.

Setting
Great, evocative descriptions of the light house. There's a few places where the prose seems to reach a bit, but that might be just my own personal preference for a more direct style showing. I'll comment on those below, but urge caution in changing things. You have a very distinctive voice and these descriptions are part of it.

Characters
These two characters are very totally believable. The only place that gave me slight pause was Ian's reaction to the vision, which I thought was a little more subdued that it might have been. However, we already know Ian has psychic abilities himself, and the prose hints that Ian may actually have seen what was in Marc's head. In any case, this is minor and may be fitting in terms of where you are headed.

Referencing
Oh, this was so great!!! I loved all the subtle references back to the prologue before the vision. Then the vision itself hooks us back to the prologue too. There is much foreshadowing as well, as Marc's grandmother's home is connected to the lighthouse and hence to the visions and the events of the prologue. I'm loving this!

Grammar
perfect except for a few commas missing and one or two typos, all noted below.

Line Edits


Your text:
"Damn," he whispered. "The must've been some dream."
My Comment: you meant "that," right?

Your text:
All that remained of the sun was a dark, comma red razor-thin line where the sky met the sea.
My Comment: beautiful -- but I think a comma is mising.

Your text:
he rounded a sharp bend in the Coast Road and was presented with a breathtaking glimpse of the lighthouse.
My Comment: "was presented" is passive voice

Your text:
He decreased his speed in order to take in the view.
My Comment: This is one of those places where I would have used fewer words -- "he slowed down" for example.

Your text:
The pale conical spear of the black-and-white-striped tower was dark,
My Comment: great phallic symbol -- I love the subtle references to "Vertigo" later on too.

Your text:
He engaged his strong hi-beams to cut through the shadows
My Comment: Another place where it looks like an extra word is present, plus my mind is thinking "as opposed to his weak hi-beams..." I also think like "where is the partial gospel church" when I drive by a sign for a "full gospel church." That's just me.

Your text:
Marc parked his Jeep beside Ian’s pickup within an enclosed garage structure
My Comment: that would be a carport, right? Again, my style is different from yours -- so think really hard before make a change to this kind of thing.

Your text:
The guy was most proficient in the art of ultra-casual dress.
My Comment: adept, right?...ok, I'll stop.

Your text:
The interior had been transformed into a space that radiated warmth and serenity.
My Comment: passive voice.

Your text:
A generous sofa and two oversized wingback armchairs were arranged around low tables with lamps that gave forth a soft
My Comment: passive voice

Your text:
All of the books were were arranged in a neat and ordered fashion,
My Comment: doubled word, passive voice.

Your text:
The entire estate was equipped with a state-of-the-art security system.
My Comment: passive voice...also more mystery. Why does Ian need such a fancy security system? Time will tell...great foreshadowing!

Your text:
I can’t be sure if what I saw was a memory or a presentiment.
My Comment: Personally, I always say why use a monosyllable when polysyllabic elucidation will suffice? "presentiment" seemed a bit strange in this casual conversation...

Your text:
He did not why he kept it to himself
My Comment: omitted word after "not?" - perhaps "know?"

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story!

Bill, the MathGuy

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