Hi T.Wrage !

I found your story on the Noticing Newbies page and it looked interesting so I thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.

Characters:

The young woman, whose name we don't know.

Plot:

The young woman is at home and wants to get out of bed to have coffee, she no longer eats breakfast-that is, if she eats at all, but she can't get out of bed because she's too weak, and she eventually dies in bed

Setting:

In the young woman's home.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is third person, the tone is calm, and the diction is excellent.

Dialogue:

There was no dialogue.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning was a little slow for me, but it picked up the pace after a bit. The ending was quite sad, and insensitive of that officer to make that comment, but it made for a good finish

Errors:

Today though something was different she felt strange and --> Today, though, something was different; she felt strange and

noticed an odor it was --> noticed an odor; it was

Suggestions:

Ease back on the alliteration, such as "gleamed and glistened", "could come", "lush life", because it makes it sound like poetry instead of prose. Name the characters. Speed up the beginning with some action and then narration/exposition. I'd also like to see some dialogue, and you might have to add another character in the mix with the young woman for there to be dialogue between them.

Summary:

This is quite a tragic story that needs to be told in greater detail, so I think the piece would have to be a little longer, and with more elements to it than what was found here. It was a great start however, and I enjoyed reading it. Nice work.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing!