The circle of life (cramp entry) [E] The journey of life, from man to plant. |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Please feel free to use or discard any of my suggestions Dear J.B : There were parts of this poem that I found to be well written and smooth and understandable. There were also other parts that I had trouble with and made some suggestions for: "Above my soul trees arms entwine, ..." - - I don't think that you need that 's' on the end of "trees". Try the line without it. If you want to keep the 's', then at least use an apostrophe before the 's' to show possession of "arms". "...her voice sounds dreamy as she welcomes me as her face fills with delight, " - - -I'm sorry, but this line sounds all wrong. You used "as" one too many times in cramped quarters. There are several ways that you could fix this, here's one: 'her voice sounds dreamy, she welcomes me as her face fills with delight'. "Here I lay my old body down as my new friend waves goodbye, my lips part in thank you, but I am too weary to reply, question my mind does not the pillow beneath my head, ..." - - - - I'm sorry, but this part just does not make any sense at all. Especially the line: "question my mind does not the pillow beneath my head..." - - - what??? As many times as I read this line, I can't make heads or tails of it. After this stanza, everything else seemed smooth and I was able to get back into the story. What I perceived was that a lone traveler wanders out into the woods one night, perhaps looking for a place to die quietly. I can relate to that. As he thinks he is giving up his spirit, he realizes that he still exists, but not as a human. I think that it would be perfect if we could each live on as a tree, better than nothing, or floating in the void. Of course, then our enemies would be logging companies or those manufacturers that make chainsaws, or teenagers with matches. Either way, the ending of this poetic tale saved the day. I particularly liked the last stanza: "As the years roll on by I grow to stand tall, joining my brothers in the blossom of spring and the autumn fall, I reach on over with branches I now combine, guarding your passing as my brothers did mine." - - excellent! I wish every stanza in this poem had such pop. Suggestions: I would, if I were you, pay attention to the rhythm of each stanza. The rhythm can often be improved by making each pair of rhyming lines have the same amount of syllables. You know how to count syllables, right? You should do that for your rhyming lines. If they are unequal, then find a way to make them equal, but still be sharp and deliver the message. We all have to do this, and if you want your work to look sharp and be appreciated more, you should just spend a little more time cleaning it up and making it tight. Start with the syllabic count. Thank you for sharing this imaginative poetic tale of a man who cheats death by becoming a tree. We should all be so lucky.
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