Chapter: One
Plot: The hero rides in on a flying carpet to find a city full of cantankerous old farts (can’t help but wonder what the kids look like when they’re back to normal)

Style / Voice: PoV is Johnathan’s

Referencing: N/A

Setting: The only real bit of setting we saw was the golden gate. You should strive to expand that, showing the surrounding countryside as well as describing the sights and sounds of the city.
Characters: Johnathan and ornery Orwin

Grammar: See line by line

My Opinion: I warn you that I was critical in this review. I am doing so to be of real help to you, rather than giving you sugar coated platitudes. You have put a lot of work into this, and I can tell it. The world that you see when you imagine your story is fantastic, and we want to see it. We want to be a part of it. We want to feel the wind through his blue hair. We want to feel the thorns on the carved roses adorning the gate. You first chapter is the most important one, and deserves more attention to detail than any other. Look at my suggestions, and if you would like to make some changes and get my opinion later on, just let me know.

Line By Line:
"Hah! Finally I made my journey to the great Royal Castle of Rimnos!" Jonathon, a Carmen Rider, sighed with relief and looked around to see if there was something to be compared to a castle because he had no idea of the place.
Your first line is in the past tense. If he is still trying to locate the castle, it should be present tense, like, “I am finally heading to see the Royal Castle…”

"I wonder where the castle is now." He frowned and began wondering around wandering looking for something familiar. "This is a really colossal territory. I have not even a single idea of where to go[. I]t is even bigger than I had ever imagined! But complaining won't work, will it? I have to go and search for the castle myself."

Jonathon was a Carmen rider, one of the Arther's warriors, and belonged to an ancient generation of powerful and brave warriors who had been known throughout the Topozium. Carmen Riders had great importance in the early years of Topozium.
You say the Topozium, and Topozium here. If you mean to include “the”, you should capitalize it and include it every time. Otherwise, I would lose it

They had fought great battles and protected many areas of Topozium from evil, both outside Topozium and that which rose inside Topozium, which are now divided into sectors. One of the great Carmen riders, Arther was especially known to be "true light driving evil out." His warriors and offspring are known to be "Arther's warriors". Jonathan was the only warrior at that time.
All of this is important, and has a place in your opening chapter, but the way you have presented it here feels like you are dumping this information on us so that you can continue on with the story. A more effective means to disseminate this information might be to have a brief flashback. If he is the last of these heroes, perhaps he could reminisce upon his fallen friends.
In the place of what you have here, I would recommend setting the scene a little bit. Your hero (I am guessing, here) is riding what could potentially be a powerful and majestic creature that provides airborne transportation. Or, it could be a haggard old mule-type creature. Or a giant slug. A huge mosquito? This is the beginning of your novel, and it needs to grab us immediately and draw us into your world so deeply that we are powerless to escape. If he is on this journey, then we need to know why, and where he is coming from. We must be intrigued. We must be hooked

Jonathon had shiny, blue hair with a band which was camouflaged in his hair. He had a firm, heroic look on his face. Moreover, it was clear from his face that he wasn't one to [back down]. He had a good and fit body with strong muscles and was smart. He wore a blue tight jacket-shirt with two belts, one around his waist and one from one shoulder to the arm of the other.
Rather than telling me he had a fit, muscular body, show me the way his tight jacket defined the ripple of the muscles beneath. Smart is something a little more intangible, and needs to be demonstrated, although you might show us a gleam behind those cerulean blue eyes.

The waist belt was golden and had a big white buckle with small pockets in it to hold small bottles or pieces of paper in it and, on the side, had a larger pocket, big enough to have a knife in it.
Did you mean to say that the buckle has pockets? Just seems odd. Also, a sheath would be more common and safer for knives that do not fold

His shirt was shorter in the front than in the back. A broad, yellow border was sewn around the hem and around the collar, making the tunic stand out as if to say, "The warrior wearing this stands out among other warriors." (if the tunic has something to say, let it say it itself) red cape draped around his shoulders and flowed down to the top of his long, black boots. The feet of the boots were a with deep red soles.

He wore a simple white trouser[s] and there was a scabbard which held his long and sharp sword on his back. A sword must be assumed to be sharp. Otherwise it is completely useless. His sleeves were pulled up above his elbow having a nice andmaking a strong impression.

He was travelling from a far sector to sector 12, and covered a long journey to the Royal City of Rimnos to help the queen who had been cursed by the malicious and vicious wicked witch known as Serina. He knew very little but was keen to rescue her because the news had spread quickly in all the sectors of the queen being cursed and everyone probably would know what [was] happening.
Okay, I see here the info that I was looking for. It should probably be moved up in the queue a bit so that we aren’t left wondering. Also, you might want to consider moving away from the numbered sectors. They might work well in a futuristic sci-fi novel, but in the pre-technological revolution era most places derive their names from physical landmarks or the people that inhabit the area. You have the opportunity to build this world from scratch, so don’t sell yourself short. Picture the inhabitants of your world (at least some of them have blue hair). Are they as varied as those in the real world? Think of the variety of people that inhabit Europe… the languages, the cultures, the customs and religions. How much variance, or conformity, do your peoples have?

Jonathon came to the entrance of Rimnos and he, a gate was made of [pure] gold, with which were matched coloured golden flowers []carved [into] it[,] giving it the illusion of deptha deep and good effect. The gate was huge, about ten feet[,] tall and was beautifully decorated. The gate had grills, each feet away and each marked with the letter "R" on them, the starting letterinitial of house Rimnos.

The gate had a warrior on it on the right side and a bear on the other. This marked the importance and the history of how those animals became friendly with people of Rimnos and a sign of their long term friendship. The warrior indicated the people of Rimnos while the animal, wild and fierce creature represented friendship with each other.
Make those two paragraphs into a single description of the gate. Make it flow from one point to the next and expand on the symbolism represented there. Let us know how humanity and the bears interacted in the past. Were they allies in a war sometime in the past? Against whom? Do the bears, or any other species in your world, speak? Write? Employ telepathic communication? Squirt out pheromone saturated phlegm from a duct located underneath their tongue? Well, it’s possible

The gate was said to have been decorated and managed by the Queen herself and no one dared to touch the gate and compare any beauty with it.
I can imagine hold it would be held up as a standard of beauty. Does the majesty of the castle compare in any way? Just curious. Oh, how does gate open, if they won’t touch it?
Note: I edited your gate into pure gold, but gold is too soft for that to be reasonable or prudent. I think that you got the point, though. I think that you were trying to say that the Queen sanctioned the gate’s construction, and even designed it herself. The most skilled craftsmen in the kingdom petitioned for the honor of building it, and it took ….

Appreciating the decor, he entered the city and was looking forward to meeting people of Rimnos and seeing the situation inside. He had an idea that there would be sorrow and despondency but the conditions were a lot worse than he imagined.
This sentence is passive, as it begins with a subordinate clause. Using active verbs makes for stronger sentences. Jonathan felt trepidation as he entered the city. He expected to see sorrow and despondency… So why are they so despondent? The queen was cursed, right? How does that contribute to the depression of the populace?

He was stunned by the gloomy environment and his eyes and mouth were wide open. He had never seen such despair and he could feel their pain in his body. Everything was [quiet], there was no noise, everyone had dark and deep wrinkles.
Break the last sentence into three small ones

The children were also silent[. E]veryone seemed to have lost their energy. All of them were busy [doing] something[. S]ome ladies sew[ed] with their faces down and low, men s[at] in their shop waiting for someone to buy their products and children [loungued] on the stairs of the small cottages, and seemed to have been lost in their own thoughts.

As Jonathon looked around, he saw that the cottages were not very big, but they were well-built and looked in good order. The shops and market area [were] on the right side while all the residential area and cottages were on the left side and between it was a path to walk and it lead to many ways.
The condition of the homes is in contrast to the general malaise of the townsfolk. This must be a recent occurrence. Go into the underlying cause of this pervasive despair

His eyes scanned the town and fixed on an old man lying on the ground a few feet away. He looked old, exhausted and in agony. His nose was red and seemed to have severe disease.
Show me…

His hands and legs seemed very weak, his nerves could be felt and were clearly visible, degeneration in nerves and he was coughing again and again, which made people to look at him with disgust for some reason, unknown to Jonathon. He looked sick and as if he was just waiting for death to come to him, raping his soul and take it away violently.
Ach! What exactly does a nerve look like? Be careful to maintain one point of view. You cannot say how he felt, you show his facial expressions and the visible manifestations of his disease.

Jonathon couldn't bear to [watch this] any more[,] and without wasting another second went to the man to see if he could do anything for him. As he went closer, the old man started yelling at him, much to Jonathon’s surprise. The old man's condition looked much worse than he saw from a distance away.

"Oi Lad!" The man started panting heavily after shouting at Jonathon from a distance.
Beware repetition

"You know, you really shouldn't speak at a high pitch. It will hurt your throat. Try to speak slowly," Jonathon said politely.

"Who are you, anyway, eh? I have no more life to live so why I should be worried about my throat," the man spoke low this time but still his voice could have been more low,

"You are just here to laugh at me, aren't you? Laugh out loud just like all the others! Call me a buffoon, I look like one, don't I? They laughed but they are not very happy now, are they? Why don't ya' all laugh now?" He frowned and pointed at the gloomy people. The old man seemed to be more aggressive than any of the men Jonathon had known of his agecity’s other inhabitants.

"Why. . . Why would I laugh at you and call you a buffoon?" Jonathon was very perplexed because he had not a single idea of why the old man was talking this way[.]

"I just wanted to see if I could help you, that's it[.]" Jonathon completed his sentence hesitantly and was prepared for the sarcastic comment from the old man once again.

“You know what? YOU CAN'T HELP ME!” As expected, the old man answered in a bad way.

"Well, I did expect that," Jonathon whispered to himself.

"Did you say something?"

"No . . . not a single word Sir! By the way, why can't I help you?" Jonathon tried to change the subject.

It seemed as if Jonathon was increasing his irritation and the old man replied audaciously,

"You cannot help me because I have been cursed by the wicked Witch, Serina," the old man spat on the ground and continued,

"You know what? I went to Serina to defeat her and take torpedes back to the Queen in order to heal her but my dreams were all a flight of fancy; and a figment of my imagination," his eyes turned away from Jonathon's as if he was ashamed.

"You. . . you . . . what? You went far as to Serina to get the torpedes right? I am also here to help her!" Jonathon became excited and wanted to listen to the tale of the old man.

"Wait. . . where did that 'help' go?" The old man seemed pretty convinced that he needed some treatment.

"Oh, I am really sorry. I forgot about that. Let me see," Jonathon took out two bottles are tried to read a little paper attached on it.

One bottle was red in colour and had dust flying in it and liquid on the surface. The other had blue dust in it and was glitterati. He kept the red bottle in his hand and put the blue one back in his pocket.

"If it's magic on you then this bottle will do the trick. Mind if you open your mouth?" Jonathon opened the bottle and placed it near his mouth and waited for him to open it.

The old man opened his mouth, much to Jonathon's surprise but he himself wanted to get back in his real form, and he pour some dust with two drops of the red liquid in his mouth.

"What is this? It's is burning in my body! Argh!" The old man was changed into a young lad just like Jonathon, except that he looked a year or two older than Jonathon.

Jonathon looked surprised and noticed the change but the man had not noticed yet,

"See? Told you it was no use," he frowned and then looked alerted as well,

"What? My . . .my voice! It's not like that! Has something happened?" He looked to Jonathon and then to his hands and surely, he had transformed back into his real age.

"Oh my! Thank you, thank you so much! I can't really believe this happened. I was so hopeless and . . . Thank you," For the first time, he smiled at Jonathon and he smiled back.

"So what happened on the journey?" Jonathon came back to the subject.

"Oh yes! That one! My name is Orvin and I am a boy like you. I was also [thought I would be] brave and I tried to help the queen. I passed through all the obstacles in the way and the torpedes were just ahead of me, in front of my eyes that [but] I forgot about the witch and she casted a spell on me from behind. What a figment of my imagination that I was going to defeat her!" Orwin explained.

Jonathon felt sorry for him and asked,

"I am not from Sector 12, Rimnos. I came from Sector 2 so I have a very little knowledge and how she was cursed, what started this and caused this. I would be really thankful if you tell me about all this."

"What?! You do not know anything about this [how she was cursed]?" Orwin was quite surprised.

"I am sorry but unfortunately not. I only know that the Queen is cursed by the Witch and that only the juice of torpedes can save her, neither I [don’t even] know where the castle is. This is the first time I [have been here,] so please," Jonathon requested.

"Good lord! I cannot believe it. Why should I waste my time on that?" Orwin was not very different from what his behaviour was in the old age.

"Wow. . . I helped him and he says his time is wasted if he tells me something!" Jonathon mumbled to himself, "He isn't a bit different from what he was before. I thought behaviour changed with the age."

"Did you say something?" Orwin asked suspiciously.

"[did] I say something? [No, ]I said nothing at all to you," Jonathon became irritated by his behaviour.

"Well… if I see then I do owe you… because [since] you saved my life… so I think. With an exasperated look he said, “I will tell you but please, DO NOT interrupt me!" Orwin concluded.

"Sure[,] and many thanks!" Jonathon was finally happy with the good conclusion of him telling Jonathon the story.
At this point you should go ahead and tell the story
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It is a given that all of these alterations are based on my own personal opinion, and, as such, should be taken with a grain of salt and used or discarded at your own pleasure. I offer my sophomoric efforts with the best of intentions, and if you are able to glean a point or two that may enhance the strength of your writing, then my work has been justified. Have a great day, and keep up the good work. -Karl

This review is being submitted to "The Mad Dash Contest" 

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .