Hi 1prangelwings!

I found your chapter on the Noticing Newbies page and it looked interesting so I thought I'd take a look, and here are my thoughts.

Characters:

Robin, Kurt, Karen and Mrs. Colin. And we can't forget the snake and the mouse

Plot:

Robin goes to the bathroom in an outhouse in the woods while camping and encounters a snake there, but Kurt comes to the rescue.

Setting:

In the woods.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is third person, and the tone is suspenseful. The exposition is done well. The diction is standard.

Dialogue:

The dialogue was believable.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning was good, moving into the story right away. The ending didn't leave me satisfied, I must admit, as it wasn't a cliffhanger or anything close.

Errors:

None found.

Suggestions:

I'd alter the ending so that it's a real cliffhanger, leaving us wanting more and looking forward to the second chapter. Many sentences begin with "He" or "She" or other simple pronouns or nouns, and I'd find another way to begin some of those sentences.

Summary:

There was a good basic story here, but it needs to be a little refined and polished, and the ending improved upon. I did like the attraction I sensed between Robin and Kurt, and I hope to see more between those two in the future. Good job.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing!