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Dec 19, 2001 at 12:44am
Re: Smooshy People
Jim Whinnery, Head Chief Whiner

Dear Ms. Poisoned Apple,

Huh? I mean, I’m not sur I kin understand all that you done wrote. We don’t have no smooshy people here at The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. Bubba, he air totally unqualified to be smooshy couple. He ain’t even half of a smooshy couple. Take me and Irmalene. We got 14 youngans running around the house age from 8 months to 16 years old and so you can understand that we ain’t got no time for smooshing.

Now, I’m not sure I know all these people you talk about. Jack and Rose, you say they from Titanic. Is that in Mississippi or Alabama, I heard of that town, but I don’t thank I know really where it is. Then there’s Dawson Creek. We got Whitesand Creek and Jaybird Creek and one or two more, but I never been swimming or fishing on Dawson Creek. Who is Richard Gear and Julia Roberts? Do they go to your school. I know they don’t live here in Red House cause the only Roberts we got here is Robert Roberts and he don’t have no daughter named Julia.

Now, don’t you thank you a little hard on Ben and Gen? Sounds like they just like one anuther and you coming down kinda hard on ‘em. Maybe you kinda like Ben? Little jealous of Gen? I find that when somebody criticize somebody, they generally kinda like ‘em.

You do carry on don’t you? My, my, and you know a lot of people. I guess it’s more of your friends like Britney Spears, and Tommy Calogne. Now I have heard of Albercrumbie and Fitch cause I saw them perform one time at the Plaza Theatre right here in Red House. Course they wuz on the film, but they do sang right good.

And, we don’t have many runaway brides, but we do quite often have a groom what tries to sneak out before the wedding. The Papas wit duh shotguns always brang ‘em back. Irmalene’s Papa had to fetch me three times before the wedding til finally he jest give the shotgun to duh preacher till after the wedding.

You been fussing bout a lot of stuff that I don’t rightly understand. But I will say that this smooshing don’t seem to be too bad. But, what I don’t like is all this kissing in public and holding on to one anuther and a staring at each other and a feeding each other, eating off each other’s plate and sucking outa the same straw. Now that’s kinda disgusting. Me and Irmalene, we never do that stuff. I mean, we courted on the front porch with her momma in thu parlor looking out thu winder. We didn’t do that hand holding, kissy-kissy stuff.

This complaint is a little weak, if you know what I mean. I had to work hard to git up an answer. Why don’t you order some of The Whine & Cheese Company, Inc. Christmas Gift Packs and then you have something to complain about. They reasonable priced and they will help you with all yor gift giving needs. You kin buy some for Ben and Gen, and Richard and Julia and even for little Tommy Calogne. Remember, be sure to enclose your check or money order with your order.

Whinningly Yours,
Jim Whinnery, Head Whiner
Re: Smooshy People · 12-19-01 12:44am
by Writer of the Winds

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