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THE WHINE & CHEESE COMPANY, INC.
Jim Whinnery, Head-Chief Whiner
Dear Sissy Boy Beth,
Now, that a unique name for a gal. I guess yor papa wanted a boy, didn’t he? I best caution you that we do have our lady folks what reads these here letters, so keep ‘em clean. Sumthymes Irmalene, she’s my wife, reads these letters and I don’t want her ears to be offended when she read some them words.
Yor Paw sounds like a rite nice man, jest got a little off on the wrong way, looks like. He got much time tu serve, dooey?
Bout you sellin them hubcaps. Them hubcaps don’t do nothing but shine, if you wash ‘em, but ‘at cheese, it be good fer a long time. So yu done rite by sellin them thangs. Enyway, they jest sissify yor truck and hit look a heap better without them shinning thangs.
Do yu know thu name of this here company? It is The Whine and Cheese Company, Inc. It ain’t The RC & Cheese Company, Inc. Whut you got wuz one of two thangs. Sometimes, Bubba, he ain’t right, bless his heart (see "Invalid Item" for clearification on that term}, so sometimes he try to make duh customer happy and send stuff we don’t make. Like yor order. Maybe had some of Sam’s cola left from a party and he just throw it in free. Sometimes, when we run out o whine, he make up some in the bathtub and he put it in two-liter cola bottles. If a’ter you drank some of his stuff, if yor leg goes to twitching or jerking, go see yor family doctor real quick and be shor you por out all the rest o’ that bottle.
I don’t know if they still make RC any more. I don’t see none in the stor here enymore.
You raise the question about our cheese won’t serve 11 people. Well I got a suggestion for you. You kin farm out them yard youngans to the relatives so you have less mouths at yo house or yu can buy more Cheese. Why don’t yu jest order a case and we send that soon as we git yor check, munny ord’r or cash. We doan eccept stamps, script or eggs and barter. When we git your check, we will cash it. We be looking for yor order, so don’t come see you, just send that order in.
Jim Whinnery, Chief Whiner