Erotica Harem

Item Reviewed: PRetty Boy Dead, Chapter Six
Author: Jon1260
Reviewer: Bill, AKA Mathguy

General Impressions
Jon,

This is another great chapter, with memorable and vivid characters. The writing is clean, the prose economical and hard-bitten, appropriate to the noir style of the story. I'm enjoying this more and more.

Plot
The plot thickens as we meet Carmine and his henchman and his live-in boi-toy. The background on Carmine promises to make him one of the most interesting characters in this novel. We continue to learn hints of the scandal that underlies the murder -- much like Chinatown, it is bound to reveal the rich and powerful in league with criminals to achieve rapacious goals. I can't wait to see where this is goin!

Setting
Carmine's expensive apartment and then the park at the end are fully realized. In the apartment, I can just see it covered with horrible, glitzy kitsch.

Characters
Carmine and his boi-toy and his henchman are new. All are interesting and so distinctive I'm not having any trouble keeping track of who is who -- remarkable given that you now have a lot of characters in play. It's a credit to the characterization that none of them are blurring together.

Referencing
Lots of great references to Atlanta -- I haven't been there in years, but I can picture the scenes fine from your descriptions.

Grammar
a few typos, otherwise perfect.

Line Edits


Your text:
a folded Wallstreet Journal tucked under his arm
My Comment: two words, Wall Street

Your text:
Usually, he would be sleeping since business usually often kept him from home until four, sometimes five in the morning.
My Comment: Since the first word is "usually" I'm guessing that the 2nd "usually" is a typo.

Your text:
The annoying called had stirred him as well, though his need for rising was more subservient than self will.
My Comment: "call" not "called." I think "was" is missing.

Your text:
It had taken him less than a week to memorize the morning routine, : colon freshly ground coffee, two bagels lightly toasted, served with a generous portion of garlic, cream-cheese, complete with a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice.
My Comment: As we both know, grammar is not my strong point, but I think a colon is more appropriate than a comma here.

Your text:
Besides, it’s better this way,” he girded.
My Comment: "girded" sounded strange to my ears -- isn't that what those dudes in the Bible were always doing with their loins? Never could figure out what it meant...

Your text:
Not to worry though, his murder was made to look like a hate crime, a gay bashing as it were.
My Comment: That phrasing seemed a bit out of character -- I think he might have said "like he got bashed" or something more blunt.

Your text:
Stewart nodded, shifting uneasily in his seat
My Comment: adverb alert -- how about "fidgeting?" or "squirming?"

Your text:
Perelli stood five-feet, ten-inches tall and weighed just over two hundred pounds.
My Comment: This paragraph gives a good profile of the man and is well-written...but I'd consider trying to find a way to reveal this in conversation rather than just telling us.

Your text:
Made his way up here and called 911.”
My Comment: a homeless guy had the quarter to call 911? I'd guess he would have badgered someone else to do it.

Your text:
They shared a chuckle and walked in silence until they had reached the clearing, not far from the thicket of bushes concealing the drainage ditch where the body lay before Parker spoke up.
My Comment: This sentence seemed a bit overly long...

Your text:
News reports claimed the pollen count would reach one thousand particles per square inch since the rains had moved out
My Comment: I guess that's a lot? I would have said "sky-rocket" or something less clinical...

Great chapter! I can tell that being in the workshop has improved your prose, just as it has mine. This is such a great place!

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story!

Bill, the MathGuy

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