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Item Reviewed: "The Ball" by Mr. Juanito
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️🌈
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.
I see that you have only recently joined Writing.Com, so I'd also like to welcome you to the site. This is a great place to post your work and to learn and grow as an author.
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What I liked best
You have a vivid imagination, and a colorful and detailed fictional world.
From some of the syntax, I infer that English may not be your first language. If so, it's even more impressive to compose a story in a second language. Joseph Conrad was one off thee greatest novelists who wrote in English, but brought a Polish sensibility to his works. I am getting a similar sense from your story, although I suspect it's not Polish!
Style and Voice
I think I'd like to focus on point of view for this review.
This story uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.
This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.
Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.
In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.
A novel and longer short stories can--and usually do--have more than one point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene.
You have several choices for the point-of-view character for the main portion of the story. Sirio seems most likely, but it could be Sharlissa or Aeron. Each pose challenges and give advantages, but I'd pick one.
There are two shorter scenes where Shiren seems the obvious choice for the POV character.
The idea is to first put the readers inside the head of the POV character by having that character sensing, acting, and interacting with physical environment. Then reveal the rest of action through the words and deeds of the various characters, but always as perceived by the POV character. I think if you try making this change, you'll have a piece that is more immersive and hence more real for the readers.
You clearly have a well-developed and detailed fictional world, with many details apparent in this story.
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.
Thank you for sharing!!! Do keep on writing and showcasing your amazing imagination!
I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.
Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!
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