The Universe is Indifferent

MAY 4 ENTRY: Write a story about a blogger who only gets cryptic comments from one mysterious person and no one else.

My shrink told me I should start blogging. Yes, I am consulting a shrink but I am not a nutcase. I am just going through a difficult phase.

I guess I had always been cynical. I never trusted anyone with my feelings, my true self. I guess living such a bottled up life was going to have consequences. My broody disposition started to dominate me. I couldn’t stop thinking about the things I had missed out on, the mistakes I had made and the relationships that could have been more. I found it difficult to sleep. Sometimes, I would toss and turn for hours while on other occasions, I would wake up in the middle of the night and my thoughts would come back to haunt me again. I stopped leaving my house, going deeper into my shell, the very shell I had created for myself. I started to find faults in me, faults that I now realize didn’t even exist. I doubted every move that I had made and was going to make. I started looking for validation from this cruel world. I hated myself and needed someone to convince me otherwise. I now realize that ain’t gonna happen!

My best friend convinced me to go to a shrink. He knew some of the stuff that I was going through. We talked a lot and I guess those conversations became the only bright spots in my mundane existence. When I did finally cave in and went for a consult, I found it difficult at first, talking to a stranger. However, Dr. Cooper helped me open up a lot and made me get in touch with myself. She suggested I start writing; it would be an outlet for my thoughts. After much rumination, I decided to take her up on this.

It was titles “THE STORIES HE WITHHELD”. I wrote poems and posted them whenever I felt I was in a dark place. They were reflections of my mindset, negative and depressed. Suicide and death were common themes too. One common denominator shared by almost all of them was hopelessness and slander of love. A few weeks later, I went online and saw that a person with the username ‘here4you’ had posted comments on all of my poems.

“Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us”;

'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”;

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.”

Every dark poem I came up with, ‘here4you’ had a counter, a comment that somehow hit me, but in a good way. I have made a list of them and read it sometimes. It helps. I have thought about sending him an email, getting to know him, or her for that matter. But I don’t think I want to, the mystery is good. I don’t want to spoil something good. It is just good to know that someone’s listening out there. I am not out of the woods just yet, but for the first time, I see a ray of light at the end of the tunnel.