Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. - 1

Dear SMG,

I am greatly distinguished by yor invitation to the annual reunion for the Dummies, although I think thair wuz a insult in that letter. I ain’t sure, but I’m gonna have my legal consultants (Bubba, Bubba, Bubba, and Jimbo, LLLCPA) take a look tu see if they kin notice anything that might be considered like a insult.

I kin come to thu reunioin, although I don’t thank I will fit in with that crowd. It is clear we on different intellect levels. I am sorry that Irmalene won’t be attending. No, she don’t have duh rite kind o’ clothes to war, not to mention she don’t have no shoes. She be busy takin ker o’ our 14 yard yungan. She jest hate’s tu leave ‘em cause she such a good momma. The oldest is 16 and jest passed the 6th grade. We so proud of her cause she gone higher than eny Whinnery in all history. Her name is Paulene. Then we got Joelene, Raylene and Saylene. Then comes thu twins, O’Ranjello and LeMonjello. They be eleven and then we have our boys, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Peter, Demas and Judas. And then our last baby girl who is just 8 months old, NosMoking.

Bubba ain’t gonna make it to the meetin either. You know that Bubba wus dropped outa tree when he wus 11 months old. Oh, he wus OK, although momma wus mad as a yellowjacket cause he fell on her churn crock and broke it. Had to churn butter in a gallon pickle jar after that. But, he ain’t been right since then, and when he wus little, don’t play very good with other chil’ern, so we don’t let him outa Red House much. Ever’body here knows ‘im and kinda overlook ‘im, but strangers sometimes don’t know. We don’t want anuther incident like wut happened at the International Cheese Makers Convention. They’s some o’ them people who still won’t eat cheese.

Now, yor order did arrive, but them dollar bills…hit’s hard to splain whut they wuz. Hit’s like they had battry acid dropped on ‘em. Jest parts left. One had part of George’s chin and collar and thur wuz a couple of number 1’s thar, but that bout all that wuz in the envelop. Mr. Williams down at thu bank, we use the Bank of Blountsville jest up the road, he said that he cudn’t eccept them bills. He said from what wuz left, they peered to be counterfit. He turnt ‘em over to the FBI, I thank that’s the False Banking Investigations deal or sumpin lack at. But, don’t worry about it, I’m sure we git this all cleared up fore next Christmas.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner.