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Review #3891860
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Rated: | (3.0)
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Greetings! The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your item.

PLOT AND FORMAT: At a glance, I know right away if it is appealing on the page and is easy to read and understand. If it is in one huge paragraph, it becomes too difficult to read. Make use of white space between paragraphs and character dialogue.
The format of your story/chapter was quite easy to understand and interesting. It was easily understandable and it was clear throughout the story. Nice!

SETTING: This is important. A nice balance of imagery and well written word makes me feel as if I am there, but overdone it ends up being repetitive and redundant.
The setting here is a camping site where the main character, Robin who got a snake near her and she was afraid and then a boy comes and saves her, the boy named Kurt and not much is told about him.

LENGTH: If the piece is overly long, then I am more reluctant to read it, but if it's intriguing, I still might.
The length of your chapter was small and it was interesting too.

GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION: While punctuation errors can make a piece impossible to read, often I can pass over them, depending on what it is, and noting where and what so the writer can go back and revise them. It is often something easily fixed. The red phrases are from your story whereas the green text is my personal opinion.

==> All Robin could think of her first day at camp was that boy
you missed the article. "All Robin could think of her first day at the camp was that boy"

==>All Robin could think of her first day at camp was that boy. The one who rescued her from the path of a poisonous snake. She stood frozen in her tracks afraid to move a muscle.
This is an event happened in past so how about changing the sentence structure to make the sentence seem more accurate. It looks more mature in writing when you use combined sentences instead of several small sentences.

All Robin could think of her first day at the camp was that boy; the one who rescued her from the path of a poisonous snake when she stood frozen in her tracks afraid to move a muscle.

DIALOGUE: I love dialogue. I take note if it has any or if it has the character's thoughts.

There were dialogues throughout the story and I enjoyed them. The dialogues did not distract the reader from the story and it enhanced the work. However there were spaces left twice at some places in the dialogues. You might want to fix that. The dialogues were done correctly the dialogues of character's were not mixed up with another character's dialogue. Neither there were a lot of dialogue tags.
These are what I mean: Tom said, she said, they said, etc. It is not necessary to label each dialogue. We can tell what is happening by the character's actions and circumstance.

POINT OF VIEW: I must know who's point of view we are in.
The transition between character's points of view is clear and there was no confusion in the point of views. The setting changed from the girls outhouse to the campsite and the transition was not rough?

FLOW: The story must not only be told in a logical order, but must have a feel to it. That means I'm not stopping and starting abruptly, or stumbling over the words or distanced for some other reason.
The flow of your chapter was good with only one event in series uptil now and I did not get interrupted during the story.

MY FAVOURITE PART/THING ABOUT YOUR STORY: The thing I liked about your story was the interesting title. However one can only determine that the title is correct or not after we get to know of the storyline of the story. Also I had another suggestion that since this is a chapter, go ahead and give descriptions of things, the camp-site outhouse, Robin, Kurt and the teacher.Also the character of Kurt is not really explained much here. I would have looked forward to reading more, who was he? Why did the girls liked him?

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING YOUR WORK!

Write On! *Writing*
Have a nice day/night!

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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 08/25/2013 @ 8:54pm EDT
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