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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/1518196
Review #1518196
Viewing a review of:
 Emerald Eyes  [E]
Never have I seen eyes such as these
by Michael
Review of Emerald Eyes  
Review by Thomas
Rated: E | (5.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Quick Opinion

*Star* This is a nice poem. I like the feel and the tone, but I do have some suggestions. *Smile*

What Works

*Star* I won't list them, but I like the series you create with the 2nd, 4th, 6th, and 8th lines. Repetition in a poem, when used intelligently, is very pleasing. You have used it very effectively here. Repetition doesn't need to be an exact repeat of a word or group of words. It can be the repeating of a similar theme or a systematic advancing of a theme. You have the latter here and I like it alot. I only wish that you would have continued it in the 3rd and 4th stanzas as well. *Smile*

*Star* You have a few ten dollar words here, but, for the most part, you have managed to paint your vivid images without challenging our vocabulary.

*Star* I like that you used color. I am usually not a fan of color in poetry, but with a title like Emerald Eyes, I think your decision is appropriate.

Suggestions

*Star* I would use commas instead of periods after the 1st and 3rd lines. Grammatically a comma would make more sense, but besides that, I think the subtle pausing difference between a comman and a period allows this to flow better. *Smile*

*Star* Jeweled Emerald eyes,

I am not sure why you have the word emerald capitalized. If you are doing it because of the title of this piece, then you probably should capitalize eyes as well, but, to me, it just distracts.

*Star* Sweet ivy they cling.

I can't figure out what you are trying to say here.

*Star* My door is open the path is made.

You need some sort of punctuation between open and the. A comma wouldn't be strong enough since these are both independent clauses that are not connected. A semi-colon or a hyphen would work. Even a period, but it would be the only place you have a period in the poem, so I would go with a lesser punctuation.

*Star* A {c}Summery summary dawning of a new day.

Besides being misspelled, I can't see why you would want summary capitalized.

Overall

*Star* I am giving you a four point five. I like the poem and the images it engenders, but I think you need to polish it up a bit for it to really shine. *Smile*
   *Question* Reply status unknown: Reply tracking for reviews began in April 2006. This review was created before tracking began.
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